Omelia Forever

Chapter 2

Amelia's POV
"Crap" I said when my pager went off. "If it is really urgent then they will page me again" I am in the bathroom, with the doors locked. Now that Derek left there is no one here who knows what I did. And I want it to stay that way. But I need to release the pain I feel inside. I feel the scalpel touch my inner thigh. Then push down very gently and drag it across my skin. I can feel the blood drip all of the way down my leg. I do the same on the other side. This is the biggest relief I have ever had. But it still isn't enough. I take the razor blade I have and cut open my old scars that trace the lines on my hands. "Shit, I didn't mean to cut that deep." But there was no relief because they were old scars. So the blade reaches my perfect uncut wrists and makes a decision. The blade slashes my skin, once, twice, and a third time. These cut gave me release but not enough. I run my hands and wrists under scalding water for 15 seconds then 15 seconds under cold water. It stops the bleeding. My pager goes off again. It reads 9-1-1. That is my signal to go. I have to put a strip of gauze over my cut on my thigh, because it is still bleeding. I pull my sleeves down in the mirror, fix my makeup, and say to myself "You are worth it, You got this". As I am running up the stairs I feel the strips of gauze move out of place. I don't think it will be that big of a deal. As I get to the OR. I see Karev already In the OR prepping the kid. I am scrubbing in and Hunt says, "You are late. Everyone here is losing their faith in you because you are never where you are supposed to be when you need to be there. I know you are trying to fill your brother's shoes but please try just a little harder" I answer "I will try. " I see him glance over at my hands and stares for a second and then he goes back to scrubbing in. I quickly finish and step away. I am about to walk into the ORA when he says "Amelia wait" I turn around give him a look that asks what. And he is startled and says, "nevermind". I walk into the OR knowing that he know exactly what he just saw. I just hope he doesn't say anything while we are operating. I really don't need other people to know. Maybe he didn't see it maybe he was just seeing how much longer I need to scrub. I whisper to myself, "Yep! That's it's". And I hope to god it is.