Dani's POV
The whole walk was silent but it was somehow comforting. I wasn't in the mood for talking and San realized that pretty quick after a few attempts of her trying to start some small talks. She had her hand on my back while we walked through the busy streets of New York.
My mind was killing me and I can't tell why.. I wasn't overthinking or hearing those voices again, I just had this big mess in my mind. Everything seemed messy and it made me feel sick, I felt stressed and panicked and I'm not even sure why.
I decided to concentrate on my breathing to distracts myself and to calm myself down before this turns into another panic attack.
"Are you alright?" San asked slipping her hand down from the small of my back to hold my hand. She gave it a small squeeze.
"Mhm," I nodded taking another deep breath.
"Well, we're here." She said. I lifted my head from the ground that just now I noticed was no longer a sidewalk but grass. I looked up and suddenly I started crying, for no reason. I haven't been here for years.
"Hey.." San pulled my head to her chest wrapping her arms around me. "I'm sorry, don't cry beautiful.. Do you want us to go?". I shook my head while it was still pinned to her shirt that soaked all of my tears. "Why are you crying beautiful?" She pulled away to look at me.
"I-I don't k-know." I hiccuped while she wiped my tears. "I'm sorry.. I don't know what's up with me today."
"That's alright," She smiled softly at me, placing her soft hand on my cheek. "Come here..." She pulled me back into her embrace.
We pulled away and she set up the blanket for us. She made me sit and after she set up the food she sat next to me, both of us facing toward the beautiful lake in front of us.
"I haven't been here in years." I mumbled while she offered me a sandwich that I politely refused to, I wasn't in the mood for eating.
"Do you want us to go?" She seriously asked looking me deep in eyes. She knew this place brought me back so many memories. I shook my head no.
"I'm good." I smiled weakly at her.
"This is where we had our first kiss." She giggled snuggling into my side. "Well, our first real one." She said referring to this one kiss I gave her the day we met, the one that made me fall in love with her but also hate myself. "You told me everything in here." she said.
I did, and until today I'm not sure how I managed to do so. She was a complete stranger to me back then, well, a stranger that stole my heart. I told her things I never told anyone else before, I told her my deepest secrets and she somehow managed to love me back and stick around with me for 3 years.
"Baby are you still crying?" San snapped me out of my thoughts. I sniffed as a response. I didn't even realized I was crying again. She scooted over me and wrapped her arms around me leaving a kiss on my forehead. "Baby, I'm not leaving you like this." she stated. I immediately regretted for crying and making such drama.
"No, no." I pulled away quickly wiping my tears. Don't get me wrong, of course I don't want her to leave me, I want her by my side. But she needs to go, I will be fine without her, her abuela needs her more than I do. "I'm fine." I said nodding to myself. "I'm just a little emotional today, I don't know..." I giggled trying to hide my tears with a smile.
"Baby, look at you. I was just trying to cheer you up a bit and I made you cry. You're obviously not in your best, I can't leave you like this."
"Only for two days San." I reminded her, "I will be okay, I already talked to Rach, she and maybe Brody too will be staying with Dylan and I, and I have Elena right across the street, and the boys just two blocks away. I will be alright."
"Okay," she sighed shaking her head, "So can we please forget about everything for a moment, wipe the tears," she said wiping away my tears, "and have fun?"
"Mhm." I nodded. She leaned over to press her lips to mine and very quickly the kiss got heated. We were alone so we didn't care but soon her hand started to roam my body and I tensed. I slowly and gently pushed her hand away with our lips still press together. She didn't insisted and kept her hand away from me till we pulled away gasping for air.
She's my wife, I feel bad doing this to her, but lately I just can't stand the feeling of being touched. I feel disgusting and... I feel fat. I know, I just had a baby, but it doesn't ease my feelings anymore. I just feel bad in my own body again.
"I'm sorry," San said after we both gasped for air, "I didn't meant to..."
"It's okay." I smiled at her. I sent her so many fake smiles today, I hate doing this to her. I leaned forward to peck her lips one more time before I took out a sandwich from the basket and put it in her mouth. She wasn't expecting it and her reaction made me laugh.
"I missed this laugh so bad!" She said out loud placing both of her hands on my cheeks and pulling my face to her till out foreheads met. "I love you Dani."
"I love you too," I whispered before she pecked my lips one more time.
-
"Are you sure you got everything you need?" I asked San while I paced behind her all around the house the next day.
"Yeah babe," She laughed, turning around to peck my lips, then she took her suitcases and headed toward the door. "Where's Berry? I'm gonna be late because of her."
"You don't have to wait for her." I laughed, "I will be fine... It's just for 10 minutes."
"I don't want to leave you all alone..." she said.
"I'm not alone, I have Dylan." I giggled nodding toward his room where he slept peacefully. "Go, you will be late."
"Alright," she sighed pressing our lips together. "I will call you when I get there. Please just talk to me if something happens, or you're not feeling well, of you're just sad, or if Dylan is-"
"I got it." I laughed pulling her to a hug. "I'm okay and I will be okay." I lied. And she probably knows that I lied. With everyday that passes I just feel worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so miserable and I hate that feeling, I feel so lost.
"Did you take your meds?" She asked. I nodded in response. How could I forget after those 4 therapy sessions and my shitty feeling? "Good."
"San you're gonna miss your flight." I reminded her since it was getting too late.
"Shit, you're right." She panicked pecking my lips one last time, taking her suitcase and disappearing behind the door.
Great, now I'm alone, and it scares me.
