The Internship

Chapter Thirty-Four

"It's my fucking life. I should be in control. Make me go, and I'm done."

"You don't mean that."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

He scoffed. "Okay. Let's test it out then."

"Stop being such an asshole!"

"Me?! You're the one forcing me to go to therapy! Please explain to me how telling a complete stranger the things that go on in my mind, things that I don't even understand, will help me. Please explain how getting more anti-depressants will ultimately save my life. Please explain how hearing what's wrong with me be repeated by someone who understands me even less than I do will help me accept it. Please explain, I'm begging you."

"That's not fair," I whispered. "None of this is fair. I deserve to be happy, too."

"Then why the hell are you still here?"

"Because I love you."

"You say that but I--I can't help but feel like you don't mean it."

"That's on you, not me. I love you and I've let you tell me you're fine and that you don't need help for a while now. I've tried and tried but one look into your soft, brown eyes and I caved. And if the fact that I'm putting my foot down and making you get the help that you need makes me a horrible person, then I'm fine with it."

"When does a person reach their limit?"

"What?"

"When has someone had enough? Because I'm out here drowning and you've been swimming around me for a long time now, afraid to really do anything. But it's getting worse and you're growing more worried, so you've decided to help me. You pull me out of the water. And it's difficult because my dead weight is fighting you and making it harder, so much harder that you consider giving up. Somehow, you finally get me out of the water and start doing CPR. But it's too late, I'm already gone." He watched me carefully, making sure I connected all the dots. "You can try and save someone, but once they're gone, they're gone. And there is no bringing them back."

He then left me with my thoughts as he got up, grabbed his handbag, and walked out of the door to go to a therapy session that he didn't even want.

-----

I'm allowed to be concerned. In fact, I should be.

I was losing Mitch more and more everyday. First it was the spark in his eyes when he smiled and then his smile altogether. And his sassy comments and funny jokes. And the most recent, the one that had hurt the most, was the meaning behind every "I love you" they seemed to be just words to him now.

I wasn't leaving, though. He needed me now more than ever. He was worth everything. Even the days when I'd go without eating and not even notice. Even the times when I was filled with so much sadness that I got confused about which one of us was depressed. Even when he didn't answer his phone for a few hours and I had panic attacks while wondering if he was even still alive.

I was sitting on my shower floor, sobbing as the warm water hit my body, when he came home. 

"Babe! I'm back and I brought dinner! We have a lot to talk about!"

I gave myself a few more minutes in the shower before getting out and throwing on some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

He froze for a moment when I walked out and our eyes met. I knew that it hurt him to see me upset, especially because he knew he was the reason everytime. But I didn't care, let alone know how to cover up my bloodshot eyes. I was as broken as him, I guess.

"She wants me to move in with you," he blurted after minutes of us silently eating.

I almost choked. "What?!"

"Yeah..." He seemed hurt, probably because I wasn't excited. And a part of me was, but for the wrong reasons. I was excited that I could keep a closer eye on him and make sure he was okay. That's boyfriend enough of me, right?

This would mean less panic attacks but also more time together. That was something that we just weren't good at anymore.

"Please just say something. You're thinking really hard, I can tell."

"I just--I don't know if it's a good idea."

He seemed crushed but covered it up quickly, something he'd gotten good at lately. "Me either. It's your home, though. I don't have to--if you don't want me to."

"I still think that you're my home," I whispered. It was so soft that even I could barely hear it.

"What?" He asked.

"You said that this was my home, but it's not. It's just an apartment, I could go move into another. I can have a million apartments and houses, but only one you. You're my home."

He stared at me for a moment before leaning over the table and kissing me. It lasted a long time, mainly because we just hadn't kissed in what felt like forever. It was slow and steady, almost a conversation as if to say "maybe we'll make it".

 We stared at each other when we pulled away.

"Maybe we can--" I began.

"It doesn't have to make sense. In fact, none of it does. I know two things. One: I don't love you nearly as much as I used to. Two: I really, really wish I did and will do anything that I have to until I do again. You're mine and I'm yours. That won't change, ever. I promise."

A Letter That He'll Never Read

Oh god. You're going to break me, aren't you?

A/N Hi hi hi! It's been a long time and I'm sorry!!! Please love me ))):

*OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO SAY!!!*

I was reading over this story, looking for mistakes, you know the usual. And the "A Letter That He'll Never Read" from Chapter Twenty-Two seemed really familiar but in a weird way??? Like you know the feeling when you recognize something but can't exactly put your finger on it??? But then I figured it out!!! It was really similar to an anonymous quote that I'd read before. And the only reason why I figured it out was because I remember liking it so much. I didn't take it word for word but I was inspired by it and took some parts (I normally write this story at like 3am but seriously how did I mess up this bad you guys). I've already added a little note to that chapter but I just felt reALLY bad. Especially because a lot of you really liked that one. I'd never ever try to take credit for something that's not mine!!! Yikes!!! So inspiration and creds to that anon person they're an amazing writer (-:

I also have a new story go read it or you'll be blocked by everyone in ptx on every social media platform.

Ooh that one came from the really mean, dark side of my brain. Okay bye I need sleep I love you all so much!!!