Painted Faces - the masks people wear

Unforgiveness: can you forgive?

Sadness fills my soul, Lord!

It needn't – I am here

You are enough for me, I know that – so why does my soul long for more? This is a journey I never wanted to take.

But you did, because you wanted to know. To fill in the gaps.

Ah – yes – I did. I guess. Just never thought the answers would be this traumatic. And I realise that maybe forgiving myself is the key. I feel so responsible. To blame.

It was not your fault

None of it was your fault.

   Forgiveness is important. It's part of the father heart of God. Forgive others and you will be forgiven. Matthew 6:14 says "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." 

Search your heart to seek out any unforgiveness there, because it is a stumbling block between you, healing, and God. Unforgiveness will give the enemy a stronghold in your life to keep you from all God has for you. It's possible to be holding unforgiveness for something that happened, a person, or even yourself and not even realise it.

So ask your Abba. Ask Him to show you. Then confess it, repent of it, release it – and don't take it back again!! Because believe me, the enemy will try to tempt you with it again.

   I have suffered in shameful silence going over and over what happened to me in that room and what I must have done to make them single me out. I didn't want to go into details of what happened there with others because I was aware it was just too, well, disgusting. They were not trained to listen without being impacted by it. And my shame reached further - once old enough to start "dating" I was determined to never sleep with anyone before marriage. It was a promise I made to God and myself; I knew it was wrong and wanted to remain "pure" for Him. So I believed until my memories began returning that I was a virgin until with my husband. I saw this as an incredible betrayal on my part and another loss of who I thought I was. I remember discussing with my counsellor how I almost felt cheated - others had slept with boyfriends and felt no reproach, why couldn't I have done so given what had already happened  to me? I had certainly loved and been loved by some of them so would not have been acting badly by the world's standards. My purity had been shattered by those men, so already I had nothing to offer either God or a future husband in that regard anyway. I could finally understand why some girls become promiscuous after having been raped; suddenly you feel used and of no worth whatsoever. In my heart I know, though, that my inbuilt fear of doing "wrong" would ultimately have stopped me, despite the new-found realization that I may have wanted it to be otherwise. With those very close to me I could discuss the hurt of what happened with my counsellor, because somehow I believed that it was more acceptable to be hurt by that, a very real and recent event that I needed to understand - and maybe also given no-one but me seemed to think it was my fault. So many tears, anxiety attacks and sleepless nights, going over and over the events in my head, trying to see what I could have done differently - but in the end it all comes down to this: I needed to forgive myself. And trust my Abba to take care of the rest.

    I don't know what you are going through right now but trusting your Abba to have your back and listening to Him is the best way forward. Because He does you know! Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He has plans for you, but these will be side-tracked if you harbour or hold onto unforgiveness. Going one step further, unforgiveness can lead to bitterness or a hardened heart. Then it becomes increasingly difficult to hear your Abba's voice. He will not force you to listen. And you may even be trying to and wonder why He doesn't answer.

 Unforgiveness builds a high wall between you and your father. He's just waiting for you to knock it down.

Jeremiah 29 goes on in verse 12: "Then you will call on me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart".

   Seeking Him with all your heart is not really possible when part of your heart is afflicted with unforgiveness. Even if it's unforgiveness of yourself. Somehow unforgiveness of ourselves feels like it comes under a different category to harbouring unforgiveness of someone else; in some way it seems acceptable. So it hides unchallenged, pretending it's justified and permissible. Not so. Unforgiveness is still unforgiveness, regardless of who or what it's directed at. So set yourself free! It's a choice, the feelings will sometimes come later. Feeling it is not the prerequisite, choosing and repenting of it is. Your Abba will take care of the details.

   In these latter days, offense will become more and more common as Satan knows his time is nearing the end. It's one of his ploys to side-track and bind us up. Unforgiveness will follow if you let it. Unfettered it can break up friendships, marriages, families and even churches. Don't cling to it; recognize it early and hand it over to God. He always wants the best for you!

 Paradoxically, unforgiveness hurts no-one but yourself. That's it's real sting. The person you won't forgive probably doesn't even know it – and if they do, it's not them who is tormented by it. 

So do yourself a favour – forgive.