Lights Out

Week Off

Monday 10th May.
The taxi dropped us off late at Lando's house. I was tired, and so was he, and as much as we tried being quiet going into the house, I tripped on shoes that were laying in the middle of the hallway and fell over. I groaned, having landed hard on my right knee and both of my hands.
"Are you okay?" Lando whispered.
"Ow."
The lights turned on upstairs and Max leant on the landing handrail, looking down at both of us.
"Are you alright?"
"Yep."
"After this weekend as well, I mean," he added. I'd had a big shunt into the barriers mid-race and not finished as a result. It hurt quite a bit, not only because of the force of hitting the barriers but also because the shunt was caused by a cramp that knocked the breath out of me. Getting back to the pits, I'd discovered that the reason for the cramp was my body finally expelling the last of the matter that was growing in my uterus before. I'd cried a lot, and spent most of the rest of the day in relative silence, as well as the plane ride back to England, and the journey on the taxi.
"Yeah. I'm alright," I answered. Max came downstairs and hugged me. "You're going to make me cry again," I croaked.
"She cried a bit on the flight," Lando told his friend.
"We're here for you," Max said, rubbing my back comfortingly and causing me to sink further into the hug and let out a sob. I felt Lando joining in on the hug as I let the tears fall freely from my eyes once again.
"I just want everything to be fine," I sniffed.
"Well, think of all of the plans we have," Lando said. "You're filming a Quadrant video with us, and you're going to see Katie to get your bridesmaid dress fitted, and you're going to see your dad, and, the most exciting thing, you're going round Harry's house."
"Apartment," I corrected.
"Still counts."
"Oh God," I groaned, pulling out of the hug. "There's a triple header after Baku. And France, God, why, the most boring fucking circuit, and then the Red Bull Ring...twice. Do you know how many PR things I have to do! Too many! They're making me dress up in traditional Austrian clothing again! God, why didn't I just take the fucking move to McLaren, goddamn, bro."
The boys laughed and I rubbed my face.
"I want to go to sleep," I said.
"That'd probably be a good idea."
"Yes, it would."

Tuesday 11th May.
I had a lie in the next day until 10 o'clock before going on a run and working out with Lando and Jon. I was definitely happy afterwards when I stood under the hot sprays of water coming from the shower and let all of the sweat and muscle tension run off me. Afterwards, we filmed a Quadrant video and we all had a good laugh talking about various inside jokes and funny things that happened around the Paddock. It was nice speaking to all of them, but my social energy ran out halfway through and no matter how well I kept up the mask, Max and Lando noticed.
"Are you alright?" Lando asked, turning to me after turning the camera and mic off for the day.
"Yeah, I'm good," I sighed. "I'm tired, and I'm achy, and yeah. I don't know whether I can face dad, if I'm honest. I know it sounds horrible. I haven't seen him in ages and I do really want to see him, but all that's on my mind right now is the miscarriage and Harry and pressure from Red Bull." My eyes widened as I realised I probably shouldn't have mentioned the last bit.
"Are they causing you trouble?" Max asked.
"No, it's just me wanting to do better than everybody else."
"But that's not pressure from Red Bull," Lando said slowly, "that's pressure from yourself. Jessie, spill."
I sighed.
"I almost got fired by Christian because of the pregnancy but because it wasn't mentioned in my contract that I couldn't get pregnant, I got my lawyers on it under Dan's advice and he reinstated the contract. If I fuck up at all this season like I did last race, I'm gone. I'll be like Pierre or Alex, and I don't want that to happen. I-, I worked so hard to get here and now I need to perform to show everyone that a woman can handle this kind of pressure just as well as a man can. And Jesus Christ, God forbid the media get a hold on the fact that I was pregnant and then had a miscarriage, there's be absolute carnage. If people didn't like me before, they definitely won't like me after that. I can't lose my seat. I have nowhere else to go. And dad can read me like a book most times and although he doesn't pressure me to tell him, he'll know that something is seriously heavy on my mind, and I'm scared that this time he'll ask, and I'll break down. I don't want him knowing about my rather unfortunate and depressing sex life that led to an unwanted pregnancy that led to a miscarriage a week before I was supposed to get an abortion."
"He'll understand, Jessie," Lando said, having met my father a few times. "Just call him and say that you're not feeling that great, but you'll catch up with him soon."
"He'll be upset."
"Explain to him that your mental health isn't that good right now. You don't have to tell him the whole truth, but that would be a good start. Just say it's pressure from Red Bull, which it is, and blame it on the race," he reasoned.
"Fine."
"That means you have a free day before seeing Harry. You can relax, put on a face mask, beautify yourself and pack a night bag and some condoms an-"
"LANDO!" I punched his shoulder and he backed away laughing. "You're a dick."
"She's right, you are," Max agreed, slapping his friend lightly round the back of the head and causing him to duck down in response.
"And you two are bullies," he pouted.
"Character building," I fired back.