Painted Faces - the masks people wear

Beginning restoration...

        Today is a hard day; I feel heartbroken and hopeless. Betrayal is such a cold word, bereft of comfort or healing. I began counselling nearly two years ago now, in June 2018 I think, and six months ago it ended abruptly, with no warning, no ease of transfer, no support. From full support to no support in less than a week. 

      It followed a day of my worst flashback and dissociation. I began by reading some poetry – thoughts really – I'd written, which I believe led to a flashback of being buried alive. I will go into that later but for now it's enough to say I dissociated and couldn't move, couldn't come out of it.  At some point I was left in my car while other clients were seen, and I remember suddenly knowing I had to leave, escape, hide. I was fifteen again. I had to get away before they came for me. 

     I tried to come back, both physically and mentally but always had to run again. I was driven home that night I believe by my counsellor, but still really understood not much; still thought I was fifteen. Shame fills me when I think of that day, and its consequences. I lost the support that I needed,  while I waited two months to get into a Christian counselling ministry, "Restoring the Foundations" for a week - supposedly to deal with my dissociation and with the proviso that he would counsel me again afterwards if I agreed to go there. Despite renewed contact once I got back, that never eventuated and then he again cut contact. I was told he had become too emotionally involved.

      My week there was challenging, intense. Restoring the Foundations is a wonderful ministry which comes from the United States. I had to complete a long questionnaire and send it in weeks beforehand which outlined my family tree, my own history, and a checklist of personality traits, spiritual and family history background that was then interpreted to show where possible generational curses might be. 

      The ministry itself set about a kind of spiritual "spring clean". Renouncing generational curses, soul ties, ungodly beliefs and tending to soul hurts it led to praying off demonic strongholds and replacing ungodly beliefs with new Godly ones. I had "homework" of further questionnaires and audio teaching to attend to each evening. I learned to ask Jesus where He was when hurtful things happened to me in my past and what He would say to me about it. He healed and re-integrated the parts of me that had "split off" at various points of trauma – I could actually see in my spirit this happening as I was reconciled to myself and merged into one entity again.

    Following on from my week there I had daily work to do for 40 days in order to change the habits of negative self-talk and beliefs about myself I had learned over my lifetime and cement the new truths I had learned. This involved listening to a short daily podcast from the United States "home base" which taught, prayed and encouraged. I then had to read aloud my list of new Godly beliefs, renouncing the old.

     After a month I went back for one day to check in. Anything that had come up for me over that time was ministered to in the same way as the first time.

    Huge breakthrough was gained through this ministry, giving me hope and freedom from dissociation and flashbacks that I hadn't had for a long time. Martin, my best friend Anna and her husband James saw a new lightness about me and a shift in how I was coping. If you are struggling to find or hold onto freedom, I would encourage you to consider this ministry.

You will not be there alone - Jesus walks next to, before and behind you. He is your strong tower. He will fight for and alongside you. Yes, I found it hard but I was determined not to give up.