Walls

Chapter 2: Little do you know...

People with anorexia are often perfectionists and overachievers. They’re the “good” daughters and sons who do what they’re told, excel in everything they do, and focus on pleasing others. But while they may appear to have it all together, inside they feel helpless, inadequate, and worthless. Through their harshly critical lens, if they’re not perfect, they’re a total failure.

I walk into my dressing room. I take my sparkly top hat off and hang it up on the hook. I rest my cane right next to it. I wonder where everything will go after tonight. Probably out of my control just like everything in my life. It feels like the only thing I can control is my body. And so I do. 

I remove the rest of my costume and pull on my black dress. I take out my make up and do a brown smokey eye over what i already had on and finish it off with some brown eyeliner. I retouch my red lips and look in the mirror. My eyes were the one thing I actually enjoyed about myself. I mess up my short hair and then return to the communal dressing room with everything I needed from my dressing room. I guess the rest of the stuff in there will be taken to God knows what museum God knows where.

When I walk in the room goes quiet yet again. I almost don't say anything, but something inside me jsut cracks.

"You know what guys? I've been gossiped about enough to know when I'm the center of conversation and I really don't appreciate this so how about you say to my face or we go get in the van and go to the damned bar so I can just drink and forget this happened?"

"Taylor it's not like that!" Cait shouts.

"Oh yeah then what is it like. Just talking about some suprise or something. Because you sure talk about it a lot since I don't know... the end of the london leg?"

Their faces were still as I glared at all of them. Some looked ashamed, but Amos just glared me dead in my eyes.

"Just save it and lets go." I say to them.

I need a drink at this point I can't take this anymore. They're supposed to be my friends and yet they make me feel like trash. 

We all get in the van. They all crowd to the front seats and I'm in the farthest corner of the bus. No one can see the silent tears streaming down my face or me clawing at my skin just to feel some pain other than the pain they've inflicted upon my mind. Little do they know my body is shaking in a panic attack because I'm going to be pictured next to skinny girls and by tomorrow my face will be plastered across every magazine, drink in hand saying I've lost my good girl act. But that's because no one bothered to look. Not Amos who used to make me laugh when the hate what killing me. Not Caitlin and Liz who were more like my sisters. And not Grant whom always looked out for me to make sure I was okay. Who used to check my wrists when he thought I wouldn't notice, to make sure I hadn't harmed myself. No, not one of the most important people in my life gave a damn about me now.

Part of me just wanted Ed to come home and hold me in his colorful arms as he had through so many of my meltdowns. But the other part of me wanted to send him away so he wouldn't have to deal with a hideous, disgusting girlfriend who had a mind to match her outsides.

We arrive at the bar and all go in. One by one everyone finds a seat. By the time they've all filed in there's not a single bar stool left for me. I find myself a small booth and take a seat. A waitress comes over and after finally getting her to understand me through the language barrier I order a whole round of shots for myself.

She comes back with my shots and a plate of multiple appetizers. I thank her and she walks away. The sight of the food makes me want to puke. I grab the salt and throw back shot after salf of tequila. Before I know it I'm wasted and I start to pick at the food. In my drunken state I eat everything.

As I begin to sober up I can feel the full feeling in my stomach. I get up and drunkenly run to the bathroom. I shove my fingers down my throat and throw it up. I keep doing this until I'm vomiting nothing but bile. I rinse my mouth and hands and then go back out. I walk to the bar and ask for some water and then return to my lonesome corner of the bar. 

Not too long after my purge someone leaves. I decide to go sit next to Grant. It's like I'm not even there. Finally I decide to order a shot for everyone and get their attention.

"So guys I hate to interupt your fun with my pressence, but I got thought we'd do a toast. Thank you for all being a part of this amazing tour and for all your hard work. I hope we'll be together next tour and yeah. Cheers!"

Our glasses clink together and I go and hug all of them. I walk towards the door and see their all back to chatting. I leave without saying a word and get a ride to the airport where all of my belongings that weren't shipped to my house are. I board the jet and before I know it I'm on route to New York.