Painted Faces - the masks people wear

A well-known black dog...

     I have learned to write only when prompted by God. In that way my thoughts are ordered; I can trust what I am writing.

    Depression has been described as a black dog. I pity all the black dogs out there, being tagged by such an awful state! Truly, although depression is a human condition, illness, it is also manned by a demon. This demon can be a generational curse (maybe explaining in part why depression runs in family lines) or can have just attached itself to you in your darkest hour. It feeds on your despair, loneliness, and isolation. It saps all hope away, places a cloak of heaviness over you and turns your eyes from the God of hope. The world around becomes grey, frightening and a real threat.

    You become more weary, less and less able to resist the onslaught of negative dialogue in your head and sink further into despair. Rejection, suicide, and fear also then take up residence. They influence your thinking, isolate you further from all sources of help and convince you that even God doesn't care or can't help you.

That is a lie.

    You begin to self-destruct, push people away, but God is waiting, always there. He is an ever-present presence in your times of struggle. That is His promise, and He never fails. His hand is reaching down to pull us out; we just have to learn how to grasp it.

    So, before your mood lowers to the point of no return, put on some worship music – loud!! I find that there is a time in this spiral where even if every urge tells you not to, putting worship music on will ultimately help. It changes the atmosphere and allows God to work. Demons hate it. But I also know that if you miss this opportunity, it becomes impossible to do this for yourself, you have sunk too deep and are harder to reach. Maybe you could ask someone else to do this for you in times when you are resistant. A spirit of heaviness is discussed in the Bible, but unless you've been trapped by this spirit it is very hard to truly understand how it feels. There is an urge for people to tell you to "snap out of it" or "pull yourself together". Believe me, I understand how hard that is, and how much you wish you could, that it was that simple.

     In extreme times of depression in my life I have been committed to hospitals against my will, plied with medications and even potentially given up on. It's a very dark, lonely place to be. Failure is palpable, a bitter taste that adds to your misery. I tried to put on a brave face for visitors, especially my children, only to be told "why are you here when Martin is coping less well than you?" – the implication that I am selfish, indulgent; and all the more hurtful because my children heard that accusation and would not have understood. But they did not see that the effort involved to appear "normal" for their visit used every last piece of energy to fight for myself, and for days afterwards I could only lie curled on my bed, blocking out as much as possible. Numbness becomes your only reprieve.

     I am glad to say that I have never blamed or been angry with God for my journey. For some reason I knew in my heart that this was not of His doing. And maybe He honoured me in this, for He certainly brought Christian doctors and nurses to protect and aid me when I needed them most and was in the most danger. That doesn't make me better or worse than someone who is angry with God, just different.

     It is very easy to blame or be angry with God in times of hurt and struggle – and He has big shoulders. He understands and forgives you. But don't let it stay with you, don't let it create a gulf between you and your Abba. It will if you let it, and nothing would please Satan more. Be honest with Him about how you feel – scream at Him if you need to. He knows your thoughts already anyway; nothing you can say is a surprise or shock to Him. It always saddens me when I hear of people who turn away from Him, becoming bitter and alone. Anger with God is not the worst outcome. Walking away from Him is. Isn't any relationship worth investing in, fighting for?

 Why be silent with God when it matters most, when you need to vent your hurt and tell Him how you feel? 

Will you give Him no chance to explain or comfort you in your time of need?