𝕄𝕒𝕗𝕚𝕒 o̶r̶ n̶o̶t̶

9

Tuesday and I'm still the fake person with it's masks over his real face... My alarm rings and I throw it against the wall without thinking about the concequences. I HATE MY LIFE! And that's real talk... I stand up grumpy and walk unmotivatet into the bathroom with my typical nerdish clothes. I can't hold it anymore! I don't wanna play these roles! I don't wanna fake myself! I don't wanna hurt others! I don't wanna kill people! I don't wanna see people die! I can't do this! I'm not made for something like this! I'm not doing this anymore, also if it means death for me! I rather die before I do this!

What would happen if I leave the gang? If I leave the world here behind? If I would leave the country? If I would search my luck somewhere else? If I wouldn't graduate here? What would happen if I would have the courage to do it? You would have a better life, YOUR life. You could be you. You would have peace and freedom, silence. You would have if you do it... Your right, if I do it. It's time to change things. If I change something, than others will follow, it's like that in every story right? I have to sacrifice more than I think now I have to, but I'm willing to pay the price for it, if I can be ME, truly me!Listen world, here I come!

I go back in my room, grab some clothes of the middle, there are the clothes which are not from the gang and not from the nerd, the clothes from me. I run in the bathroom, take a shower, take some make up on my face, not too much and look at me with a truly and big smile. That's me and everyone should see it! I take my gang jacket with me, lay it on the kitchen table with a note from me, that I leave the gang and no one could change my mind and I'm ready to die, if I have to. My father will understand the sentence underneath the important stuff - I only wanna fulfill the promise I gave in the past... I wanna do more, graduate from high school and make more out of my life, be happy and myself...- and will act like he thinks it's right, I know this, I hope so...
~
As I stand infront of the schoolgate I see it clear how I will leave this part of my life and start somewhere far away a new one, a real one. As I walk over the schoolground I have the whole attention of everyone, not only because of my tattoos, also because they 'don't know me'. As I walk right into my class and take the place in the first row, Makkuro stares at me with an impression meaning my death, but he can't kill me here, I know this, this is a terran, where it isn't allowed, an old rule of the gangs.
~
The teacher comes in and looks at me with confusion, he doesn't know me and doesn't know something about a new student and the nerd Alice not being here. It's funny to see their faces. I have to tell them who I am.

"Hello guys! You all ask yourself who I am, without two or three. You don't recognize me do you? But how should you? I look strange, not like 'me' and I'm not shy, scared or silent. No I'm active, good looking, actractive and louder than before. My name is Alice, Alice Bail. I was the nerd before or the leader of Dark Shadows, but listen I WAS, that means I'm only Alice Bail and not more. I know you see my tattoos, but I can't hide them anymore. I also know that I actually would be dead right now, because of you Makkuro, but think about what you are doing. I have still the tattoos, but I'm not a member of the gang, I left, you can ask my father if you want to.You can kill me, but if you really want to, is your decision. I live with the consequences, but wanna say sorry before. I had no other chance and I try to make it better now. What I did the last weeks or years wasn't me, this was the person my father and the society made out of my. I had no other way to go. But now I leave this old, dangerous and grey life and live MY life. Goodbye everyone and have a good holiday", I say and leave the room, without looking back. I will never come back, there I'm sure.
On the floor I meet Jon with a pistol in his hands. What is he doing here? Fuck! I don't have any weapon with me and I will never have some in the future. "Why...?", he asks, as he sees me. "I found out that Jake your little, arrogant and stupid badboy and classmate and Makkuro your enemy are twins! We could have used that! But now look at you! You are so weak! You try to play another role! You leave the gang! We are allowed to kill you now! I thought there was something between us! But fast I see and feel that this neighbour is your new lover or what? What does he have that I don't have huh? He is smaller, thinner, more childish and surely younger than you! What do you want from someone like him?", he screams around and I can feel his pain. "Listen-", I wanna begin, but he interrupts me: "NO! No! Your time to say something is over since you layed down your jacket and decided to live 'your' life! This life you trying to live is the one of your mother! You only make her dream come true, to leave the gang and live in peace, silence and freedom. That's what she told you every evening before you fell asleep didn't she? That this is the perfect life to live for, that you are only not able to live it, because you're caught inside of this life, OUR life! You wanna leave the gang, alright! But you also have to live with the concequences Alice! You don't only hurt me with this decision... Think about your father... Do you really wanna leave him alone? He has no one left than you... Is this what you really are? A heartless person with no eyes for others? Go, but don't come back if you need help!", he speaks louder and still holds the pistole right in front of my face.