For My Flesh Had Turned to Fur, and My Thoughts Had Turned to You

Chapter 4

As promised, Stiles returns the next day with two sandwiches and a few more chips, and the same could be said of the next day, and the next.

Soon, Derek looked forward and waited impatiently for Stiles to arrive every day. Sometimes he would be late, the light fading as the sun went down, and would come running to Derek with extra food as an apology. Often he’d even stay later on those days, sitting with Derek until the moon was bright in the sky, the stars twinkling in the midnight blue above them. Sometimes, Stiles would get there early, waiting at the tree until Derek padded out from the bushes.

But every time, he’d greet Derek with a hug and give him the same when he left. Derek always wished he could return the favor, wrap his own arms around Stiles and never let him go instead of nuzzling into Stiles’s neck with his muzzle.

He could of course, but he wasn’t sure how Stiles would take it, worried the boy would feel betrayed and lied to. While Derek was a wolf, Stiles shared personal things with him, not just practiced his magic. Most likely, Stiles just needed someone to listen, and Derek was more than happy to lay his head in Stiles’s lap and do so while the boy ran his fingers through his fur. He told Derek of his family, his pack, how Scott became Alpha, how they were thrown together with no guidance and had to figure out everything on their own. He told him of his fears, fears about losing his dad like he had lost his mother, of hoping that he could get better with his magic so that wouldn’t happen, so that he could protect them all.

Derek would whine in sympathy, remember his own family and pack, about how it had already been a few weeks and that if he didn’t return soon, his mother would worry, imagine the worst and attack the McCall pack to get to Derek. He’s already been in wolf form for far longer than he planned, and he has more than enough information to inform his alpha about Stiles and the rest of the pack.

What holds him back is the thought of leaving Stiles, the look of sadness and worry and disappointment when Stiles comes to their usual spot to find it empty. He can imagine Stiles sitting by the tree, moving leaf after leaf through the air with his magic until he’d form a tree of his own in the air, as he waits for Derek to find him. And when the sun sets and it grows darker, the leaves suddenly fall from their imaginary branches as Stiles buries his face into his hands.

He can’t bare to leave Stiles like that. But, there’s no way he can tell Stiles that he’ll return, or to even have Stiles come with him. So Derek stays.

After the third week, however, he can feel his wolf controlling his thoughts and actions more, can sense that if he doesn’t shift out and become human again soon (which he might not be able to do on his own anymore), he will be overcome by instinct and do something he might regret. He has to leave. He has to return to his pack, being away from them for so long is also affecting him, and though he’s had the companionship of Stiles every day, it’s not the same as being surrounded by one’s pack.

When Stiles hugs him goodbye, Derek purposefully nuzzles and licks at Stiles’s neck longer than he should, hoping that when Stiles returns the next day to a missing wolf that this was a goodbye. Stiles pulls away and stands, and Derek whines, paws at Stiles’s legs, until Stiles kneels down again, taking Derek’s face between his hands.

“What is it, buddy?”

In answer, Derek licks Stiles’s face, his nose, his cheeks, lips, chin, all the while wishing that he could say goodbye, don’t worry by far less crude means.

Stiles giggles, wiping at his face with his arm. “Yeah, I love you, too,” Stiles says, burying his face in Derek’s fur.

It takes a few seconds to register what Stiles has said, and the words cut Derek and make his heart ache. There’s no way Stiles can ever forgive him now if he finds out the truth, discovers what Derek truly is. He had some small vein hope that maybe Stiles would want him when he was human, when he revealed himself and Stiles forgave him the lie. But now, he’s not sure he can ever gain Stiles’s trust again after this is over, let alone have Stiles want and love him after.

This time when Stiles let’s go, Derek lets him, brushes up against his legs one last time, and sits back on his haunches as he watches Stiles walk away for the last time. He decides to leave something behind for Stiles, something that Stiles would know is for him, something that will let Stiles know he shouldn’t worry about him.

He gathers up several leaves and puts them in a pile near the base of their tree. He runs down to the stream near where he’s been sleeping, and jumps around in the water and mud to make sure his paws are good and dirty. He returns to the tree and stamps his paw on as many of the leaves in the pile as he can, leaving muddy prints on them. He pushes a few rocks with his muzzle to the same spot in an attempt to shield the leaf pile from any breeze that might whisk the leaves away.

Once he is satisfied, hoping that Stiles will understand and know it’s from him, he turns and runs.