𝕄𝕒𝕗𝕚𝕒 o̶r̶ n̶o̶t̶

3

This morning I don't wake up because of my alarm, no it's my father calling me! No wait better description of the situation is, he screaming my name through the whole house and letting me sit in my bed. I take a look on my watch and see it's only 05:30 and I could sleep half an hour more, but I choose to go downstairs, before he trys to kill me because I didn't come.

I'm walking down and see my father standing in the floor waiting for me. What is so important,that he has to wake me up at a time like that? I hate this and he knows it! "Good morning father! What is it?", I surely whisper, but he understands. "We have a problem! The guy who wants to make a deal with us, tells me what happend yesterday... Did you lost your mind?!", he starts to scream again. "I'm sorry father...", I only answer, because I can't say something against his opinion without getting beaten. That sounds hard, but it happend just once in the past and not again, I've learned my lesson.

He tells me a predigt about the communication with other leaders and members, what broderhood and familyhood really means and that he expected something else from me. I know I can't really make him proud, already because of the incident 5 years ago. He says it's my fault that mother died and I know this, aslo if Jon says something else. I indirectly killed my mother and will never get over it, I have to live with this fact...

"Are you even listening?", Jon asks and brings me back in the reality. "Yeah sure...", I only say and walk down the street to go to school. With the wide clothes and my face without make-up no one will recognize me. I go to my locker without getting in trouble, it's a premier. But as I'm standing there I can feel two eyes looking at me, no staring! I turn my head and see Jake. Why he has to look at me that obvious? Can't he just go away or say something stupid like every day? I don't want to have his attention so much! It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Is this maybe his goal? It could be. Don't think about it and go on! You only get confused and make mistakes in playing your role! Calm down and ignore him! You don't want to get in trouble because of childish acting like that! Yeah your absolutely right! I have to go to class!
~
In the big break I walk through the crowd and nobody is seeing me like I wouldn't exist. Sometimes it's really grateful, but today it feels dead, I don't know why. I go to the library to rest my self from the pressure and the people. I sit down on the place next to the window, like ever day and wait there for my best friend. I don't really have to wait for her, because she comes right in time with Tien. Why does she bring him here? "Hey guys!", I only say and look confused to Cloe."He asks to come with me, because he has to ask you something, not my fault", she answers on my not spoken question. I look shyly on the ground and don't want to say something to him, till he begins to talk: "You don't have to play a role! I see that it's wrong what you are doing the whole time! I mean, a nerd would never do so much sport or music only focuse on school and good grades, but ya are not like that. You're only playing this kind of person to hide yourself and I wanna know why...!" I'm shocked! How is that possible? How could he know? He only knows me for a day and realizes it so fast! What if the others also think like that? What if Jake thinks like that? What if anyone tells another person about it? I will be a dead person!

"I can tell you everything, but you have to promise to tell nothing to nobody else, please...", I'm whispering as an answer after a short time of thinking and beeing in my thoughts. What if he hates me? Since when does this matter to you? You are Dark and not a little child anymore! Grow up! Wow that helps me really! Only shut up once! I also have feelings and want to have some friends! But they would be weaknesses and this is not good in our branche! Remember this! Yeah I know... My mother lost her life because of that, because of... me... You're right! I have to be strong! That's the right attitude! Go on like that and you get to your destinations! Thank you for calling me in mind! What would I do without you...? You would be dead... Yeah absolutely dead... That was not what I wanted to hear, but it was honest... thanks.
~
After school Tien and I walk down the street together. My mobile phone rings and I have to look who it is. Jon. Why is he calling me right now? What happend this time? Maybe he found some fights? I have to find out, but then the sound stops and I realize that I didn't pick up. What is wrong with me? "Hey ya can talk with your friends or family. Ya can tell me later, if ya have time with all that learning for school...", he says and let me feel horrible. Why am I lying like that? I don't want to do this, but I can't choose in this case, without getting in real big and dangerous trouble! I hate my life! Why do I have to go on like that? Why I didn't die 5 years ago? The world would be better now...

"Is everything alright?", Tien crashs my thoughts and looks deep into my eyes. Why is he doing that? Doesn't he hate me? I thought he doesn't trust me. What should I say? Should I be honest or tell him another lie? Would he find out? What would he think about me? Do I want to lie my whole life? OMG! I'm so helpless! Why can't I control myself?! Calm down and concentrate yourself!! Focus on your goal and your plan! Play your damn role and don't think about the concequences! You are Alice Bail, Dark the leader of the greatest gang in the world, show you deserve it!! But actually this isn't my place, it's the one of my mother! Why no one understands that?! I'm not her and I can't and wont be her! I will never be like her and don't want to take her place in the world or the gang, because I can't and don't deserve it!

"Ahem... Are ya still on earth or you're gone?", he really wanna have a fist in his face! No I have to calm down and relax myself, before overreacting in a harmless situation like that. "I-I'm sorry... I was in my thoughts..", why am I stuttering in this moment isn't clear for me either. I'm really sorry for that, but I'm only human. "Okaayy...Do you want to open the door or should we go in my room to talk about the reason of the acting?", he asks and brings me out of my way. How does he bring me under so much pressure with this little words? What is going on with me? What is wrong with me? I should meditate more and do some Yoga, maybe that will help...

"No, no... We can go to me... Wait here I only tell my father, that he doesn't freak out seeing you...", I answer, go inside and let him wait infront of the door.
~
After half an hour we are still sitting on my big bed and don't talk about anything, only looking around or on the ground. Should I start the conversation? I don't need an answer on this question, because he clears his throat and gets my whole attention at once. "I know it is difficult for you to speak about it and you are surely thinking in this moment, that we don't really know each other to tell a big secret like that, but you can trust me and I wont tell it anyone else! I just wanna help and understand ya", he tells me and my mouth stands wide open. Why does he shock and supris me so much with his words? Why do I react like that? Should I really tell him the truth? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! And why? Because no one of the normal people should know about it! They surely tell it the police or someone else and then you and your father are dead! You don't want to let this happen... You are right!

"Listen it's really not a big deal just the thing, like you can see, we have a lot of money and I hate it to only be limited on this fact. I wanna have real friends who are near me, because they give me a chance and like me, not because of fame or money. That is everything, nothing more. I know you expected something else, but I'm sorry...", I say after a small break. "Okay and why you didn't say that earlier?", he is still looking deep into my eyes, like he wants to find the lie inside of my soul. I end the eye contact and start to explain the next lie... I hate it so much! "I don't say something, because we don't know each other for so long and I wasn't sure about it. I mean, what if I tell you and you would say it to the next person you meet. It was my fear, but now I know that I can trust you, because you worry about me and asked from yourself... thank you", I say slowly and silent, but he understands. "For what you say 'Thank you'?", he is asking me and looks confused. "For being honest, friendly, helpful and worrying about me, that aren't doing so many people in my life...", I only answer and he smiles shyly at me. What does it mean? Did I miss something? Calm down and be neutral! If you would look objective at the situation, you would see that he likes you...! No that can't be! Don't say something like that!
~
After an hour full of talking and also laughing, Tien goes back home and I can speak to my 'Mr.' and member of my gang: "What is it this time?" "Tomorrow is a fight where you have to be! I know you're waiting for the whole week, but you have to prepare for this, because it's your lovely one...", he answers and I get big eyes. Yeah! That's the news I want to hear! I hug him for no matter and run upstairs in my training room. There I stay over three or four hours and power out myself. That's the best training for a fight like that. I'm looking forward to it.