𝕄𝕒𝕗𝕚𝕒 o̶r̶ n̶o̶t̶

7

It's Sunday and I wake up late for my average 10:30 AM, but I know the reason for it. I shouldn't be so attached to Tien. What if he finds out who I am and tells everyone? He wouldn't do that and you know that... Yes, but it's true. I'm not allowed to be so close with guys, who are not in the gang. So what should I do? You should do what you wanted to for a long time... quit... I can't and you know that! If I quit it would mean betrayal and death for me and being tracked for my whole life, because of the money they would get, if they kill me. That's too risky for my taste, but it would be my biggest wish. I will live in a life of fear, danger, criminality, death and lonlyness for ever and this wont change...
~
I'm sitting on my balkony and look up to the sky which is blue and doesn't has any clouds, so clear and cold, like me sometimes. "Hey Miss Bail what are you waiting for? We have to go, come on!", Jon calls me to hurry up. "Yeah it's ok Jon...", I just say and try to focus on the quest I have today - steal the diamonds of the Black Angels. I walk to my wardrobe change my clothes and walk downstairs to the livingroom where my father, Jon AND Jake are waiting. What does he do here? "There you are! You know whe don't have much time, if we wanna get it today! Now hurry!", my father says and we all get into the car and drive to the meeting place, as far away as not to get caught or seen. I grab my pistole, make my hair to a ponytail and put on my headset to communicate with Mark. I test the connection and hear him clear and loud enough. Perfect!

"Okay you have to walk an other way than we talked about before, because it seems that they know someone is trying to steal their daimonds, but I know better. So go behind the house and then call me okay?", Mark is telling me and I agree on it. That means more work than we thought, but that's no problem. I wanna begin to walk, but get hold back by Jake. Why is he here? He's a LOWER! His task actually would be to help the assistents, to clean up places or bring some coffee for Mark, but not to stand here next to me and hold me back from working!! I could freak out! "What?!", I aks him with my very cold and agry voice and he only points on my father who looks really strange in my direction. What is wrong today? Does he forget that Jake is only a Lower? He doesn't even have the tattoo so why should I respect him? He isn't an official member without the tattoo! Could you all wake up please! Argh! "Dark why do you wanna walk there?", my father asks me than and wakes me up of my inwardly monologue. "Because Mark tells me to do so, because they know they got someone wanting to steal their diamonds...", I answer a little bit too fast and harsh and look on the ground. "Good! Than we follow her and hold your eyes open! They know whe are here!", he told to everyone and comes to me: "Stay calm and focused. I'm sorry about the guy... Hold your eyes open and be careful please...", he speaks to me and I feel the love from the past inside of me. Since my mother died he didn't say something like that to me. Now I'm ready!
~
After surely an hour I stand in front of the tresor room where the diamonds are in. I open the door with the code I found out yesterday and walk in. There are a lot of sensors which I'm not allowed to touch, if I want to get out of here alive. I have to concentrate on the plan in my head about the sensors and have to focus on my goal. I hear voices from the outside and know that I have to hurry a little bit. I'm so near on the vitrine to put out the diamonds as I hear a shoot and feel pain. Fuck! "You really thought you could pick it up without getting in trouble? Ha! Here we are again Dark. But this time is no one here to help ya...", he says and holds his pistole in front of my head. Now it's time to say goodbye. It was a wonderful life, I had a wonderful family and friends, but I wasn't ever happy with it, because it was never me... Goodbye life! I hear a loud shoot, but don't feel anything. Does death feel like that? Is it without pain?Without sound? I don't know, because I'm not dead in this moment! How is it possible? I open my eyes, see Damian lying in front of me on the ground and Jake standing in the door with a pisole in his hands. Wow! I never thought that he would have it in him! I fastly stand up, think a short time about my wonderful death, put that thought back in the last corner of my head and grab the diamonds, to leave that place.
~
No one knows what happend in there whithout Jake. He will tell it my father if he asks him I know this! And if my father knows it, it will give a war between the Black Angels and Dark Shadows and I can't do something against it! Sure I would deserve to die, but I don't wanna die in a war! I wanna die from the same hand of the guy who kills my mother, but that's impossible now! I hate my life! What should I do now? Fulfill your role and your promise... Do it for your mother...
~
At home I don't really do something in the first hour. I just sit on my bed, looking on the ceiling and think about my future. Do I really wanna live this life? Do I really wanna be the leader of Dark Shadows? Do I really wanna live my whole life in danger and fear? DoI really wanna kill people my whole life? Do I really wanna be the one who's fault it is that houndreds of people are dead? Do I really want all of this? NO!!Right... but what can I do...? Leave the gang and walk away, far away, leave the country, begin a new life... be happy only one time in your life... It's easy to say, but really hard to do, you know this... My father would never forgive me, he would kill me! That's the price of a freedom, of  YOUR life, either you risk it or you die alone and unhappy... it's your choice... Your right, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it...
~
My thoughts fly around everywhere and I can't really think normaly. Argh! I grab my sport bag and run upstairs in my training room. I change my clothes and begin to beat the sandbag with my whole strength. I also scream out to clear my head, I throw away things and end up sitting in the last corner of the room crying. How weak... I'm so weak! I don't deserve to live as a leader of a gang! I'm too weak to live in a world like that! My mother would know what to do, but she's not here anymore and that's because I was too weak to defense myself! Today Jake had to help me to survive and stay alive, but I don't want to! I don't wanna live anymore! Why should I? What is holding me here? What is a reason for me to live? My mother, the only person on earth who knew and understood me is dead! It's my fault she's dead! I'm so weak and small, little, helpless, fake... I'm not me anymore! I changed for others and don't know who I am now...
~
"Is everything alright?", I hear a voice. I open my eyes and look in dark ones which seem to worry about me. "Ahem... How you came in?", I ask him. "The window was open and I heard you screaming and crying... What is wrong Alice?", he asks again."Nothing... Everything is alright...", I answer and look at the ground. I know I'm a bad lair, if I speak to someone I like, but I think this is normal... I read it in a book about psychology... "And why do you lie to me again? I see it in your face, in your behavior and in your impression... You can talk to me. Sure we don't really know each other, but sometimes it's better to speak with someone who doesn't know everything about his problems...", he tells me and I feel comfortable in his near, save, loved, needed and normal, like me. "I can't speak about it... It's really complicatet... I'm not really sure, if it's true or not, if it's right or wrong, what I'm doing. I mean, if people hurt you, are you allowed to hurt them or aren't you the same like them if you do so? I don't want this anymore...", I say wihtout reallly thinking about it. If it's wrong I don't know, but surely it is. Since the day I met Tien, everything is wrong what I do... but why? Because you like him... maybe love him...I don't know...

