Once Upon A Bet

/39/ Checkmate

Dedicated to catrosphere_, thanks for the lovely, amazing support so far <333

Meryl was satisfied with my progress.

Progress?

I didn't know how to feel about that. Was I doing some progress? Was I actually moving forward? Getting better? 

I guess a part of me was. There was still uphill battles through my days -for most of the time actually, but there was also... more calm? Yesterday was certainly a good day. A great day at its moments, and even with the little sleep I'd done last tonight and tiredness stretching within me like an ache; I was content.

Content.

Even with Meryl's crushing questions. Even with the apprehension and vulnerability to voice my worst thoughts and fears. Even with the natural distaste for therapy, I was content. And all for letting in one person I was praying to all the gods won't backfire on me.

Meryl'd seemed to encourage me, though. She listened carefully and when I told her about Jake and the improvement we've been achieving this past days she was pleased. She liked that I was facing my insecurity and allowed something that a couple months ago would have seemed impossible: trust Jake.

I didn't tell her all he said to me, it felt too intimate and personal to share it -even with her. But I told the woman we were moving forward and she encouraged me. She told me it was good that I was healing.

Healing.

Was I?

I wasn't slowly moving on, right? I was agonizingly letting people in, knowing people, having them there... I wasn't as alone. And that indeed was like a balsam for my soul, making it easier to ease the burning ache.

"And what about your future?" she asked, snapping me out the trance I entered thinking of her positive prospectives. "You've mentioned before that it was quite unclear."

"It still is."  Her head tilted, silently encouraging me to keep going and I let out a sight. My future? "I'm not getting into Yale."

"You're not?"

I huffed, adverting my gaze to the ground in shame. Of course not. She knew this already. "I got no money."

"There's always scholarships, Nova." she hummed patiently. "And other schools. If you really want to curse a degree there are options."

Are there, really? I pursed my nose and bit into my thumbnail anxiously. "I don't know about it anymore. I don't know what I should do and even if that is real my options are narrow at the moment."

She hummed again, writing down in her notebook and my foot tapped against the floor. It bothers me not knowing what she put in there. "Forget about the options for a second, alright?" she suggested and after a few hesitant seconds I nodded. "Alright, imagine it as a clear table. No money involved, no forbiddings... what would you want to do? What would be the next step for Novella Jensen?"

Go to Yale. For my grandfather, for me. To be an architect. To learn to build something strong, solid, permanent.

But the thing was, that this wasn't a clear table or whatever. I simply couldn't afford any of that. What I took for granted not too long ago, the only positive thing about my position and possibilities, was now so far away I couldn't even see it on the horizon anymore. And now what? What do I do with my life without a reasonable aim?

But even if I kept it all to myself, not daring to voice it, Meryl seemed to read into it.

"That's okay." she freed me from the growing tension at my unsaid answer. "Have you ever played chess?"