Lights Out

The Things I Needed.

TW: This chapter contains references to self harm right at the very end.

Friday 18th June.
Listening to Harry's heartbeat as I laid on his chest was calming. I'd slept a good few hours, courtesy of the melatonin sleep tablets that I'd actually remembered to pack this time. I'd woken up forty-five minutes before my alarm, though, and knew it would be stupid of me to go back to sleep. So, I laid there, my head on Harry's chest, listening to his heartbeat and the sound of his steady breathing. He'd started to move about a bit more in the last ten minutes, so I guessed that he was going to wake up soon. But until that time, I was quite content in letting him sleep. Yesterday had been horrible. Aliesha had told us that I'd had a flashback that only my subconscious was reliving at first, and so I only went unresponsive, and that was why I couldn't remember it. The second one was my conscious becoming aware of what my sub-conscious had experienced, and it was played back to me again, which was why it took me three hours to be able to leave the med centre afterwards. The flashback seemed to had lasted forever. When I came to, my body ached like I had just been hit where I was in my flashback, and so it made coming back to reality all the more difficult. I'd thrown up three times, the last time only bile coming up as I had nothing left in my stomach to expel. My throat was still burning from it. I'd not gone on the track walk. I wasn't able to. I literally could not stand up. My body was shaking from head to toe, and I was so scared and paranoid at everything because of how hard the transition back to reality was that I was crying almost all of the time. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't, and it took me a lot of calming down for me to be able to leave. Christian had been told, of course, but wasn't allowed to see me whilst they were calming me down. He'd sent me back to the hotel. Harry had been sent to his hotel early as well, having been in a frenzied panic about me. Nick had called him at some point, and we found him waiting in the hotel lobby for me. He didn't hug me or anything, and was very wary about everything, which I was thankful for. I was still confused about what was real at that point, and him being mindful of boundaries that I hadn't even explicitly set made me feel better when I was no longer confused. Nick made sure I was alright and then left me with Harry. We stayed in, ordering some pizza and eating ice cream whilst sat on the chairs by the small coffee table. I needed a shower, but he stayed in my hotel room just in case I had another flashback or anything, and he had a shower himself whilst I got dressed, he himself getting changed in the bathroom. I felt calm enough by then to snuggle up and watch a film with him. We talked about what happened, going through everything and talking about how we felt about it all, and I felt a lot better afterwards, as did he. He did more yesterday than I ever could've asked him to do, and I was thankful. Guilty that I had put him through it, and I told him as much, but thankful that he helped me. I heard his breathing change beneath me, and I stayed still, curious to see what he'd do if he thought I was still asleep. He yawned, and I heard his head move, presumably to look at the time shown on the alarm clock. Then, very gently, I felt his fingers run through my hair.
"I know you're awake," he said quietly, his voice low from the sleepiness that hadn't yet gone away.
"Good morning," I said, not moving from where I was. I was still listening to his heartbeat.
"How did you sleep?"
"Alright. You?"
"I slept very well. When does your-"
The mechanical shriek of the alarm cut him off, and he reached over to silence it. I took that as my cue to get off his chest and put my head back onto the now cold pillow.
"I was just about to ask when your alarm goes off," he chuckled, before turning to face me and looking into my eyes.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I'm not sure."
"You're not sure?"
"No."
"Well, how about we order room service for breakfast and relax for a bit before starting the day," he proposed.
"I can't. I've got the team breakfast and you've got to get back to your hotel room to get ready. It just doesn't work on race weekends."
He sighed, knowing that I was right.
"Well, how about lunch?"
"I'll be with the team or Nick. And you've got to work when I have my lunch break."
"Dinner?"
"Maybe."
"Okay. Well, I'll leave you to get ready. Call me if you need me, okay?"
"Okay." 
He leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to my lips, spending a couple of seconds there before pulling away. Then, he got up, got dressed in the bathroom, and left.