Once Upon A Bet

/33/ Overthinking

Dedicated to Starco231, thanks a lot for all the support so far <333

My eyes snapped open at the sudden bangs against the wooden surface of the guesthouse's door, breaking the little peace I'd searched for when I chose to ignore the alarm clock. But there was no peace, not for me. Even in that chill room, away from everything and everyone, on my own to overthink and rot in my own lake of self pity.

Against all odds, yesterday I'd felt... almost happy. At least close enough, but I'd been deprived of that feeling for so long I didn't know if I fully remembered it. I allowed myself to forget, to have some hours unstressed, just spending time with Jake, and that somehow erased my problems long enough for me to believe they might be gone.

But it was all one beautiful illusion. They came all back at once at night, and not even the couple of sleeping pills I fished with shaky hands were fully capable of erasing the horrible weight in my chest.

I was free, I'd claimed. I was making my own way, drawing my own path just the way I wanted, without anyone dictating it for me. I should feel strong, accomplished even, just like yesterday when I declared to have left for better. But I felt nothing even remotely close of those. I felt... lost. So utterly and completely lost I couldn't find myself in it.

Was it really such a great choice to leave? To trust myself? To trust fate would get better once I was indeed left with nothing?

And with all those doubts came the pain I'd been running from but that never seemed to leave me. It was deafening, numbing... it sank right to my bones and nested there to take over everything I was and make me doubt what was even true or worth it.

I

Was

Nothing.

For a brief moment of delusional glee, I'd allowed myself to be tricked by the sweet balsam of hope. To be fooled like I once was. I only kept bouncing in the rock bottom, hoping that by some miracle it all would be better one day when reality was much simpler: This was never going to get better.

The bangs snapped me out my sleepy slumber once more, this time louder and accompanied by a known voice. "Nova wake up." Avery sang from the other end making my head hurt all the more and this apprehension clenched around my chest a her presence and reminder I was indeed meant to meet them for the move.

Yesterday when they all joined us I indeed talked to Fawn about the thing with her flat and she seemed excited about me moving in. I'd been intoxicated by that strange good mood and took it as a good sign, but now thinking about it cooly, was it really such a bright idea?

She was Jake's cousin, Avery's and Shawn's best friend and part of the group way before they even knew I existed. Moving in with her meant being under her loop and judgement. She was very picky and herself in stuff so if she gets tired of me, find me weird, ended hating me and disregarding me like the rest of the world had; I would be all again by myself and without the small pillars they provide.

I shouldn't have included them in something like this, in my messed up life. Now they all knew what a fuck up I was. How the people that was supposed to love me no matter what couldn't even stand me and I was forced so seek around for a place I could afford. My savings had been expiring with the passing days and now I realized if I wanted to afford this little get away, I needed to reduce my expenses and increase my collecting. Maybe find another job- 

"Helloooo." I heard Avery on the other end of the door and my heart squeezed.

"I don't feel well." I managed to blurt out in a hoarse horrible voice but at least it came out. "Sorry, j-just go away."