All or Nothing

21

I sighed and blushed softly as the hot water ran down my back, thinking about the fact that I had actually slept in the same bed as Shota that night. It was 9 a.m. and I woke up first so I snuck myself out of the bed and got in the shower. I felt worn out and wilted, everything hitting me at once as I slowly rested myself on the floor of my shower, submerging my head under the water. I pulled my knees up to my chest as I rested my head on them, wrapping my arms around my legs.

In the years I was gone to school it felt like I had lost myself and grew a different, distant, one in her place; I didn't feel attached to my body or my emotions. I thought back and wondered how much of my university experience I missed. I remembered there would be days I only remembered going to my classes and everything else would become a blur. How much did she do without my knowledge? I didn't know what to call her, she'd never given me a name. I just knew what she thought about me and my decisions; she was never happy with anything. Of course, I'm sure she was just mad she's not the host, and was created to be nothing like me as a defense mechanism.

I took a deep breath, pushing wet hair out of my face as I looked to check up on Shota. He was still in bed from what I could see, his lumped form raising and falling slowly under the covers. I had taken all those years just to make sure me falling for him wasn't a trauma response. I remembered our first kiss as I touched my lips gently, remembering how unsure and new it was; probably for the both of us. I didn't trust myself with him, he was so good to me, too good to be true. He treated me like I'd never been treated before, and god he was so patient with me. He was fun to be around, smart, handsome, and funny under all that stoic sharpness; he didn't let very many people see it. Shota was one of those people that was tough on the outside but if you get him in his environment around people he liked he was more relaxed.

I relaxed my focus and stared blankly at the door, sighing as I reached over and turned off the water. I had wallowed in my thoughts long enough, I wanted to go lay back down.

I got out of the shower and pulled on a black tank top along with a pair of grey sweat pants to wear until I felt like putting on actual clothes. I looked in the mirror as I brushed out my hair, examining my face a little too closely. The bags under my eyes had gotten a little unmanaged and my lips looked chapped; I made a mental note to drink more water. I started to brush my teeth, and got sidetracked when my neck scar caught my eye.

I wondered if Toya was alive, what he had done after leaving. I always saw the best in people no matter what, even to a fault, so I secretly hoped he'd changed for the better. I remember the time I told him the scars would mean nothing to me if he'd just changed. I sighed at the thought before rinsing my mouth out and tossing my tooth brush back into its cup. I looked one more time in the mirror at my scars, lightly reaching up and touching the one on my neck. I had developed ptsd so bad that any sudden fire caused a panic attack. The unexpected smell of smoke would cause me to freeze and go catatonic until I made sure I was safe. I left my hair down to dry and gave up my train of thought, scared it would cause a spiral. I walked back into my room and went to the closet to pick out something to wear.

As if on cue I heard Shota start to stir, making grunts of annoyance at the thought of having to get up. I stifled a giggle as I continued to look into the closet, sifting through the endless amount of black shirts I owned, "Morning sleepy head."

I heard a surprised noise and I focused on the bed, seeing him look over at me with his mouth and eyes wide open. I put a hand over my mouth to stop yet another giggle, "Yeah I was surprised too, we must've been really tired after unpacking last night."

He closed his mouth and cleared his throat, "Oh, uh, yeah," he let out a sheepish chuckle, "I guess so."

"How'd you sleep?" I pulled out a black long sleeve shirt and turned around to face him, a soft smile on my face.

He smiled at me as he put his hair up, "Really good actually, what about you?"

I grinned realizing he didn't remember waking up last night and walked over to him, setting the shirt down on the bed, "I slept ok."

He looked up at me as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, "How long have you been awake?"

"I woke up a little bit ago," I scooted over to stand in front of him, brushing a stray hair out of his face, "I just got out of the shower."

His arms snaked around my waist, pulling me close as he looked up at me, resting his head against my chest, "I should stay the night more often."

I blushed, grinning shyly as I rested my arms on his shoulders, playing with his ponytail as I looked down at him, "You really should."

"Hotaru," he spoke softly, lifting his head up as he looked at me intently, "you're beautiful."

I didn't even get a chance to respond before his lips crashed against mine, his arms pulling me in to straddle his lap. I felt my skin light aflame as he kissed me passionately, his hands lighting a trail up my back wherever they touched. My hair felt like it was standing on end as I cupped his face, my heart racing. We finally pulled back for air, but barely left a centimeter between our lips. I felt high as I scanned his face, my mind fuzzy with a feeling I'd never felt before. Want? Need? I wasn't sure how to place it, but I knew that I didn't want it to stop.

"Take me, Shota," I whispered softly, almost inaudibly, I couldn't hide how desperate I was, "please."