Two arms pull me in a hug, wake me up and bring me back into reality - Tien is here, hugging me and I feel good. OMG! I really like him! I can't do that! Why is my heart that stupid? Because you're not really more intelligent...That wasn't friendly! Thanks for the compliment! You gave it to you as well you know this... I try to put the arms away from me, but I'm too weak for it. "Tien?", I speak to him. "Yes?", he replies. "Can you let go of me please?", I ask a little bit shy and could punch me for this. Who am I? Am I a little twelve-year-old girl or a 17-year-old leader of a criminal gang? Argh! What is going on with me? "Oh...sure sorry...", he goes back and shyly brings some place between us. If I don't only imagine, he blushes a little bit. Why am I so stupid? Now I feel lonely and cold, because he is so far away from me also it's only one inch. What should I do?

I hear foodsteps on the stairs and stand up abruptly. "You have to go! But really thank you for listening to me and worrying about me, I haven't that for a long time...", I say to him and give him a little hug as a goodbye, before I walk out of the room and go downstairs. I try to look not that horrible and it seems to work. Jon is standing there and watchs every step of mine. "Is everything alright? I've heard you throwing things and screaming...", he asks as well. Why dies everyone worry about me? Am I so important? No! I'm also just a normal person with his own problems to solve! "Everything is ok, I just trained a little bit too hard and thought too much about some useless stuff, that's all...", I answer him and go inside of my room.
~
Later in the night 2 AM or something like that, I wake up and go outside on my balkony to relax a little bit. Sometimes the starts help me to calm down, because I realize, that it's a wonder that we are existing, can live and that I'm only a little peace of everything. I'm not the only one with problems, I'm not the only one who lost someone, I'm lucky in one case, I still have my father... I can see everything clear for a moment, before I open my eyes again and everything is gone, my head is empty and my heart goes on...