𝕄𝕒𝕗𝕚𝕒 o̶r̶ n̶o̶t̶

10

I stand up early in the morning, to prepare everything for my big day which stands before me. I grab my bag, put all my stuff inside and take a look on my mobile phone. I have many notifications and messages, but not friendly ones. Cloe seems to be really down, sad and angry and wrote some weird stuff, but she wants to see me today, before I leave forever. Should I go there and risk my life? Yes, because of this one quote 'No risk no fun'... Yeah your right. So I put my one black hoddie over my head and wear my skinny jeans with my boots, some things are still here with me, but not so much.
~
I'm standing in front of the schoolgate and look right at the campus. I see all the groups of girls and boys who are talking, laughing and it seems all so peaceful. I don't wanna destroy this perfect picture with my approach, but I promised it. I feel a vibration of my mobile phone and took it out. My heart beats a little bit faster as I read the name of the one who wrote me a messege - Tien.

-Please meet me before you leave and let me alone all nights. I'll be waiting on the rooftop of the school, I'm sure you kow how to come up there... -

I didn't expect something like that, but first I have to find Cloe...

A hand touchs my shoulder and an other grabs my wrist. Okay she found me and we walk in an empty classroom. She closes the door walks around till she stops right in front of me only two inchs away. I look in her eyes and see again, that she's hurt, sad and need someone, but can't help myself to find the source of all of this. Sure I will leave her, but she could go with me! I should say something...

"No please... don't say anything... Only answer me one question... Did you realize that I have feelings for you?", she says and I'm shocked. WHAT?! Fuck! I'm such a bad best friend! "No... No I didn't... and...I'm really sorry...", I answer and she brings space between us. I can totally understand her reaction. I only look on the ground and feel so bad... How couldn't I see it? How couldn't I be there for her? Why am I so selfish? Argh! She surely hates me... "I don't hate you, I couldn't, because I love you... But... but I'm broken, because I know, that you will never like me the same way, I'm hurt, but it's not your fault. It's really better if you leave, so I can get over it and don't have you to see with others. Only one other question... Do you like Tien?", she asks me and I can't look her into her eyes. "I... I don't know... maybe...", I give back and she sighs frustrated. I feel with her and could punch me for this, but if I would lie to her it would be more awful, because she knows me really good. "Goodbye Alice and get away safe...", she says and leaves the room. I wanna follow her, but let my neutral voice hold me back, before I make a mistake.

I wait till I walk out of the room and as I realize, the bell ringing I know, that Tien isn't on the rooftop anymore and will hate me for it. Fuck! With hanging head and not really good impression I walk upstairs to the rooftop, through the forbitten door and stand there. I take a big breath in and close my eyes to calm down and try to imagine my future somewhere else, far away. I go to a wall in the corner of the roof and sit down there. I hope so much, that Tien doesn't hate me. I can't live with this fact! I'm such a bad person! I actually don't deserve this new life...

"Why am I so stupid...? He will hate me! Why can't I walk faster and be here earlier? Argh! He surely wants to speak with me and say goodbye and I don't respect this... I will never have someone, who likes me how I am... I should go, before the others find me...", I speak with myself and don't really know why. I stand up and walk a little bit back to the door, as someone hugs me from behind. Huh? Who is this? I get cramped and my heart beats faster. Is it Tien? Did he hear me? I'm really stupid sometimes...

