I used to blame my problems on other
people but my moment of clarity, if you
want to call it that, came when I was
looking in the mirror one day and just burst
into tears. It wasn’t just that I looked bad,
it was that I knew my problem was me, it
always has been, I don’t know why it took
me so long to figure that out. Maybe it’s
because it was a relief not to carry the
blame all the time. Maybe I just got tired
of being the one put down for mistakes.
Truth is, I never saw the magitude of it
till just now. I could never accept the
reality. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but
it sometimes feels like everyone focuses on
just mine. That feeling isn’t one anyone
should have to experience, I learnt the
hard way. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, it
never was my intention. As stupid as I
might have been, or still might be, I hope
whoever got hurt as a result of my deeds
would have it in them to offer me
forgiveness. I present my apologies in these
words. Words might ruin everything but I
hope these ones were said at a time
appropriate to you. I was blinded by human
desires, how foolish of me. I lost track of
time. The world can be ruthless at times,
but that’s how it goes, not everything turns
out great. I took it upon myself to reteliate
in ways I knew best. I became lonely in
the process, clingy too. I lost the chance to
love and now I have no more love in me. I
lost the chance to have a proper beginning
or end, I lost the opportunity to be a friend.
I became a self made slave and didn’t know
how to unshackle myself; I still don’t. I
know I need help but who can offer me
that help now? I’ve shattered every other
person I’ve met, I’ve burned all the bridges
that could link us. I wish there was a way
to get rid of myself and let everyone else
have their happy ending. I can’t stop
thinking about it every single day. Maybe
my absence is what the world needs. I
should finally put up a white flag and paint
a bulls eye right over my heart; it has
become like one made of stone. I look at
my life and wonder, “how did I get this
far?” I might be damn beyond repair.
Without any family and friends, this is
even worse. Without trust it turns
depressing. I can’t confide in anyone, I just
have to go through it alone. Now, now, I
am tired, I give it a rest. I have cried
myself to sleep long enough, I might get
dehydrated if I do it any longer. I put my
hands up now, I surrender to the world.
Take me away, do to me what I did to
you, I deserve it – I deserve to die. I
can’t stand hurting anyone anymore. I can’t
stand hurting God anymore. I mean, look
at me, I’m a million miles away from him
right now. Half the things I do he can’t
comprehend. He saw me get here, he saw
me look the other way when he warned
me, he saw me dying inside. I had
distanced myself so much and so outright
that he couldn’t get to me. These words are
crushing down my head, this light turns to
darkness. I’m falling and there’s noone to
catch me. I’d say everything will be alright
but it won’t and I know it. I’m already six
feet under in spirit. If I could just get a
chance to make it right and get out while it
is, I would not flinch. An abyss wouldn’t be
prison enough for the monster within me. I
never thought I would get to this point, I
never thought I would want out this much.
All blame on me, I don’t hold it against
you, I brought it upon myself. Even if I
am right, just place the blame on me. You
don’t need me no more. I’m restless, I don’t
know why. I must have either forgotten
what I’ve been through or remember it so
vivid. This time I see the truth, you have
had enough. You can’t say it because you’re
nice, you’re scared, you’re human, but you
have had enough. I set you free from all
the pain I have caused you. I am leaving
you tonight so you won’t have to feel this
way yet another day. You should see a
brighter day, one day if not today. You
shouldn’t see me again or have to be with
me. This – this should be my last, my final
good byes. I hope they’re good to you. As I
lay my soul to rest and get rid of it, I hope
you keep yours in a good state. Be what I
never was, do the good I didn’t. Be safe
and take care – be good.
YOU ARE READING
Freedom Of Thought.
PoesíaIf my thoughts were a pen and my hands were the canvas, even I would not fully get the sense of it.