Walls

Chapter 14- Habits die hard

Taylor's POV

The vomit burns my throat as it comes up. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't mean to relapse. When I got out of the treatment center I swore to myself I would never do this again. Ever. But here I am, bony knees pressing into the hard bathroom floor, head hung over the toilet, fingers down my throat, making myself throw up every bit of food in my stomach. I stand up, flush the toilet and walk out of the stall to the sink. Luckily I went to a secluded area and no one is here to see me. I take off my hat and sunglasses and clean my mouth. I pop a mint, dust myself off, and walk out as if nothing happened. Just as I did the last time I did this before I went to treatment.

I walk out to the gas station that's next to the stop and get in the car. Ed gets back in after filing up the tank and signals the security car behind us that we're about to leave.

"You good sweetie?"

"Yep, just had to use the bathroom really quick." I smile and nod trying to hid the pain on my face.

As we get back on the road I recline the chair and grab a blanket. I figure sleeping is the best way to avoid Ed. To avoid him figuring anything out. It's hard to fall asleep. I have too much on my mind. One of them being the desire to throw up again. The desire to get on a scale and see if I've lost anything yet. The other part of me feels like I should tell Ed. Ed can help me, make sure I don't get back to where I was. The thing is, Ed would surely put me back in that center. And I can't do that. I need to get back to where I was before I went in. I gained over 30 pounds in there. I'm pure fat now. You can't even feel my ribs through all the lard now. My stomach doesn't dip in the way it used to. I'm not perfect anymore. Not that I was before I went in.
In my sleep I dream of Christmas when I was a kid. When I ate all the cookies I wanted without wondering how many inches it would add to my waist. When I felt such joy from the simplest of things. When I played guitar in front of my family pretending to be big and famous. Now I am big and famous and it's not all it's cracked up to be.
I feel the car stop with a halt and the things in the back shift. It seems there's some holiday traffic.
"You alright love?" Ed says out of nowhere.
"Yeah just tired." I reply.
We drive for 3 more hours before finally reaching my parents house. My hands begin to shake as I see all the cars parked on their lawn. All those people to face. All those people who will look at me as if I'm some fragile little doll. As if I may just shatter. Most of my family tree will be in that house. That's a lot of people.

Ed glances at me knowingly and grabs my hand. We trek through the snow and finally reach the door. I take a deep breath and then finally open it. We are flooded with the scent of food and the sound of music.
I am greeted by my parents and their dog. They hug me, obviously holding back a comment about my weight. We are greeted by many of my family members as we make our way to the main room. I've made it through this barely, but I have to meet ed's parents today too. So many people to impress. So many people to keep in the dark.