Growing Up

Part 17.

Sirius stared and blinked at Remus dumbfounded at his blatant lack of hesitation. "We'll think about it" Sirius smiled and stood up.

They said their goodbyes and apparated back to 12 Grimmauld place, Harry laying sleepily in Remus' arms.

"What?"  Sirius hissed and whipped around to face Remus.

"I love you, but Moony! We haven't even thought about this!"

It was one of the first times he had ever seen Sirius so over the top about a job. Maybe it was because he never had one, he didn't need to.

"Padfoot, how long has it been since we visited with anyone? Since we actually talked to the people we've known?"

Remus wanted this job more than anything. To be able to help Madam Pomfrey, just as she had helped him not so long ago. Sirius had to understand. They needed this more then ever.

"Where will we put Harry?"

"I'm sure they have options, people who can take care of him." They had been going crazy in the house for so long. Even during the war in wjat they called "lie low at Lupin's" before James and Lily died was still hell for him.

"No!" Sirius cried as he held his hands out to take Harry. Harry leaned against his chest, sleepy.

"How could we trust him with anyone but ourselves? You saw what happened! Moony, we promised we would keep him safe."

Sirius was almost hysterical. He held Harry like there was nothing else.

"Sirius," Remus looked him in the eyes, wondering if he was comforting enough, he'd never been good at it, but tried his best.

"How will we ever be able to have our own life if we're the safety blanket all the time. I am just as worried with him being out of our sight as you are, but Hogwarts is the safest place in the world!"

lies.

Remus paused, then got his train of thought back.

"We need something to do. This could be good for us." He smiled.

"I'm so scared..." Sirius breathed in shakily, patting Harry's back before setting him down.

"He could grow up with no one, or he might not grow up at all. What would we do?"

"No." Remus pushed aside the thought that tore through him like a hot knife. That poor boy had been through enough.

"He was spoiled rotten when James and Lily were here, and he will continue to be. and he will be okay."

They were silent for a moment before Remus started again.

"Defense against the Dark Arts would be fun. You stood up to someone who worked for-"

Harry had grabbed at Remus' pant leg, so he picked him up and walked around, talking more about the Hogwarts positions that they had been offered.

But Sirius wasn't listening. He put his face in his hands, his leg bouncing anxiously.

Remus went on and on, pacing the room with Harry in his arms. Sirius cracked his knuckles, twirling his hair around his fingers with the brute force enough for it to rip out. His vision blurred along with his hearing. His heartbeat shot up to his throat, and it was the only sound that filled his head. Darkness surrounded him, closed in on him.

"Pads?"

Remus' small voice echoed through his ears, his words fading into nothing, he was unable to respond. Sirius grasped his neck with trembling hands. His thoughts were consumed with the idea of Harry, or himself ending up alone clouding his mind, making it impossible to think straight, to breathe, to focus. His chest felt heavy, like the weight of a brick had been put upon him. He grabbed his other hand and picked at the skin. The picking turned to scratching.

A warm hand touched his back and halfway snapped him back to reality. Gasping, he turned his gaze. Remus was one who was supposed to make this feeling go away, the one who was supposed to protect him, the one who always had.

"Sirius? Do you want me to stay?" Remus said softly. He had dealt with Sirius in this state often, more in his teen years. It had been a while since something had triggered this kind of response.

The picking didn't stop, the scratching didn't either. His hand turned red as he carved his fear into his skin. Remus grabbed his hands and held them away from each other.

"Moony?" Harry whined, grasping for anything in reach.

"Get- him- out-" He heaved.

Remus quickly grabbed Harry and walked him towards Kreacher's quadrant of the house and ran back to Sirius.

"I'm gonna lose-"

"No, you're not." Remus interrupted. "I'm right here. You know it'll be okay-"

"I don't!" tears fell as his hands smacked the table with pitiful fear. "James always said he would live the longest. That we would grow old and have a bunch of kids running around. Now he's gone and we only have one! It didn't happen!"

Remus' heart ached and tears pricked his eyes. watching Sirius' life feel like its crumbling around him made him sick to his stomach.

"Yes you do, you do know. I'm not leaving, not voluntarily, anyway."

Sirius got up and walked to the wall and hit it with his fist. The sound echoed through the room and he hit the wall again.

Remus walked up behind him and spun him around by the shoulder. He put his hands on Sirius' cheeks and wiped away the tears with his thumb. Sirius sobbed and pulled Remus in, sinking into his arms.

Remus ran his fingers through his lovers hair, doing his best to calm him down while holding pressure on his bleeding hand. Remus sat him down, cradling him as he wept. He got his wand out of his back pocket and pointed it shyly at his hand.

"episky" He whispered.

The wounds on his bleeding white knuckles slowly closed up, leaving only some dried blood. The smell to Remus was horrific, he had to move Sirius' hand elsewhere. The full moon was near and the smell of blood was unbearable, but that wasn't his first priority, Sirius was.

"I love you. We'll be alright."

Word count: 1030