Darker And Colder

3.16: Any Less True

Note to self: 2nd february

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Chapter 48
Katniss's POV

The next day I am put in my 13 Soldier Uniform, but my Mockingjay pin is there to signal it is me.

Most soldiers are having their hair cut close to their heads, but apparently the Mockingjay's hair is too precious. It's annoying sometimes. Before I could do stupid stuff, now I'm just classed as the unhinged face of the revolution; someone needed to be kept pretty and safe and in the dark of all important plans. It's surprising that I get to go to the Capitol- I guess Coin has given up all hope on me now.

I kiss Willow goodbye, so does Peeta. We don't really talk, it isn't important at the moment, whatever we could have to say. He holds her before I give her over to my Mom. "Keep her safe," I say. "If I die, don't zone out again. Please. Prim may be very capable now but she won't be able to cope completely on her own. And Willow needs to be safe. It's the same as when I was in the Games, okay?" I pull a small list out of my pocket. "If you can- If I die, that is... give whoever is in charge of what happens to Willow this."

People to take care of Willow:
Peeta Mellark
Clara & Primrose Everdeen
Johanna Mason
Finnick O'dair
Annie Cresta
Hazel Logan
People who Willow cannot go to:
Gale Hawthorne

She looks at the list and nods, though she seems a little confused with the last bit. I guess she deserves an explanation. "Mom, I need to tell you something. Can we sit down?"

She leads me inside her compartment.

"Mom, I know Gale has always supported us... but I don't think I'd want him to anymore. He... he's the one who hit Peeta and induced the intensive Hijacking."

"Oh my god," she says. "Why would he do something like that? He's always seemed so nice, and what would Peeta do to him?"

"Mom, I... please calm, it's... uh..." I take a deep breath and stare at a small spot on the grey ceiling to try and stop the tears flooding down. "I tried to trust him after that but... I thought he was being nice, he said to go to his compartment after District 8 because they'd harass me at mine... and he was right but still..." Breathe. "He pushed me down, started kissing me and..." My nails are scratching at my already raw skin, trying to get that feeling away. The feeling of his hands. It's good skin cells shed, then maybe one day I will have a body that he never touched. Even if the imprint on my mind will still be there.

"Wait, did he..." My Mom trails off, but I nod, knowing what she was going to say. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry."

And I feel the warm of her arms, knowing it's safe to cry now. "I'm okay though... Haymitch took me to report it and I'm not pregnant or anything."

She kisses the top of my head. "I'm glad, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm so sorry..."

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We board the hovercraft. I manage to get away from Gale; A seat that is out of his line of sight and so he can't hear me.

Someone sits next to me. I turn, expecting to see Boggs or Finnick, but the person sitting next to me is neither of them; he is a person I know by even the way he sits down- carefully, trying to position his leg. His blue eyes are a comfort that I have wanted for so long. I don't want to startle him, set off the venom, so I just say, "How's living somewhere other than the hospital?"

"Good," he says after a minute. "I have to stick to the timetable though, which isn't great," he laughs, but he's still looking at the floor. "I didn't see you in the cafeteria the last couple of days. I mean, I can't blame you if you're trying to avoid me, but you could've sat somewhere else. Don't stop some stupid mutt like me from eating."

"Peeta," I say, grasping his eye contact, "you aren't a mutt."

"I am, though. My memories are just made by the Capitol, and if I don't have true memories, then how would I have my own morals? And if I don't have my own morals, then my actions aren't mine either-"

"No," I cut him off. "You aren't a mutt. And it's okay, I don't exactly eat much anyway."

"Why not?"

I shrug. "I guess I just don't get hungry."

"Yeah, but you need food. You need to eat, to stay alive."

"Maybe I don't care if I stay alive."

"But other people do." I hold his stare. What does he mean? Who? "Your mother, Prim, Haymitch... Me. You seem to be the only person convinced I'm not a mutt."

"Well you're not. And you forgot Gale," I say, pretending like nothing happened with Gale. This is instantly a bad move because Gale also hurt Peeta, so now he's going to know something is up.

"I don't think you would want me to add him to the list. I talked to him in the cafeteria the other day and... he said he did some stuff... I think I know what he was getting at. Did he... rape you?" Peeta asks quietly, softly. He is treading carefully. He knows that past trauma is a dangerous territory with me. It's weird to hear the softness in his voice again, the way he knows only I can hear it, and I'm flung back to those nights on the train, when he asked me about my night terrors. The night that started all this. When he kissed me on the lips and help my face in his hands so sweetly that I gave in and melted right there. And the thought of that Peeta is what lets me confess to him.

"Yeah, he... he did." My voice is low and quiet. "What did he say to you?"

"That you didn't just belong to me... he had power over you too... That you should love him and not me... That I was a mutt... That I wouldn't ever want you again after what he did." I let my hair cover my eyes so I don't have to see his facial expressions. "That last one couldn't be less true. I still want you... I think. My head's a mess. We both know that. But the one thing that keeps tugging at my thoughts is that I want to be with you somehow. So, even though I may be pretty messed up... you think we could take a shot at maybe being friends again?"

I hug him. It takes a second but I feel his arms wrap around me too. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Peeta. My best friend.