Fear & Desire ❤️‍🔥

The stupid y/n

You waited for Loki's breaths to even out before you snuck out of his room. You grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around yourself. Nearing the door, you stopped for a moment to look at the painting. Instantly you knew where he got the inspiration from. That morning after the party when you were hungover and looked a mess. The morning Bucky had made you breakfast and you had spent ages talking with one another. How could Loki have turned the sight of your into this masterpiece? How could Bucky have flushed your whole relationship down the drain?

Pushing open the door to your room at the compound, you instantly felt the tears that were yet to fall streaming down your face. You turned and pushed the door, ensuring it was closed before collapsing to the ground. Your used your hands to stifle the wails that were rupturing from you. The sheet pooled around you as you sat on the floor rocking slowly feeling the remains of your heart shatter.

Glancing around the room, you could see all the memories haunting you. The memories of you and Bucky. Every time you had copulated, danced, laughed, sang together, spent hours just talking, all of it, all of it was in this room mocking you. You meant nothing to him. That was evident now.

Sniffling, you stood up and staggered to the bathroom to shower. This shower was just that bit more hotter. Just that bit longer. Just that bit more needed than all the others you've had. You let the water stream down you praying that it'd wash the heartbreak away. You couldn't comprehend having to go through that again. You wanted so desperately to just let someone else take the wheel whilst you became no more than a backseat passenger watching this charade, this tragic play that was your life unfolding.

Exerting the bathroom and walking back into your room, you looked at your desk and studied the picture that was framed. It was a picture of the team, you included. Bucky had a hand on your back whilst he smiled at the camera on one side of you but on the other was Loki. He wasn't looking at the camera. He was smiling down at you and surprisingly, you were looking up at him with an equally wide smile. How hadn't you realised this before? This picture had always been here yet you hadn't ever really looked at it before, until now.

You walked to your wardrobe and took out some clothes. You got dressed into an oversized hoodie and some jeans before tying your hair up in a simple bun. Slowly, you walked towards the full length mirror taking in your appearance. You were her again. The fractured y/n, the broken y/n, the unloved y/n, the stupid y/n, the victim y/n, the alone y/n.

Sighing and turning away, you looked back at the picture of the team and you and Loki. You felt guilty. You felt guilty because your boyfriend had just cheated on you and you decided to run to Loki's room and fuck and you didn't feel bad about it, you didn't regret it. You felt guilty because you didn't feel guilty. You let more thoughts consume you as you sat on the bed. Was it just lust or was there more? Had there always been more? Were you fooling yourself thinking you and Loki were just friends? No. You were friends. You couldn't let anything more flourish between you both. He'd end up breaking your heart that you'd now have to spend ages mending again just like they all eventually do. You vowed that you wouldn't fall for Bucky, that you'd just have fun but you broke that vow, this time, you were not going to break it with Loki.

From the moment his movements stilled and he ejaculated, you knew you wanted to feel that again. The whole experience was blissfully intoxicating and you felt closer to him than you had ever felt with Bucky during moments of passion. Bucky would never allow himself to release whilst still inside of you even though he was wearing protection. Anytime he did, it was a mistake but Loki, Loki was more than happy to finish in you despite the absence of protection. As sordid and pathetic as it was, you liked the feeling of him exuding in you, it was comforting, a comfort Bucky never granted.

Pulling your phone out, you set an alarm to remind yourself to go to the chemist later and pick up a morning after pill. Chuckling to yourself, you felt like a naughty teenager.