Freedom Of Thought.

Lack Of Belief In Self (ED)

Its the first day of the year,
Everyone seems to be on full gear, in high
spirits,
Ready to take on the world having left the
past behind,
With all these these new resolutions, new
goals, new dreams.
On this same first day of the year, my
heart is filled with fear and much of it for
that matter,
I feel lost and its more than just a feeling –
I am lost.
Yes, I have dreams too but its like I’m
walking away from them,
I want to leave the past behind me but the
past has no desire to be history,
They say the first days define how the rest
will be,
If thats true, I am doomed!
I am alone in this dark place, forgotten,
I carry on with my life, invisible,
Repeating these motions day after day,
I’m hopeless,
Indeed I am, considering all that has
happened thus far,
Hope is such a bleek myth to me right now,
It doesn’t come like much of a surprise, it’s
almost like I expected it,
Over and over they play in my mind, these
past few days,
Not in one of the plays is there a perfect
moment,
It’s like I’m getting a second chance yet I
haven’t even had a first impression,
My head keeps pounding in fear and
anguish,
There should’ve been a way out,
But silly me, too focused on the blind side
to notice it,
‘Will this ever end?’ I ask myself,
I think my mind is playing tricks on me, I
think this is one of those mirage phases,
Or is it really? They never last that long,
Even they disappear when the dark sets in,
I’m in total darkness, I have been since the
start,
Yet mine still is there,
This has got to be my reality, my fate,
It’s something I have to come to terms with
and deal with,
I’m so feeble in spirit though, can I really?
Can I live with the pain and the hurt?
Do I have the strength to feign happiness
to evade all the piercing questions?
Will I get used to this fate that I’ve been
sentenced to for life?
Shall my sins follow me for the rest of my
days?
What have I brought upon myself,
I’m hopelessly in, I’m hoping to win,
Not in a game, I’m talking a heart or
maybe ten,
Where are my friends? Are they all gone
again?
This is not happening, it can’t be, I
promised myself it wouldn’t,
I wouldn’t go down this road,
It’s something I should have outgrown,
Leaving me to wonder, when will I ever?
Or will I ever at all?
….. (I don’t know what else to add)
At this point I just don’t know what else to
add,
I’ll strangle my mind and come up with
nothing, it’s pointless,
In dismay I look over my shoulder, as if to
look at the past few days,
Confused and drawn out I stand, and yes,
I don’t see a chance.