Walls

Chapter 12- Victoria's Secret

I put on my satin robe and strapped on my high heels. I swipe some pink lipstick on my lips and my ensemble is complete. I walk out into the lounge area where all the angels and performers are sitting and waiting for the beginning of the show. Just being in this room brings back every feeling of self hatred I've had in the last year. I look around the room, looking for a familiar face. I see Karlie and Lily talking to some of the other girls, whom I'm not really familiar with. Then I see Ed. Some newer, very young angels are hanging near him. They're all giggling. Ed looks happy to have the attention. Something I haven't give him a lot of in the past months. If this had been happening a year or so ago, I would be livid. With both Ed and the skimpily dressed girls, but now I sit here all alone, pining for that days when I could sit in a tight shirt and some short shorts and feel perfectly okay. Now I spend the Fall and winter covering myself with sweaters, coats, and jeans. And I preform in crop tops and short shorts that make me feel like a beached whale, just to convince the world that I'm fine. 

A wave of jealousy, frustration, and even hatred crash into me. I wanted to scream or throw something. Anything to stop feeling like this. I finally ripped my eyes from the sight and scanned the room until I found Karlie and Lily again. I walked over, saying hello, and grabbing them into hugs. They looked beautiful. Better than I could ever even imagine looking.

"Hey Taylor! You look amazing!" Karlie said to me. She and Lily were some of the only people who knew about my disorder. They'd been as supportive as they could with their busy schedules'. It't was just as well they couldn't be around much. Being around them wasn't the best thing for my confidence anyway.

"Thanks! you two look great too!" I reply back, pretending nothing was wrong, when really everything was wrong.

We make chit chat, patiently awaiting the beginning of the show. Soon people are being rushed to the runway and getting clothes thrown on them, yet somehow the girls still had time to hang all over Ed. Before I know it, I'm scurrying to go preform and Ed doesn't even notice I'm being whisked off. 

The performance goes well. I sway and dance around as I've been instructed to. I'm sure I will look like a whale on camera. I sure wish this thing wasn't going to be televised.

When I return to the green room, Ed is being prepped to do his performance.  He looks dapper. His hair is more controlled than I've ever seen it and his vest shows off all the weight he's been losing. When they finish, he heads to me. His green eyes sparkle, obviously oblivious to how he's caused me to feel. 

"You did great, love." He says kissing my forehead.

"Thanks. wait for me to get changed and and all. We'll walk together."

He sits on the couch in my dressing room and pulls out his phone. I go behind the dressing screen and grab my outfit. I put on the matching lacy bralette and high waisted underwear. Then I pull on the sheer black lace covering that goes over it. I put on the pumps and look in the mirror. It was meant to look sexy and maybe to some people it will, but to me it looks terrible. I wish they would've left me covered like they did last year. This year they decided to sex me up to go with my whole 'pop and crop tops' look. I walk to the vanity and fix my bangs and swipe some red lip stain on my lips.

"Alright let's go!" I say cheerily. I'm going to be happy for the rest of this night. I deserve it.

Ed and I stand backstage, joking around as everyone goes out one by one. When he's next, I ruffle his hair, much to the dismay of his stylist. Soon he's out there preforming. He has the voice of an angel. Even though I was hurt earlier, I can't not enjoy this. It's impossible not to. 

The show continues and finally it's time for the finale.  The models line up on the stage and then Karlie and I walk out to the opening bars of style. We stand at the front of the stage, grab hands and walk together as I start the song. She's tall and looks killer in that outfit. I can't help, but smile because I truly am proud of her. She blows me a kiss and starts walking back upstage as I walk around, dancing with some of the other girls as they walk down.

I finish off by walking to the end of the runway and strutting the post Karlie taught me. I feel good about how I did. I feel terrible about my body being up there with size 00 goddesses, but my vocals were good at least.