But I Can't Lose Her

the voice inside - 26

sings a different song, what is wrong with me? - moana

The air smells different here. Less littered, I suppose, and more windy. The grass is a different shade of green, the trees cluttered with color and multiple flowers routing on the sides of the road. The sky is brighter, but that just might be my mood. Or the fact that we left around six in the morning when it was still slightly dark.

I sit up straighter as we pass the house, my head bobbing down to look past Becca. The flowers on the front porch are new, but some hanging ones have already died. The grass looks like it hasn't been mowed in days, so I assume ours hasn't either. 

We take a left, going down the familiar road. Home. I almost feel tears of joy pushing at my eyelids, but I keep them back, looking up at the house, knowing that I'm staying here forever now.

But, instead of running in, I look over to Michael as mom parks and he's already looking back, smiling an excited grin. We both know where to go. 

"We'll be back," I call to her, jumping out of the car, some of my things falling behind me and Michael following after me as I run down the road. The running here even feels different, the familiar curves in the pavement as I smack my bare feet against the ground, my shoes left behind in the car.

I whip to the left, opening the gate before remembering how badly it burns and leaving it for Michael to deal with. I glide up the steps, almost missing a step and having to regain my balance while M catches up to me. 

"I'm going first," I state, already halfway opening the door. "We're back!" I sing out, earning a slap upside the head.

"Dumbass," he whispers as I rub the spot, kicking my leg out behind me, feeling nothing but air. "What if someone else was here?"

There's no time to think about that as I hear a screech upstairs and footsteps pounding the floors. I look up to the echoes of peoples voices and find Harper and Cole running quickly to the stairs, fighting over who is going to get here first. All siblings are the same, I swear.

Harper skips the bottom two steps, slides across some of the wooden floor and throws her arms around my shoulders, mine curling around her back. We end up rocking back and forth in her entryway, the door open behind us, our brothers laughing it up beside us.

Now this... this is home. I separate myself from Harper, and even though it's only been a few weeks since I've seen her, it feels like an eternity. I start to imagine us away at two different colleges, knowing the boys will probably be doing that this time next year.

"I was really scared you would stay there," she admits, drawing me out of my thoughts, and I laugh. As if.

"Home is better anyway," I reply. I haven't told her about how much I've missed home. I didn't want her to know that I've been in pain for the past few weeks. It wouldn't have been fair to make her worry so much.

"I'm better," she says and I chuckle, nodding. I slightly turn my head, finding him in the corner of my eye. He looks the same, but for some reason, the thought of him seeing me makes me nervous. Will he say something?

That last night, he told me I was interesting to him, and told me to live out my life. I don't even want to remember what else he said, because those two things are enough for me to be freaked out. Then the next day he left, giving me a salute.

A salute was my thing, and he copied it. He was treating me differently, not shaking my hair or messing with me, but something quiet, far away. Distant. Why would he do that?

"I hear more children," I hear from deeper in the house, my mind quickly shifting as I see Mr. Locklift come out from behind the folded staircase, smiling.