Freedom Of Thought.

My Final Moments

I used to blame my problems on other

people but my moment of clarity, if you

want to call it that, came when I was

looking in the mirror one day and just burst

into tears. It wasn’t just that I looked bad,

it was that I knew my problem was me, it

always has been, I don’t know why it took

me so long to figure that out. Maybe it’s

because it was a relief not to carry the

blame all the time. Maybe I just got tired

of being the one put down for mistakes.

Truth is, I never saw the magitude of it

till just now. I could never accept the

reality. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but

it sometimes feels like everyone focuses on

just mine. That feeling isn’t one anyone

should have to experience, I learnt the

hard way. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, it

never was my intention. As stupid as I

might have been, or still might be, I hope

whoever got hurt as a result of my deeds

would have it in them to offer me

forgiveness. I present my apologies in these

words. Words might ruin everything but I

hope these ones were said at a time

appropriate to you. I was blinded by human

desires, how foolish of me. I lost track of

time. The world can be ruthless at times,

but that’s how it goes, not everything turns

out great. I took it upon myself to reteliate

in ways I knew best. I became lonely in

the process, clingy too. I lost the chance to

love and now I have no more love in me. I

lost the chance to have a proper beginning

or end, I lost the opportunity to be a friend.

I became a self made slave and didn’t know

how to unshackle myself; I still don’t. I

know I need help but who can offer me

that help now? I’ve shattered every other

person I’ve met, I’ve burned all the bridges

that could link us. I wish there was a way

to get rid of myself and let everyone else

have their happy ending. I can’t stop

thinking about it every single day. Maybe

my absence is what the world needs. I

should finally put up a white flag and paint

a bulls eye right over my heart; it has

become like one made of stone. I look at

my life and wonder, “how did I get this

far?” I might be damn beyond repair.

Without any family and friends, this is

even worse. Without trust it turns

depressing. I can’t confide in anyone, I just

have to go through it alone. Now, now, I

am tired, I give it a rest. I have cried

myself to sleep long enough, I might get

dehydrated if I do it any longer. I put my

hands up now, I surrender to the world.

Take me away, do to me what I did to

you, I deserve it – I deserve to die. I

can’t stand hurting anyone anymore. I can’t

stand hurting God anymore. I mean, look

at me, I’m a million miles away from him

right now. Half the things I do he can’t

comprehend. He saw me get here, he saw

me look the other way when he warned

me, he saw me dying inside. I had

distanced myself so much and so outright

that he couldn’t get to me. These words are

crushing down my head, this light turns to

darkness. I’m falling and there’s noone to

catch me. I’d say everything will be alright

but it won’t and I know it. I’m already six

feet under in spirit. If I could just get a

chance to make it right and get out while it

is, I would not flinch. An abyss wouldn’t be

prison enough for the monster within me. I

never thought I would get to this point, I

never thought I would want out this much.

All blame on me, I don’t hold it against

you, I brought it upon myself. Even if I

am right, just place the blame on me. You

don’t need me no more. I’m restless, I don’t

know why. I must have either forgotten

what I’ve been through or remember it so

vivid. This time I see the truth, you have

had enough. You can’t say it because you’re

nice, you’re scared, you’re human, but you

have had enough. I set you free from all

the pain I have caused you. I am leaving

you tonight so you won’t have to feel this

way yet another day. You should see a

brighter day, one day if not today. You

shouldn’t see me again or have to be with

me. This – this should be my last, my final

good byes. I hope they’re good to you. As I

lay my soul to rest and get rid of it, I hope

you keep yours in a good state. Be what I
never was, do the good I didn’t. Be safe
and take care – be good.