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₊˚.༄ ｡𝐼'𝑚 𝐿𝑜𝑠𝑡-🎀🥟‧₊˚

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— "However difficult life
may seem, there is always
something you can do
and succeed at."

[ Stephen Hawking ]
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• This is just gonna be a blahblah chapter. You don't have to read it tho. Just me brabbling stuff. •

🌱 I'm listening to The Rose right now while writing all of these things down. I don't know, it kinda helps me to write certain things down. I really suck at expressing how I feel. Especially with words. Or in general. I became such a pro at hiding how I truly feel that I start to believe my own lies.

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🌱 I think first and for most it's save to say that I AM NOT OKAY. I'm back in a really horrible state. I'm just crying all day and night. It doesn't even have to be because of a specific reason. Small things are enough already to make me cry. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I'm this weak and let my feelings take over. I know I'm better than that.

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🌱 Sometimes we just have to let things happen, let our emotions take over and just let it out all at once. Just let go.

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🌱 I know that many many people have it worse all around the globe and that I should be thankful for what I have, but...what am I exactly thankful for? Why do I have to be thankful?

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🌱 Do I have to be thankful for all the bad that happens to me? Do I have to be thankful for all the people that broke me? Do I have to be thankful that live decided to torture me? Do I have to be thankful that I never experienced true happiness or love? Do I have to be thankful that I got physically and mentally abused? Do I have to be thankful that I wanted to end my life? What exactly do I have to be thankful for?

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🌱 People that don't know me well always tell me that I shouldn't act the way I act, tell me that I should just stop the bullshit. I think they would all shut up once they have walked the path that I've walked. I don't think that anyone would actually be alive if they went through the things I went through. I don't even know myself how I'm still alive, how I'm still breathing. And don't come at me with the "that's because you are strong" crap. I'm not strong. I'm far away feom being strong. I'm broken. I've been torn into pieces. And yet people still like to step on me.

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🌱 It's always funny how everyone acts like I'm doing this all for fun. Like sure, I woke up one day and decided that I want to be depressed, not feel happiness, get abused & want to end my life. Cuz you know, I don't have any other hobbies. People like this, I wanna smack them left & right into their dumb faces.

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🌱 Maybe I feel those things stronger at the moment because of the whole divorcing crap that is going on with my parents and the fact that a really sad day is coming up soon. The second death day of my twins.

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🌱 Acting like everything is okay, everything is fine is just so tiring. I'm tired. Tired of pretending that everything is okay, pretending to be alright. I'm exhausted. I keep pushing myself each day to keep going but for what? Why am I still going? Just to suffer any more?

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🌱 I don't have the strength anymore to get up in the morning, don't have the strength to cook a meal and eat properly. Don't feel the need to put effort into how I dress or look. I literally look like I already died several times.

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🌱 It took me a really long time to realize that it's fine to not be okay. That it's okay to show emotions. That it's okay to have bad days. That it's okay to not have motivation. That it's okay to be HUMAN.

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🌱 There's this little flickering light in the darkness that keeps me going. A little light that keeps me from completely losing myself. Sometimes I wake up and I wonder; who am I? Who was I supposed to be? It's hard finding your way back when you don't even know anymore why you do what you do. When you don't have a purpose. And just living is not really a purpose. That's what we all do. Everyone is living somehow. Some just better than others.

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🌱 Also, don't come and tell me that things will get better next or the following year. People always tell me that and then it just gets worse and worse even tho I have hopes that I'll get at least 1 good week in a new year. But I guess that's just something I'm not supposed to have or supposed to experience.

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🌱 I'm always good at giving others advice, be there for others, help others. I always make sure everyone is doing fine and okay and had a good day and then when the day is almost over I sit down and I'm like "now i can get the last 5 min of the day for myself." Funny how everyone always say I'm selfish and ignorant. Is that what selfish people do? Put others first? Not taking care of yourself?

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🌱 Also, I don't ever talk to people about these kind of things because a) it's hella annoying and b) I don't wanna bother them with my problems.

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🌱 I said once that it's okay if I'm gonna suffer for the rest of my life, be sad forever. As long as I can help others find happiness. Maybe that's my purpose? Be that guardian angel for others and catch them before they fall?

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🌱 You know, not all heros wear capes, and not all angels have wings. Sometimes they're just a broken soul trying to give others what they couldn't have themselves.

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