𝕄𝕒𝕗𝕚𝕒 o̶r̶ n̶o̶t̶

5

Friday, last day of school and after it weekend. I try to motivate me with this few words and hope it helps me, like every week. I slowly stand up and walk into the bathroom without realizing what happens around me. Why should I? I wake up earlier intentionally to be at school when Jake isn't there. I don't wanna have a situation like yesterday again. I walk downstairs to the kitchen and take one apple as breakfast and then go on the silent way to school.
~
I enjoy the fresh air after the rain and take a deep breath, before entering the campus only to see that the ashole is also there. I try to sneak into the building, but feel after a short time a hand which grabs my wrist and forces me to follow. I hate my life! What does he want from me again? I don't want this! He should walk away till it's to late! If he tries to kiss me again, I will punch him doesn't matter wich consequences it will have!
~
"Here we go again! I'm glad about it, but you don't look like that...", he tries to provoke me and smiles arrogant at me. Who does he think he is to do this?! I wanna beat him up and show him what I can do with him, but I can control myself in the last minute. I hate him so much! I gulp down the stone in my throat and look down on the ground. "W-why you doing t-this...?", I ask him to fulfill my image as a nerd. "Don't play this little game with me... I know who you are...", this break makes me crazy, but I don't let me get manipulated and stay strong. I trained this often, longtime before he knew me. He has to do more than this, if he wanna make me confused or scared! "You are the little, rich and famous girl who lives in the villa and drives a Lamborghini. So... Why do you play the role as a nerd huh?", he ends his little speech and I only turn around and walk away with the words: "That's none of your business and leave me alone!" "What if I don't?", he screams above the campus so we two have the attention of everyone. He's an idiot! I run away in the building and to my locker, where Cloe is waiting for me. "Hey!", I only say. She turns her head in my direction and looks at me sad and her eyes are telling me sorry. What happend to her? What does she wanna tell me with that? "I'm really sorry about this with Jake! I really didn't wanna tell something, but I couldn't stop talking and forgot to keep it sercret! I also know, this isn't an excuse, but please don't be mad at me! I'm really sorry!", she tells me and I don't know what to say. "W-what...?!", were the only words I nearly scream out. That isn't the truth! She only jokes around! This can't be! But wait! If he really knows it, why telling me that I'm a rich and famous girl and not being Dark? That makes no sense! What is going on here?
~
In the classroom everyone looks at me and Jake stands in front of my desk. What does he want this time? He is so annoying! "Hey little girl", he speaks to me. WHAT DOES HE SAY TO ME?! Okay that is too much! Calm down! Put yourself together and concentrate! Focus on your work and not on some stupid asholes! That is really hard right now! Be strong! Be Dark in your mind! Fight! Yes! You are exactly right! He only wants me to freak out, but when I stay calm he will give up soon. So I only sit down and ignore him like every time and the others focuse on their conversations again. I'm so glad about it! It works! Don't celebrate to early! He is not gone, he doesn't move an inch! Sure, but he will...

