Two Hearts In One Home

Anger and bargaining

The bubble had burst. After the funeral and packing up Ethan's belongings Louis finally realized that his fiance was dead. He had been in shock until then, walking around in a state of numbness but now it caught up to him. He couldn't stop crying. He couldn't stop blaming himself. If he had been more persistent about using a seatbelt Ethan would probably be alive.

Then he got angry. Why wouldn't he use a seatbelt? That was just stupid! How could he do that to him? Something that simple would have saved his life but instead he died. How the hell could he just die and leave him? He knew that he wasn't rational but he couldn't help it. He used that anger to plan his future. He sold all of their furniture. He didn't want them. They had bought them together. He sold their apartment too. He couldn't live there. It was a constant reminder that Ethan wasn't there anymore. Finally, he got a job in London in a sports store. He managed to find a small apartment as well.

His anger helped him move. He bought new pieces of furniture with the money he got from their old apartment and he left their old life behind. But as soon as he had settled in all the air left his lungs, the anger that had fueled him disappeared and he was just sad again. He hardly managed to get out of bed in the mornings but he had a new job that he had to go to if he didn't want to get fired first thing so he got up and worked. He kept to himself, put on a facade. Helped customers find whatever sports items they needed. He smiled and he laughed but it sounded hollow.

As soon as the workday was over he returned to his new flat and crashed. He slept or cried. He hardly ate. Everything felt meaningless. A couple of months ago he was planning a wedding. He was gonna spend the rest of his life with someone but Ethan died and left him behind. They had been happy. He had nothing to be happy about nowadays. Depression was like a heavy blanket of snow on frozen grass, clouding every chance of sunlight finding its way to warm it. Grief was painful and unmerciful and ongoing. It had been five months since the accident and he felt stuck. Stuck in his head, unable to move forward. He might have changed city but he was miserable.

His mum was worried about him. She called daily but he couldn't find the strength to pick up the phone. He just wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't have that. He shouldn't feel surprised when his doorbell rang and his mother was standing outside.
"Oh honey, you're so thin." She said and hugged him tightly.

"Mum, what are you doing here?" Louis questioned.

"I'm your mother. You won't return my calls. I had to come check on you and I'm glad I did. I brought food." Jay answered.

Louis let her inside and she went straight to the kitchen and started to unpack groceries. She furrowed her eyebrows when she saw the empty fridge but she didn't comment on it. Louis just sat down at the kitchen table. She made him a cup of tea before she started to make dinner.
"I'm fine mum, you don't need to pamper me." Louis sighed.

"You're not fine. I know you're grieving and that you're hurting but you need to talk to someone about it." Jay said softly.

"Like a therapist?" Louis questioned.

"Yes." Jay answered.

"I don't need therapy mum." Louis snorted.

"I think you do. You need help moving on. There's nothing shameful in that. Please, I'm begging you. I can't see you like this." Jay pleaded.

"Well, I didn't exactly invite you over." Louis huffed.

Jay slammed the wooden spoon making the pasta sauce splatter all over the kitchen.
"Louis William Tomlinson. I'm your mother! I don't need an invitation to come over. I'm worried about you. You're fading away and you need help. I'm so sorry that Ethan died. I know how much you loved him but you're alive and you need to find a way to cope. Do you understand me?"

"I'm sorry mum." Louis mumbled and bowed his head in shame.

"It's okay, love. I'm sorry for my outburst. I just can't see you like this anymore. Give therapy a try at least?" Jay said sounding remorseful.

"Okay." Louis agreed.

She smiled and filled a plate with food and put it in front of him.
"Thank you. Eat now."

Louis's stomach made a sound. He was hungry and his mum's cooking was the best. He reached for the fork and started to eat. Jay cleaned the kitchen in the meantime. She continued to tidy up his apartment and he didn't have the strength to protest. He was a grown man. He could clean his own flat, but he hadn't exactly had the energy to do it so he was grateful but a little embarrassed.

Jay stayed for a couple of hours before she had to drive home to Doncaster again. She once again pleaded that he would contact a therapist and he promised that he would.

He waited two weeks before he made the call. If he thought that he would get an appointment right away he was wrong. He was put on a waiting list. He called his mum to tell her that he had at least reached out.

He was lucky. A month later they were able to squeeze him in, which he found out was very early. Most people had to wait for months and months. He had mixed feelings about it. The idea of sitting opposite a complete stranger and talk about Ethan made him uncomfortable. It was private. But he had promised his mum to give it a try so he did.

It wasn't as bad as he had anticipated. The therapist asked him some basic questions about why he was there and he told her about Ethan's death and how he had been trying to deal with it. They didn't get much further than that on their first session but he went back the next week. She told him about the different stages of grief and he could relate. He had gone through the first ones. Shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargain, and now he was stuck on the fourth one, depression. She told him that to be able to move on he had to accept what had happened, then process it before he could move on. He wasn't sure that he wanted to move on. A life without Ethan seemed impossible, but he would try. Ethan would want him to be happy.