Fear & Desire ❤️‍🔥

Again

Surprisingly, sleep found you easily last night and you woke up with a smile. After yesterday's antics, you knew that today would be the perfect day to do it. You saw Bucky's fears, you knew that he thought he had seriously hurt you which was ridiculous, he couldn't possibly ever hurt you. Yesterday was a heated situation, tensions were high, Bucky underestimated his strength, you couldn't fault him on that. Despite the whole situation, the main thing Bucky feared was you thinking of him as a monster, as animalistic, as the cold winter soldier he had sworn was gone. Bucky needed reassurance. You were going to give that to him. You were going to tell him you loved him.

Travelling to the compound, your mind drifted onto Loki. The first time he had kissed you could be explained away by the fact that you were having a panic attack and he was trying to calm you down but the second time when he tried to kiss you, that wasn't as easily remedied away. Neither was your willingness before you snapped out of the trance. Did Loki like you? Surely not. Not like that. He was probably just tired and didn't even realise what he was doing. But the look you both exchanged as he was standing at your door was stellar. Bewitching. If you hadn't backed away, you both would have exchanged another kiss. You felt your heart beating faster at the thought. No, no y/n don't be absurd, you're with Bucky, you love Bucky.

Entering the compound, you made your way to Bucky's room.

"Morning y/n" you heard Natasha from behind you.

"Morning Nat" you smiled turning around and embracing her in a hug.

"Going somewhere?" She questioned releasing you.

"No, I've just arrived" you replied earning a puzzled look in return.

"Arrived? Well you must have just left really early this morning to go for a run or something and now you're back" she muttered barley audible resuming her journey.

"What?" You called after her but she had walked off, not hearing you.

Turning back around, you were faced with Steve who wore a stern look.

"Morning Steve" you waved over enthusiastically bracing yourself for his reprimand.

"What the hell y/n, you can't just abandon missions." He scolded.

You would have usually been angry at Steve for telling you off as if you were a child for 'abandoning the mission' especially because the interrogation had irked you but today was a special day, nothing could dull your mood.

"Steve, I do apologise, the interrogation wasn't fully conducted and that was my bad" you explained gesturing to yourself "I take full responsibility. The case was too close and I let my emotions get the better of me and—"

"Y/N, you don't need to elaborate any more" he said furrowing his brows before relaxing them "now, Captain America, team leader, was angry at your departure and termination of the interrogation but, Steve Rogers isn't, I'm sorry y/n, we didn't realise the man knew personal information about you" he finished, giving you a hug.

"Thank you Steve" you smiled as he released you. "But can we speak about this further later on please, it's just, I have to really speak to Bucky?" You asked eager to tell Bucky how you felt.

"Go get em champ" he replied first bumping the air.

"Do not ever do or say that again please" you laughed turning around and heading towards Bucky's room.

Approaching the door on tenterhooks waiting to tell Bucky how you felt, you called out whilst giving the door two knocks.

"Bucky it's me" you said opening the door.

Surprisingly, Bucky looked disheveled, clearly the situation from yesterday was still bothering him and you felt guilty for not chasing after him.

"Bucky I'm sorry" you started as he looked away from you. Remorse tugged at your heartstrings at his silence and lack of eye contact. What if he doesn't forgive you for looking into his fears? What if he doesn't forgive you for not chasing after him?

"I have something I want to say" you carried on stepping further into the room and towards where he was sitting on his bed.

"Y/N I—"

"No Bucky, let me speak please" you said cutting him off "yesterday with Loki, it wasn't what it looked like at all. I was having a panic attack and he—"

"Y/N—"

"I'm nearly done" you smiled putting a finger over his lips. You felt slightly awkward as he didn't reciprocate your smile, he just sat looking at you with saddened eyes. You felt so sorry. Putting your hands on his cheeks so he'd focus on you, you started speaking again.

"Bucky, I- I lov—" you stuttered feeling nauseous that you were going to finally tell him how you felt. You and Bucky hadn't officially used the L word yet. There were whispers of it during sex but nothing meaningful. He looked back at you deflated, you couldn't look into his eyes as you admitted this, looking down, you carried on

"I love yo— what's that?"

Your brows furrowed as you looked down at the discarded condom wrapper on the floor. The feeling of injuring yourself is painful, but it's not as painful as the healing, the accidental knocks when you're waiting for a bruise to heal or the times you accidentally scratch off a scab, restarting the whole healing process again was what really hurt. They're more painful than the initial injury. The same goes for a heart. When you've mended a broken heart, cracks always remain. When something disturbs these cracks, it causes the heart to shatter. That pain is excruciating.

Looking back up to Bucky who had followed your gaze to what you were looking at, a pained smile spread across your face.

"But Bucky we- we haven't had sex in about a week. We haven't and—" you tried to swallow down the lump that had formed in your throat. "That's ridiculous I mean we don't even use that brand did you let Sam bring someone in here again huh that's funny he could have at least tidied up right Bucky tell me this is ridiculous" you spoke quickly before forcing him to look at you "LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME ITS RIDICULOUS" you shouted before smiling at him with tears brimming in your eyes "you di- you didn't?" you whispered, voice breaking.

"Y/N I'm so so sor—"

Bucky was speaking, you couldn't hear him, your vision was blurred, your heart was thumping, you were drumming your fingers against your thumb before your eyes were glazed over.

A chocked sob escaped you when you saw it. His fears right now. Bucky feared you'd find out.
Trembling, you stood up. You tried your hardest to revert back into the unfeeling y/n, the one you had relied on so many times in the past to cope.

"Oh" you murmured before making a beeline for the door.

Tears were falling from your eyes as you tried to aggressively wipe them. You felt as if you were floating down the corridor. Running but never actually reaching any sort of desired destination. Voices all blurred into nothingness as you began quickening your pace.
Reaching Loki's door, you tried to take some steadying breaths to even out your voice.

"Um Loki can I come in please?" you asked still wiping your face.

"Of course" he replied opening the door for you using his seidir as he laid in his bed, back against the headboard, shirtless.

Your eyes widened when you caught sight of him, he was speaking but you couldn't hear him, you could only see him. He tried to stand up to comfort you but you just shook your head as you slowly stepped towards him lifting your top over your head.