"You think you could bring me to go away by just ignoring me? You know you doing this every day, so it's not bad for me. It's just a sign that you hide behind your mask and your little role, but be informed that I don't give up...", he whispers in my ear and I get instantly goosebumps all over my body. Since when do I react like that? Do I like him...? NO! What should I do? And what does he exactly mean by he doesn't give up? On what? I'm so confused! The bell rings so concentrate and focus on the lesson! You have time for this later! Yeah all right...
~
After the lesson, I don't know which it was, German? Yeah it was German. After my favorite hate lesson German with this nerdish teacher, I stand up from my chair and wanna go outside the room, but get grabed by someone. As I feel a hand on my wrist, I'm shocked in the first moment, but try to stay calm, because I know who it is - Jake. Why is he thinking this would help him to find out more about me? Is he really that stupid? "Where do you want to go that fast? Doesn't you have time to stay a little longer? I have to ask you something really important...", he says and smiles at me with this arrogant look. Argh! I hate him! Why can't I punch him in the face right know? Because you're in school and the nerd. You are not allowed to do that. Stay strong and play your role! Argh!! I don't wanna do this! But you have to!! Yeah! It's okay...! Sometimes I wanna be a normal teenager, only to know how it feels like...
~
"Here we are, alone, in school and in silence...", he speaks. "If you talk it's not silent anymore, just as information for ya...", I only answer, because I don't have the nervs for that. "Oh Miss Perfect speaks to me! What brings you to talk in that tone with me? Since when are you so disrespectful? Aren't you the nerd of the school? Or are you only known as that? You should speak now, before I use other methods...", he trys to threathen me, but I'm not weak. "Do you think you can make me afraid with these words? You should know, I'm not as weak as I look...", I say and he shows me a dark smile. What does it mean? "Oh I know that you're strong. I saw you yesterday...", he tells me with his dark and deep voice and goes on: "...the fight, right? Against the guy who you hate the most after the one who killed your mother, isn't it like that? Akito the leader of The Dragons the third biggest gang in New York City after Dark Shadows and Black Angels. Don't you know them? What would happen if everybody knows? Your little friend isn't such a good secret keeper you know that? She telled me so fast... How could it be a secret for so long? Ha... But I surely don't have to tell ya this, I mean you are the one who knows everything and can beat everyone. Isn't it like that?", he is holding his little monologue. I'm so annoyed! I can't listen to him anymore! "Have you finished your little speech? I really have to do other things... Oh and if you tell anyone, be sure we see us again in an other situation. Remember the time in the basement? Did you see the instruments there? I could use them... But I surely don't have to tell you this. Actually you are not stupid... the most time not...", I say and leave the room, walk to my locker and over the campus.

I see Tien standing in front of the schoolgate waiting with Cloe for me. Why is he doing this? Did I overlooked something important? "Hey guys! Why are you two waiting here for me?", I aks them. "Because we know, that Jake is walking behind you and wants to do something with you. We only wanna be sure you're alright...", answers Cloe with this guilty look in her eyes. I'm surely mad at her, but I don't hate her for it. I mean, everyone makes mistakes or tells something, what they shouldn't have spoken out. She doesn't make this every day so it's not that bad. I only have a problem, if Jake tells anyone about it...
~
Infront of my door Tien says goodbye and Cloe comes in. "So what happend in there? What did Jake do with you?", she instantly asks me. Can't we just go into my room before she asks me about that stuff? Sometimes she's really exhausting... "Cloe please let me come in and relax only for a short time... I tell you everything early enough", I answer her and we go upstairs. Before I could begin, Jon comes in and looks shocked. "What is it? What happend?", I instantly ask him."Your new little friend trys to sneak into the house...", he says. WHAT?! "Who do you mean?", I wanna know."Tien-", he only says his first name and I have to inerrupt him: "What? Why? What does he want here and why doesn't he ring the bell? Argh! I don't have time for this!" "Ask him yourself...", Jon only answers and turns around. I fast dress myself, so he can't see my tattoos and walk downstairs to see him standing in the kitchen."What are you doing here?", I ask a little bit too mean and cold and clear my throat to cover it up. "Ehm... I'm sorry...Actually I don't wanna sneak in, but I also wanna know what Jake did to you and how you feel right now... I mean, I worry about you also if you lie one time to me, but you had a good reason for it... I only wanna be sure that you're alright. I'm sorry...", he shyly says and looks down on the ground like a little child who got caught by eating some candy, it's a really funny picture. That's the reason I begin to laugh and he also does because he realizes the stupid childish scene he played in front of me. I like him for laughing also about himself and doing jokes about him and others. I'm like that and prefer to be friends with people who can as well laugh about themeselfs.
~
After the conversation with Cloe and Tien I train five hours and fall in my bed. What did I get from the day? Nohing! I only have more problems, lies, thoughts and shit in my life which I don't need or could use for something! Why does fate hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this? You killed your mother... No! That's wrong! I wasn't the person with the pistole! But you were the person who can't shut up and telled everyone who you are... Shut up! Shut up! ...please... I don't wanna hear that...! I don't wanna remember the pictures of my mother lying on the ground, dead, with blood and this empty look in her eyes... I know that I did this, but I will never let something like that happen again! I promise! ...I try... Trying is not enough. I know...