Let Go

5: If I'm There

Harken's pov:

Amanda Red held up the makeup concealer.

"Why do I have to wear it, mom?" I asked. I called her mom because back then I thought she was my mom. Amanda Red was a lot of things, but a mom she wasn't.

"Because the students at school will make fun of you," she replied coldly as she applied makeup to my lighter patches.

I highly doubted students would make fun of me. I was stronger than them. If anything, students at school feared me.

I hated applying make up to hide my skin. I wasn't ashamed of it. It was how I was born, and I shouldn't hide the way I am just because people would look at me differently.

Then I thought of Aiden Haile. If anything, Aiden was a reason why I went with what Amanda wanted.

It wasn't that Aiden picked on me, or intimidated me. Aiden barely knew I existed.

We shared one class only. I didn't mind that we didn't have many classes in common. I didn't have the courage to talk to Aiden, and more classes meant more chances of having to talk to him. Or worse, pair up with him for a project.

"There you go," she finished hiding me behind fake colours so I looked like everybody else.

I was barely fourteen, and I couldn't argue with a stern woman like her. I respected my "mom" after all.

"Don't get into trouble," She added, to which I nodded. "Stay with your brother," I nodded again. Blake and trouble were synonyms. If only I had known he wasn't my brother then. I could've saved myself so much pain. But what did I know?

School was boring. I didn't do well in a lot of subjects, and not because I was dumb. I just didn't study, and I knew I would regret it later on.

But what did I know?
What did I ever know?

If I had known I'd be dying in a hospital bed I would've killed myself long before I'd lay a hand on Aiden.

One of Amanda's chauffeurs dropped us at school. Hilltown High was huge, but everyone knew who we were.

You can't easily fade out when you're a Red. Rumors had it that the founders of the school are Reds, and hence our mascot was the Red Devil.

Everyone on the football team was called a Red Devil.

We were a big thing around school, and Amanda knew that. She kept tabs on our school performance, and made sure we were watched. Our chauffeur waited all day in the school's parking lot. Just there, waiting for us to finish school.

Eventually I figured out why, but what did I know?

The Haile twins were standing in the hallway. They were identical, but I could recognise Aiden from a thousand copies. He stood differently. He smiled differently. He looked at me differently, and that was all I needed to see.

Blake looked at Raiden like he was a meal, and not in a good way. He was the biggest homophobe I knew, which is why I never came out to him. He was my brother, but deep down I knew that Blake would throw me out of a window if he knew I were gay.

I never acted upon my feelings to anyone, but Aiden made it hard for me not to do so.

I wanted to go up to him and straight up kiss him. I never did that.

I was a kid, just like every other at school. I had dreams and I had crushes. I wanted to sweep my favourite boy off his feet, and wanted my favourite boy to sweep me off mine.

But I had to act tough. I had to hide my feelings, like I had to hide my skin. If only it was as easy.

I briefly wondered if Aiden would even think of me that way. I thought he could be straight. Or maybe bisexual or pansexual or whatever it was that would lead him to me. He could be not interested in me for all I knew. But what did I know?

My surprise came when Aiden joined the team and became a Red Devil.

It was life's way of testing me. The person I couldn't resist had to share the football field with me. The gym sessions and the locker room. I didn't know if I was scared of my feelings or of my "brother".

Then Blake started secretly dating Raiden, and my whole world was rocked. Of all the people in school, he chose Raiden. What were the odds of Aiden's twin to be gay and date Blake?

I couldn't trust Blake, that was for sure. Even back then, when I thought he was my brother, I knew he weren't up to anything good.

I kept too many of his secrets to count, and I had a feeling Raiden was going to be one of too many secrets.

I remembered that day very clearly. It wasn't a vague memory in my brain; it felt like I was reliving it from a third person point of view.

School had finished, but I was held up in the library cramming for a test I didn't study for.

Call it luck or call it a coincidence, stars aligning, whatever. Aiden was there, and that was all I cared about. He looked lost in his notes. Frustration was visible on his face.

Oh the things I could've done. The words I could've said.

I could take him on a road
led by a map of stars
a constellation of our bodies
and a dark night sky
ecstasy in every move we made
my heart beat twice as fast
my brain catching up at last
"I'll show you care,
and I'll take you dancing,"
hands tied with ropes of dread
but emotions broke free
"We'll be ethereal, we'll be cosmic"
We'd drain the life out of every room
But I knew whatever we'd have
Would end in doom
I was hard to love
And he was harder to obtain
We'd be long gone
Drenched in our regrets
Like a kiss in the rain

Our eyes met for a second, and suddenly we were alone together. I didn't know what I was expecting, but him approaching me was not one of them.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" He asked sheepishly. I didn't decline. I wanted him to sit with me. I wanted him to know I existed. I wanted him to see me, all of me, and not the facade I put out for people. The makeup I hid behind, and not just my skin's.

"Sure thing," I said. He went on and grabbed his notes and moved to the table I was sitting on.

He didn't introduce himself. "I've seen you at the tryouts for the team, Red, right?"

"Yes," I replied curtly. That was who I was; Red.

"I take it you're not much of a talker?" the more he talked the more I listened, and the less I talked. Aiden's direct personality was enough for both of us.

I simply shook my head.

"It's okay, my brother is the same." Then he went back to working on his notes and I went back to focusing on him rather than my schoolwork.

Oh, Aiden, I wish I had told you about all the thoughts swirling in my head. If only I could repeat that day.

I would've told you that no, Aiden, you couldn't sit with me because I'd hurt you in the end.

A/N: like I promised, faster updates! I'll try write the next chapter as soon as possible. Vote if you liked it and comment your opinion.

More soon x.