I Wanna Be Yours

"Chapter 17"

Meredith yawns, sighing loudly as she signs off one last request for blood tests.

As soon as she became a fellow she thought that her sleepless nights were over, but she was oh, so wrong. Her night on call has been long, very long, and her fitful sleep always interrupted by either her pager or a nightmare.

She's still reeling after the day before, with her breakdown in Derek's arms, and the pitying looks her mother had greeted her with in the morning haven't helped. She knows she won't feel centered for a few more days, but usually work helps her cope.

Since work goes together with Derek Shepherd now, nowhere is safe anymore.

Her phone rings, and she immediately picks it up, groaning when she sees her sister's name on the display.

"Maggie, hey," she greets, putting down her pen.

"Morning, Mer," she replies, her tone somber. "Are you in bed?"

"I've been on call, I don't even know what a bed looks like," she says, hoping a little sass can cover her tiredness.

"I would have called yesterday if I thought you were human. You usually aren't."

"I wasn't. But I got over it."

Maggie sighed. "How bad?"

"Mags..." Meredith breathes out. She hates this. She's the big sister, she's the one who's supposed to worry about Maggie, not the other way round.

"How bad?" Maggie prods, unrelenting.

"I'm okay, now."

"Was there tequila?"

Meredith rolls her eyes. "I was at work, of course not."

"Cowboy surgery?"

Crap. Maggie knows her too well. "My patient died before I could even think a surgical plan."

"Lots of tears, then?"

"Some. A moment."

"An hour of tears?!" Maggie exclaims, and Meredith wants to dig a hole. That girl is too smart for her own good.

"I wasn't alone. I promise you I wasn't."

"God, Mer, an hour? I just..."

"It's the only day I allow myself to grieve him, Maggie. I couldn't live with it if I didn't do at least that."

"I was there, Mer. I was devastated, I can't begin to imagine what you could have felt."

"I don't think it's possible to explain, Maggie," Meredith sighs, her heart clenching a little at the mere memory, a memory of downy hair and soft skin she immediately suppresses. "You can still be grieving too, you know? You can miss him. He was family."

"It's different, Mer. He wasn't mine."

"Still. I won't hold it against you if you cried yesterday."

"I did. But I was alone and it got to me."

"We'll get together next year," Meredith suggests, part of her knowing that it would be good to have Maggie around to share the pain. "You'll be more free by then, right?"