ruthless; jj m.

20

It had been a few days since Sarah and John B died. I was sitting on my couch, having a marathon of all of Sarah's favorite movies. Her sweater was keeping me warm and my blanket comforted me as I sat in a ball.

Everything felt different. It was almost as if the world has stopped spinning and the sun was fading out, making everything colder. Colors weren't as vibrant anymore. They were dim, almost as if they were infected with hints of gray. 

I hadn't cried since that night. I hadn't spoken to anyone, not even through a text. My movements were minimal. I could barely even stand up in the shower. 

I was doing a lot of that. Showering. I just couldn't seem to feel fully clean. I would scrub my skin so hard in an effort to get any remnants of Rafe off of me. I always felt dirty. 

My phone was constantly vibrating. Texts and calls from friends and family filled my notifications list. Kie, Pope, and JJ were constantly texting me, trying to check in on me. I never answered them. I just wanted to be left alone.

While watching Flipped, one of Sarah's favorite movies, I heard my back door open. I didn't care who it was, just as long as they didn't bother me. 

Kie soon came into my living room, with two spoons and a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream, my favorite. She sat down next to me, removing the lid from the carton and handing me a spoon which I took. 

We began to eat the ice cream in silence. A few minutes later, I heard sniffles coming from Kie. I looked over at her, and she was sobbing into the ice cream. I didn't have the energy to comfort her in the way I normally would, so I just placed my hand on her back.

"How are you holding it together?" She asked me as she sobbed. I sat up and sat cross-legged on my couch. "I'm not," I admitted. Kie looked up at me in shock, not expecting me to speak. "Your aunt said you haven't been speaking." She said. 

I nodded my head. "I haven't spoken until now," I said as I cleared my throat. She looked down at her hands. She was holding one of the friendship bracelets Sarah had made for her a while back. I pulled up the sleeve on my sweater to show Kie I was wearing it too. 

"I miss them so much," Kie said as she broke down and fell into my arms. I held her as a couple of tears fell from my eyes. "Me too." I croaked out. 

She continued to weep into my chest and I held her as I watched the ice cream in the container melt to a liquid state.

∴∴∴∴∴

A couple of hours had passed, and Kie had fallen asleep in my arms. It seemed like she wasn't getting much sleep at home, and I didn't mind holding her. Maybe isolating myself wasn't the best idea.

A random movie was playing now, and I sat there and watched it. Suddenly, my phone started vibrating. I grabbed it and saw JJ's name show up on my screen. I declined the call, not wanting to wake up Kie.

I opened messages and saw the several texts he had sent me. 

10 Messages from: JJ
Hey, how you holding up?
You doing okay?
I miss you.
Is everything okay?
Scar, please pick up the phone.
Please answer me, Scar.
All right, I'll call tomorrow.
Scar, are you okay?
Babe, please answer the phone.
I'm worried about you.

I felt terrible when I read these. He was worried about me and probably needed me, and I ignored him. 

New Message from: JJ
Scarlett, you're scaring me.
I'm coming over.

Scarlett:
I'm okay. Kie is here.

JJ:
Oh, okay.
I'm glad you're okay.
Can I come over tomorrow?

Scarlett:
No.

JJ:
I can't come over?

Scarlett:
No, can you come now?
I need you.

JJ:
Gonna pack a bag,
I'll be there soon.

I put my phone back down on the table, but my movement woke up Kie. "Shit, I'm sorry." Kie said. I shook my head. "It's okay." I said. She grabbed her phone and looked at the time, then looked outside my windows, seeing the sun had set.

"Shit, I gotta get home." She said as she grabbed her bag. I stood up to walk her out. "You gonna be okay here on your own?" She asked me. I nodded. "JJ's coming over now." I said and she smiled. "Alright. Please, text me tomorrow. Okay?" She begged.

I held out my pinky finger to pinky promise her. She laughed lightly, knowing that Sarah would always make us do them. Kie latched her pinky with mine and then hugged me tightly and I returned it.

She smiled softly before walking out of the door and going over to her car. I closed the back door and decided to take a quick shower while I waited for JJ. 

I washed my hair and didn't scrub my body as aggressively as I had before. When I got out of the shower and brushed my teeth, I wrapped a towel around my body before walking out into my room.

JJ was sitting there on my bed. His eyes were a little red. I couldn't tell if he was high, or if he had been crying. Probably both. He looked up at me and smiled. He reached into his bag and grabbed a hoodie, handing it to me. 

"Here. Will you wear it?" He asked. I nodded as I took the sweater and walked over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and some undergarments. I quickly put everything on while JJ faced away from me and looked down at his feet. 

I walked over to him and ran my hand through his hair. He looked up at me and I placed my hands on the side of his face, lightly caressing his cheek and pushing strands of his hair out of his face. 

"I'm sorry," I said to him. He gave me a confused look. "For what?" He asked. "I was avoiding you." I admitted and he nodded. "It's okay." He said but I shook my head. "It's not okay." I said. "I shouldn't have done that to you. I'm sorry." I apologized. 

He pulled me onto his lap and I was now straddling him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm just glad I'm here now." He said. I lightly smiled. "Me too. I needed you." I admitted. 

He used his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear, then pulled me in for a kiss, then placed his forehead against mine. "I needed you too." He said with a soft smile. I stood up and unmade my bed, getting under the sheets.

"Can you hold me?" I asked him. He nodded as he got into the bed with me. He was lying on his back and I was on my side with my head on his chest and my hand on his stomach. His left hand was on top of mine and his right arm was wrapped around me.

"Thank you," I said to him. "For what?" He asked me. "For not giving up on me," I said. He shook his head before speaking. "I'd never give up on you." He admitted. 

With my head resting on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and breathing, it was like a lullaby, and for the first time in days, I slept like a baby.