"I knew you would come... Sorry...", he says as he let go of me. "I'm sorry for letting you wait so long, but Cloe wanted to speak with me... and say goodbye...", I give back and look down on the ground. I don't really know how to look him in the eyes with my spoken words before. "Because what you said... You are sure, there is no one that likes you for who you are? I mean, why would I wanna talk to you, if I don't like you?", he asks and also blushs a little bit. What does it mean? He likes you genius... And again thank you for the compliment... "Sure I know this, but I'm not sure, if you would still like me, if you knew my backstory... I mean, I killed people... and I lied to you more then once... Why don't you hate me? I would absolutely hate me...", I give back and he comes closer. Now he is standing only half an meter away from me. He looks deep into my eyes and smiles at me. What does he want to do? "Alice... Do you really think I could hate you? I knew your backstory, the whole world knows, but be sure I'm here for you if you're ever coming back... I'm waiting here... not exactly here, but in this city... for you...", he speaks out the words and comes closer so he is standing only one inch away. I can feel his breath on my skin and get goosebumps all over my body. I don't know what he is doing with me, but my heart is beating faster and faster and I have to gulp. I look shyly in his face and he smiles at me: "Alice I like you, but more as a new friend should do... I have a crush on you since I've seen you the first time in your room train and sing... I don't know how I should tell you this...", he says and comes closer till the space between our lips is closed. I feel his soft lips on mine and wanna close my eyes to enjoy it, but then he stops it and brings some space between us. I feel my blood running in my cheeks and they are burning as I look up to him. "Ehm... I should go then... I don't have so much time... I'm sorry...", I speak shyly and look back on the ground again. "Let us stay in contact please... I don't wanna loose you... And... Take care of yourself...Write me if you want to... Goodbye Alice...", he says as goodbye and I have to hug him only one time, before I leave everything of mychildhood right behind me...
~
I'm sitting in the train right now and look out of the window. Where am I driving? Where do I want to go? Where am I safe? I don't know, but isn't it exciting? I mean, everyone can plan where to go and what to do, but not so many people can do things spontaneously or impulsively, so I try to do this. First I will fly away, out of this country, maybe to Europe, maybe Germany, only far away from the USA. Sure everywhere all over the globe are gang members who search me, but I will get this with the help of the police and my mental strenght. I have only to believe in myself and I get it! That's the right attitude! I know. I will find a place where I can get over all what happend there and start over, with myself, with the world, with my life. And maybe I find someone like Tien and get happy in the end like in the movies, aslo if this isn't the real life... But I can hold hope.

As the ticket collector walks through the floor I wake up of my daydreams and grab in my bag, to hold out the peace of paper. I have to think about my father and the moment I came in the kitchen. He sat on the chair in the kitchen, holding my jacket and having the note in his hands, also tears in his eyes and this sad impression gives me a shiver all over mybody I this moment. As the guy grabs the paper I look up in his eyes and I see that he is afraid, surely because of my tattoos which are still on my body, sadly. If I could, I had remove them, but these are real tattoos, so what should I do, takes some time to get rid of them...
I fall back in my memories and have the picture of my guilty and sad father in front of me, as he speaked with me, wished me good luck and hoped that I get away safe. That's the real sign of love, I know he loves me till he dies and that's important. Also I know he wouldn't say anything about the place where I am, he is my father and doesn't wanna see me dead. He really helps me, tellung it the gang today and not yesterday. I love him and actually don't wanna leave him alone, so he has someone to talk to about the topic with my mother. He really trys to hide everything, but I know and saw he being really sad and hurt, because of it, surely he gives himself the fault of all of this. He has the same personality like me, if it's about something like that. Don't show to much, but be there for others or for no one. Hide everything to seem like you are strong. I will absolutely miss him... How should I get throuhg this without help or anyone else? Isn't the police behind me too? What if I come in prison? Actually I miss him also right now, because he was also the only one left for me. Now I'm alone and can't go back, without getting killed. These are perfect omens for the future which stands before us... I know... But we will get this! We are strong and not alone! We have each other and got through a lot of other problems! We will find a place and time where we can talk with my father and be happy with our life...
But...Will I really found someone like Tien somewhere else? I mean, he is one person in the USA, there will not be another in Europe who's like a copy of him. Am I stupid to believe this? How could I let him be there without any information? He is the only one who stayed on my side after I made everything public. How can I be so cruel? Am I so naiv? Sometimes I should think more. I could write him... But would it help him or me in this situation? Think about it and you know it... No, it wouldn't help us... I have to look in the future, have to prepare myself for what will come and don't look back. There will be a day on which we see each other again, I'm sure about it. I just hope he doesn't hate me till then...