Walls

Chapter 15- When It's All Over

Finally the holidays are over. Meeting Ed's parents and being around around my family went well. Ed's parents were kind and Ed said they loved me. My discrete visits to the bathroom after meals went undetected. With all the excitement Ed didn't notice that I fed half my meals to the dogs and stayed as far as humanly possible from anything with sugar. The fact that my habits are returning is going unnoticed and I've lost 2 pounds. The painful, but oddly comforting hunger pains have been coming back. I'm on the way to being perfect.
Ed is leaving in a few days to go to London for some business. I'll be here working on finishing things for the tour and doing dates. It's perfect timing for Ed to be leaving so I can figure out how to get away with things and him not notice. I know how much it'll hurt him if he finds out, but it'll hurt me more if I don't do these things. He just doesn't get it. When I eat it makes me feel physically sick and when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. He doesn't have that so he can't understand that I'm doing it to heal myself. He thinks it's bad, but it's not. It's just something I'm allowed to control unlike everything else. It's the one comfort I get in stressful times. The comfort that when I'm through with myself I'll be beautiful and the media will be without things to say about me. I'll be through with myself soon and when it's all over life will be perfect. I'll be in control of people's opinions of me and Ed will love me.
I fold ed's clothes and carefully pack them into his suitcase. He's mostly packed, just needs his chargers and toiletries. He'll be gone for a month.
"Don't forget sweatshirts, it's pretty cold here, it ought to be pretty cold in London."
"Oh I thought this was relatively warm for New York..."
"Maybe it's just me. I get cold easily"
"Probably." He says with a smile.

"I'm going to get a shower and then we can hang out, yeah?" I say.

"I could join you..." He winks.

I'm not sure what to say. We haven't done that in over 10 months and even with that we've only done it twice. He hasn't seen me naked since everything that happened. I feel my face flushing. I want to, so badly I want to be connected to him in the way only making love can give you, but if i don't want to see myself naked, how could he want to see me?

"I'm sorry, you're not ready. Bad call." He apologizes.

"No...I'm ready."

"Taylor I'm not forcing you. We can wait."

"No, i want to this, i want you." I smirk.

"I'll go get the shower started and wait for you." he says.

When he's gone i try to steady my shaking hands. I take an anxiety pill to calm me down and make my self look as good as i can. I shed my clothes as I enter the bathroom and quick put on a robe. There's a few candles lit and a bath drawn instead of the shower.

"I thought maybe a bath would be better and then we can rinse off in the shower and get cleaned and stuff..." We stand looking at each other in nothing but underwear and me in a small robe.

We're both nervous. I can just tell. There's towel on the ground for us and rose petals in the bath. The lights are dimmed. He did everything he could to help me be okay with this.

"Okay. This looks nice, thank you."

"No problem love." He smiles.

"I'm sorry but could you turn around while i take my clothes off and get in? I just..." I trail off and he turns around.

I place my robe on the hook and take off my bra and not so sexy underwear. I ease into the perfectly temperatured water. I try to keep as much of me covered by bubbles as i can and tell him he can get in now.

He eases into the tub and I try not to look as he gets in. My breathe shutters as i get a glimpse, remembering the last time we were together. Even though I'm nervous, i feel comfortable for some reason, like everything is okay in this moment.

When he eases back and closes his eyes for a moment, I think of my next move.

"Is the water warm enough?" he asks.

"It's perfect."

"Good. I just want this to go well."

"Ed calm down. It's okay let's just let it progress naturally. Don't treat me like a doll, I'm ready."

"I know it's just been so long and it's the first time since... and I'm nervous. And just please be sure you're ready because i don't know if I'll be able to stop if things pick up this time." He blushes.

He always so good with me. This has happened a lot where I say I'm ready and we get in an intense makeout session and I just can't get my clothes off, but I've already gotten to that part this time.

I pull myself up and sit on his lap. He shudders and I can feel how ready he is already. I don't take things too fast, just put my head against his chest and take in his scent. That alone is enough to get me worked up. It's been so long since either of us have done this. He hasnt gone off and did it with someone else or even by himself so that he is ready when I was. I haven't done it either, in any form so is was lot of anticipation.
I slowly move my lips up his neck and to his lips. They're soft, big his beard scruffs against my cheeks. I can feel his heartbeat picking up and pounding against my chest. Both our faces are flushed our lips brush each other's gently. Ed deeps the kiss and brushes his tongue against my lip, asking for entrance. I grant it and move my body to straddle his leg. Nerves hit as I know he's can see my body more now if he looks. Soon his kisses travel from my lips to my neck and then down my stomach. I lay back again the side of tub where the cushion is. Ed looks down at me, grabbing on to every inch of my skin. At first I feel self conscious, but then I begin to see the effect it has on him.
"Are you, you know, ready?" He says.
I nod and pull his lips to mine. He enters and suddenly I can't focus on anything but him. His hands are on my chest and his lips on mine. It's not long before we're both in total euphoria. We lay back catching our breath.
"That was..." He breathes out.