Painted Faces - the masks people wear

And Jesus speaks...

    A memory hits and I cry. A cry within me of heartbreak as tears roll down my cheeks. A primeval heart-cry. "Why did no-one rescue me? Why was I so alone? Why was I able to hide it all so well that I was not found out?" A need in me reaches forward from the past, calling me back, calling my name. How do I do this then?

    Only God can numb the pain, don't you see? He alone is love, perfect love. He also reaches to me from the past. Always He was there, He alone knew my truth even when I hid it so well that I didn't know it myself. How can that be?

But His desire isn't just to numb your pain but to heal it. Will you let Him?

     Even healing can come with a price. Maybe being hurt serves a purpose for you? Do you feel loved and looked after in a way you won't be once you're healed? Does it give you attention you will miss? Has it become a safety net for you? Or is it simply all you've ever known and losing even that is frightening? Will you become slave to a victim spirit operating in your life? Don't be offended by this. Change is always frightening – more for some people than others. It can be hard to let go of all you've ever known. It's not something to be ashamed of. But it can be very real. And it may need to be prayed off your life.

Will you trust Jesus to heal you and give you all He's promised? Will you reach out your hand and take His?

    It's cold outside – and dark. I'm trying to hide while they look for me; I peer out from behind the bush assessing my chances. Hopeful, but not good. I just need to get to the street then I can run for home. Talking, low voices and they're walking towards me. There's nowhere to go.

They drag me back inside and into the room, unsure how I managed to get past them in the first place but determined I won't again. I am stripped, then my wrists are tied to the wall with my back to the room. I am to be taught a lesson and must never try that on again. I go when they say I can, not before. And today I am to be here for the night. It seems to go on for hours, the rapes; I can't protect or prepare myself from each onslaught as I can't see them coming. I'm crying, silently, tears roll down my cheeks. My legs buckle under me and they hit out, yelling at me to stay standing. I don't want to be here. I don't want this. Then I'm left, still standing, cold, shaking. It's hard to stay upright but I have no choice. Every part of me aches. My mind shuts down, begins to wander.

    It has been a hard journey today since writing the account above of a memory yesterday. My spirit and soul feel heavy, weighed down and desperately alone and sad. I hear whispers in my head of self-doubt, accusation, condemnation, and utter hopelessness. Can I trust my memories are even real? Or are they just self-indulgent and creative? "I've been depressed my whole life" I cry (not really true) - and tried everything to be free but maybe I'm just not meant to be. Sound familiar?

    So, I took a hot shower, tried reading and resting and turned again to God. "Start writing, beloved, and I'll talk with you".

So here I am again, waiting for Him to speak.

    Do you know it's possible for Satan to try stealing even that from you? "Are you sure that's Jesus you're hearing? Why would He speak to you? Haven't you just put words in His mouth?"

   Stand strong and know that God speaks with us every day if we let Him. It's not that you're nothing special; it's that we're all special – equally so. We all mess up, we all fail – and we all succeed sometimes too. He's there for us when we mess up, fail – and succeed! He doesn't just wait until we finally get it right. And neither will He give up on us when we get it wrong or fail to hear Him or accept truth about ourselves.

    And Jesus speaks – reminding me of the longings of my heart, reminding me that not all things are in my control – to fix, change or rebuild. My eyes turn again to heaven – the home of my heart, the place where I belong. Peace and joy are palpable there – no pain, no fear, no decay, tears, or heartbreak. Under the shadow of His wings we can rest, laugh, sing, worship, work, and commune. We are safe. There is no strife. No violence. No crime or competition or threat. Light radiates everywhere – pure and white. A river of crystal-clear water flows – no pulses – from the throne of God. It is life itself and I could gaze at it forever.

Jesus speaks to my heart of His love, His peace, His timing. Just as He whispered, "you have Me, too, beloved"