Dani's POV
"Heeeey!" Rachel sang when she entered the house. I was so thankful for seeing her, I couldn't stand being alone for another second.
"Shh," I signed her to be quiet since Dylan was sleeping. "Hey," I giggled accepting her hug.
"Long time no see," She said. That was true. We almost didn't meet since Dylan was born.
We pulled away from the hug and she stepped back to look at me. I felt like she was examining me and I couldn't help but feel really self conscious.
"Wow, you lost the baby weight pretty quick!" She giggled placing her bags on the floor. I tried to smile back but it was too forced and I think she noticed. "Oh my gosh Dani..." she whispered. I just couldn't look at the disappointed in her eyes, I'm so stupid. "Please tell me it was done in a healthy way." she whispered.
"I-I'm sorry Rachel," I couldn't hold my tears anymore and burst out crying. "I just-"
"Shh.." She pulled me back to her embrace. "Dani..." She sighed shaking her head. I knew it, now my best friend is disappointed at me too. "Why?"
"I-I just felt s-so fat, Rachel. I couldn't stand it." I cried while she hugged me tighter. "I'm sorry..."
"Does Santana know?" She asked pulling away to wipe away my tears. I slowly shook my head looking down, I can't look her in the eyes. "Dani, I have to tell her."
"No!" I panicked. "No! Rachel please no! You can't tell her! I'm fine, really! It was a one time thing I'm not gonna do this again please just don't tell her!"
"Dani she has to know." She stated, her voice a bit shaky in the end. I could see she's holding in tears. Great, I made my best friend cry because I was so stupid. "She's going to help you, Dani. You know she is not going to judge you."
I nodded although I wasn't 100% sure it was true anymore. I was okay, I was fine. I was completely okay even without medication but I ruined it. I didn't mean to go back to those habits.. It was a one time thing I swear. I just felt so fat, I couldn't stand it any longer.
She took my arm to pull me over the couch. She brushed her thumb over my wrist and I know she was trying to feel any cuts. But I didn't cut. She didn't feel a thing but old scars.
"I'm going to tell her." She stated after we sat together.
"No, Rachel you can't." I resisted shaking my head. "At least not now! She has too much on her mind at the moment, she doesn't need to know."
"Dani she is your wife! You can't keep this away from her! She cares about you more than you can possibly imagine, she wants you in your best, she wants you healthy. We all do..."
"She is going to leave me!" I finally let it out. I started shaking and crying badly. Rachel didn't react, it looked like she was shocked.
"What?" She asked in disbelief.
"S-she's going to l-leave m-me." I repeated. "I'm too much to handle! No matter what I do or how many time is passes, I just can't get better! I'm sick! I'm crazy! I don't want to ruin her life anymore than I already did."
"Dani you are speaking nonsense!" She shook her head. "She is not going to leave you! She's-"
"You can't promise me that." I cut her off. She sighed, she didn't have anything else to say. "I knew it. You can't."
"I'm sure she won't." She immediately said but this isn't enough for me.
We were both distracted from a soft baby cry. Rachel looked at me and I sighed before getting up from the couch and rushing toward his room.
I was scared to pick him up. He hates me, he honestly is. San says he won't calm down in my arms because he feels how stressed I am. Now I'm too crazy to hold my own son.
He opened his little eyes and looked at me while he was still crying. I wanted to hold him so bad until he stops crying, but I'm scared to only make it worse. He started crying even more when he looked at me, his little tiny fist and legs are waving in the air.
"Okay," I said to myself before I bent down to pick him up. I can't just leave him there. I tried to put a little smile on, maybe it will make him feel better. Maybe it will make me feel a little better. You know, fake it until you make it.
I picked him up and placed him in my arms. He just turned two months old, he's so tiny and fragile. What if I hurt him? No, I can't think like that. I immediately put that stupid fake smile again before looking down at him trying to calm him down.
I love looking at him. It makes me better. He is the son I always wanted. He is the baby I carried for 9 months. He is San and I's love.
He slowly calmed down and started at me with his big brown eyes. he's bottom lip was quivering but he didn't cry. I reached my finger to his soft and chubby cheeks to wipe away the tears and he immediately grabbed my finger with his small fist.
I couldn't help but smile big and release a little giggle. "Hey," I said down to him while he looked at me. He's soft grip around my finger tightened while his other hand started playing with it. I kissed the top of his head, hoping he won't cry again, before taking him back with me toward the living room, where Rachel was.
"Hello handsome." She giggled when I sat back next to her on the couch. She saw him maybe twice in her life. When he was born and a few days after it. Better to make Dylan comfortable around her because she is going to be here a lot. She's his aunt, theoretically.
"Can I hold him?" She asked looking at me with pleading eyes.
"Umm... sure." I agreed. I was scared he might cry again and that I won't be able to calm him down again, but he seems fine now, we can try.
I slowly passed her my son, being careful on his tiny little blonde head, until he was perfectly soothed in her arms. His big brown eyes explored Rachel while she caressed his little head. "Hey there little guy," she giggled, "I'm aunt Rachel, I don't think we really met." She said. "You know, you look just like your two mommies, a perfect combination," she said looking up at me with a small smirk. "No wonders you are such a handsome little boy."
