Kingdom of Scourge and Shadow (The Sightstone Series #1)

Chapter Thirty: Natalie

"Anyone who says that criminals have no friends is a liar. When things go well, criminals have all the friends in the world."

-Unknown, Secrets of the Streets

***

In the days leading up to the heist, after her confession and breakdown in Jan's office, Natalie found herself again struggling to sleep. Most nights, she lay awake until dawn broke, tossing and turning, and, on the rare occasions that she managed more than a light doze, the nightmares came, over and over, the same every time.

She dreamed of that day in Odensk, on the city walls, trying to keep the Shan at bay. She dreamed, so many times, of Lord Zima's arrival, of being chased from the base, across the city, along the docks. She dreamed of being huddled in the hold of a Rijkean merchant vessel, praying that the soldiers wouldn't find her. She dreamed of the exhaustion and desperation of her first days in Allerstad, before Zoya found her.

But, most of all, she dreamed of Aleksei.

She dreamed of his wide, callused hands, his kisses, his eyes, sparkling with good humor. She dreamed of their time in Odensk, how he'd always known how to make her laugh. She dreamed of seeing him again at Emissary Harbor, of the distance that had sprung up between him. And Zoya's words, her voice cutting through whatever dream she had. He has secrets of his own, she'd said. He has secrets of his own.

There was no relief in her waking hours. Zoya's words haunted her, and the guilt that telling them her story had brought her never eased. She knew Aleksei had probably already heard the stories, was probably wondering why she hadn't said anything. But, deep down, a little, ugly part of her was terrified of what he'd think of her if she told him the truth. She was worried that he'd think less of her, but, most of all, she was scared that he'd come to fear her when he learned what she was capable of.

"Oh, for Saints' sake!" Zoya finally cried, after Natalie complained about being unable to sleep for the fifth day in a row. "Just go talk to him, or I swear to God, I'll tell him for you."

Natalie winced, the headache that had plagued her all day worsening. They were, like most evenings, gathered in Jan's office, plotting, and, when Natalie had yawned for the fourth time in as many minutes, Jan had thrown up his hands in dismay and asked why she was so tired.

"You know, as much as I hate to say it," Max ventured hesitantly. "I think Zoya's right."

"As much as you hate to say it?" Zoya drawled, glaring daggers. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Max ignored her. "You need to talk to him," he said, cajoling. "For our sake, if not yours. If you're this tired when we're trying to break into an embassy, we're all screwed."

Zoya snorted, a sound of pure exasperation, and Natalie couldn't tell if it was because she was annoyed with Max or because she agreed with him. Max seemed to think the latter, because he arched an eyebrow as if to say See?

Natalie buried her head in her hands. "You don't understand," she said plaintively.

"So, enlighten us," Zoya snapped.

Natalie felt her eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. "You heard what I did," she said, her voice breaking. "What I can do. And it scared you."

"It didn't..." Max began, but Natalie cut him off.

"It did," she snapped. "You've been walking on eggshells around me ever since, both you and Zoya. The only person who's acting the same is Jan, and that's only because he's never afraid of the things that should scare him."