Painted Faces - the masks people wear

Light in a stormy sky...

       I believe. 

      I believe in a God who loves me, who walks with me even when He seems to be nowhere near. He alone is my protector, the source of all that is good in me. He takes every broken part, every failure, every hurt and binds it up in His unfailing truth. 

      I am twenty years old now, it is a dark stormy night and I am distraught. I have been crying for hours while others in the house sleep. All I want is for this to end; I can stand it no more. 

     "Lord – where are you? Why don't you just let me die? Why is life so hard? Why do I hurt so much?"

     I am anorexic, frail, wasted. Hollow cheeks, bones poking out everywhere, stricken eyes that have seen way too much. But all I see is fat. Calories just waiting to pounce on me if I let myself sleep or if I relax for even just a minute. That's the paradox you see, I don't see what others see. They think I need to gain weight. I know I need to lose more, so much more. Surely if I lose just another kilo everything will come right, I'll have earned my release? Someone will rescue me, protect me. Is life really meant to be filled with this much anguish? I'm tired, so tired, I don't want to do this anymore. But I have to prove I can. Even in anorexia I must be the best. 

    "Where are you Lord? Why won't you come for me? My life is a mess, and I can't do it alone anymore. If you're real, I need to know!"

    "Come and look outside" 

     A small, quiet voice, but loud enough to break through my distraught misery. It's dark, stormy – windy and raining. I creep to the dining room and look outside, through the closed window. Nothing. 

   "No, you need to come outside little one". 

   But I'm only in my nightie and there's a storm outside – it doesn't make sense, am I really hearing this? Does God really talk to us in this way or am I just imagining it? And why would He talk to me anyway? 

    "Come outside". 

     Ok, I'll trust you, what does it really matter if I get wet? I open the door and walk outside. I shiver, it's cold and the wind whips my hair back; I hold my nightie down at my sides. 

    "Look up" 

    "But it's dark, Lord – there's nothing to see!"

     Then it happens; high above me the sky opens, and a brilliant light shines through. I don't know how to explain it or what it means. But I'm filled with peace, joy, excitement and wonder. 

    "Now you've seen Me; you know I love you and am with you always." 

     As quickly as it appeared, the light disappears again, and darkness once more envelops the night sky. I weep, but this time in relief, knowing that I am seen, my anguish is seen – and better yet, He cares enough to show me Himself. I return to bed and hug myself to sleep, a smile finally on my lips and hope renewed.

     I have no idea why He chose to do this for me, but I do know He is ready to do this for us all. Our Father truly loves us, will not ignore our anguish, our suffering. Will not leave us alone, will always provide His strength when ours has run dry. Sometimes we reach the end, sometimes more than once, before we remember this truth. Sometimes it's almost impossible to hold onto. And sometimes we need others to help us reach out and grasp His hand. But He's always there, waiting. Watching, longing for us to call Him, trust Him. 

    It doesn't mean we escape the hurts this life throws our way, but He promises to be there with us in the depths of our valleys. He will walk with us, guide us through the quicksand, bring people into our lives to help as needed, provide for us as we let Him. Remind us of His love, gentle and patient. Never controlling, just waiting. Waiting for our permission and invitation to act. 

    He knows our pain, our soul, our hearts more intimately even than we do. No thought escapes Him, we are actually nothing without Him. As He breathed life into Adam, the first of our kind, so He waits to breathe life into you and me. And over the years this is what has always saved me. Many times, I have wanted, tried, to take my own life. And begged God to take it for me. But in the end fear of ending up in a worse place, without God, in more pain and unable to escape has always stilled my hand. And when even that is too hard, He has asked others to intervene, to step in and stop me before it's too late. Because He knows my heart's cry is to be with Him. To end this pain, but ultimately not in a way that would separate Him from me forever. And He also knows that I have no desire to hurt those I love by my actions, desperate though I may feel. Even though at times I've been sure my death would be a release for them too, that they'd be much better off without me.