Fragmented

Mourning

The entire viewing was beautiful. Small, minuscule glitters in the cathedral's marble floors shone brightly due to the moonlight's shimmer penetrating through the glass windows. A plethora of different-colored carnations were used to decorate the empty shell of the cathedral during this time---some in vases and bundles, others in the tight grasp of weeping attendees. 

"So, how'd you know her?" A person from the back asked another guest.

"She's an old friend," the person briefly replied, nodding whilst taking a sip of water from a foam cup.

The distant chatters of loved ones, friends, and even strangers rung throughout the cathedral. Most conversations seemed to be about the same, redundant topic. Were you guys close? What's your favorite memory of her? She's in a better place now. 

I guess when a person passes that's really all people can converse about. One is just diminished to ephemeral memories and fluttering feelings that only the heart remembers. I wonder if she would have interjected in the many stories being told about her at this very moment if she could.

"How about you?" A faint voice to my right spoke. "Did you know her?"

Being completely honest, no words could leave my lips. I actually did not know what to say. Did I really know her? Am I allowed to say I did?

"Ah yeah, we interacted a few times with each other," I ultimately admitted to the person who was now in front of me. They gave me a short-lived smile, probably being scared off by the hesitancy of my answer.

Okay, being completely honest for real this time, I actually don't remember her in great detail. I know we've met a couple times throughout the past few years of running into each other at various places, but for some unbeknownst reason, my memory of her is foggy.

As the viewing carried on, more and more people left after saying their final goodbyes in front of the altar. Her white and beautifully intricate casket laid in the front of the marble altar and gold-accented cross---I also wonder if she was actually religious. 

The faint sound of footsteps interrupted my thoughts as another person slowly approached me, "Are you about to say your final goodbye?"

I quickly moved my gaze to the direction in which the voice came from. Another stranger, I thought to myself. Perhaps one of her family members? Their eyes were red and puffy, indicating that they've been crying for a long while. As for their demeanor, they subtlety eyed me up and down and discreetly squinted. The person's smile was warm and comforting, but their eyes said, Where the fuck do I know you from? Do I even know you?

"I'm debating if I should even go up to her. I'm not really good with seeing..." my voice trailed and became softer. I stopped before saying the words 'dead bodies' as I did not want to offend them. I quickly glanced up at the person and down, trying to see if they caught my drift.

Their lips slowly formed and 'o' shape, but they nodded at me in understanding, "Thank you for coming, she would've understood."

After the person left, I sighed a breath of relief from finally escaping that awkward situation. The truth is that I did not want to face her. I don't think I ever could. Then again, would she even want me to say goodbye to her? I didn't know what to do, but before I could rationalize any further, I found myself subconsciously walking to the front. Each step that I took felt heavier the more I walked, but I found myself drawn to the front---drawn to her. 

I took a moment to look around me before stopping right in front of her. There was barely anyone in the cathedral left besides a handful of other guests and her family members sprawled in different pews. Some were kneeling and praying into their intertwined hands, while others silently wiped the salty tears from their faces. I glanced at the purple carnations that were bundled at the bottom of her casket and let out a heavy sigh. This was it. I looked up from the ground.

She looked completely different from my memory of her, maybe even younger? I don't remember her like this, and in fact, I don't remember her having a soft, child-like smile---one that is so easy to miss, but she looks happy, happy smiling as if she was still here. As I continued to study her features I felt something wet on my face. Am I crying? I brought my hand to my cheek and pursed my lips. Fuck, I am. Why am I crying?

"I think I remember you now," I softly said under my breath. It all came rushing back to me, a familiar feeling, similar to having ice cold water dumped on you out of nowhere. I stood frozen in a mixture of shock and sadness, crying silently to myself as tears of regret trickled down my face.

"I'm so sorry I forgot," I whispered to her. "I put you through hell and back, I'm so sorry."

Clutching my tight chest, I braced myself for what I was about to say next.

"I-I can't take you back. I'm different now, I can't be you anymore. I'm sorry," the words slipped out of my lips like butter. "Things have changed, so have I." 

I grabbed a purple carnation from the bundle of flowers and gently placed it onto her chest. After, I steadily turned around and took a deep breath, "So...please rest. I'm saying goodbye to you now, but I'll do my best to remember you."

And with that, I slowly began to walk forward. Leaving behind not only her but my past---my past habits, thoughts, feelings, my past everything.

"And as for you, did you know her well?" Someone asked me before I stepped out of the nearly empty cathedral.

"Yes, yes I did. Very well actually," I tearfully smiled.

Then I left.