Bughead || recovering

10

on Monday I was walking around school looking for Veronica , I saw her glued to her phone , "hey" "did you hear" "about what" "nick" , in that moment my heart dropped "what about him" "apparently he got super wasted and fell in the bathroom tub and he's in the hospital with like serious brain damage" "oh god that's horrible" "right" "how'd you find out"
"His mom posted it on Facebook to like ask for prayers or something" I nodded , "I feel so bad for you , since you two were like a thing and all" "why do you feel bad" "he has brain damage , really bad too , he's never gonna live a normal life again" "is he gonna be like .. disabled" "probably worse" I nodded , the next few periods I felt consumed with guilt , there were knots in my stomach Everytime I heard somebody mention it , and lunch came around , it was October so it was close to Halloween and from the ceiling there was a banner about the Halloween dance , and there were like drawings of Frankenstein , with a brain in his hand , I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went outside and sat on the table with my head down
I looked up and saw him "Veronica told me you would be out here" I nodded , "did you hear about nick" I didn't say anything , "I remembered you too we're close so I can't imagine what your feeling right now" "don't act like he's dead" "he might as well be" "when did they find him" "the day after the Party" , "why do you think I was so hysterical after the party" "I don't know" after a few seconds of silence I confessed , "I did that to him" "what are you talking about" "who do you think beat me up that one time" "was that your revenge or something did you like hit him with a hammer and leave him in the bath tub" I shook my head "are you like... a murderer" "if I was a murderer do you think I'd be telling you" , "maybe"
"he abused me" I said , "what did you do to him" "he locked me in a room and made me talk to him , and when I didn't give him the awnser he wanted I think he panicked and he made me go to the bathroom with him , and he just started drowning me , over and over again , I knew if I didn't do it he wouldn't have stopped , so I pushed him back and he fell over the tub , and he hit his head , he hit his head so hard , and I watched him , and I left him there , I could've gotten him help , I could've stopped it , but I didn't""I don't even know what to say"
"I know how bad you saw me that night , and I trust that you'll never tell anybody this" , "yeah of course" "now you probably think I'm crazy" "crazy for what , defending yourself"
"is it bad that I feel relieved" " I don't think so" "I saw him there , and I locked the door and I left , I wanted this" "I know that you'd never speak up about what he does to you , and he would do it to more people eventually, you have more than enough reason to feel relieved right now" "I knew you'd understand , but I need you to promise me that you'll never tell a single soul" "on one condition" "anything" "you'll go to the Halloween dance with me on Friday" "like as a date" "I mean if you want" "then it's a date" I said before I got up and walked back inside
           It was Friday and I had just finished getting ready for the dance when I heard someone ring the door , my sibling were at the dance and my parents were having a date somewhere,
I opened it and saw jughead, dressed as Freddie Mercury, it was a really nice costume too , I was Emily from corpse bride and Veronica was gonna be sally from the nightmare before Christmas , "hey" "are you ready" , I nodded "alright let's go"
     we where there and I kind of dreaded the entire thing , I'd probably have the time of my life if I was high, but I wasn't , and I hadn't been for a while . I let him have his fun and I sat at a table with my phone , eventually he came back , "hey" "are you gonna enter the costume contest" "probably not" "oh come on" , I shook my head "if you do then we'll leave" "fine" I entered it and walked back to the table "alright let's go" "we have to wait for the results" I sighed and sat back down , eventually tho they gathered the votes and the principal went on the stage , announcing the 3 winners , Veronica , jughead and some other rando , "veronicas having a after party if you want to go" "that sounds like the last thing you'd want to do" "I don't but I don't mind asking for a ride or something" "well what do you want to do"
"Probably do something with you" "like what" "Go out or something" "let me say bye then we can go" I nodded , we were in the car driving around deciding where to go , and we were parked at the pier not knowing what to do , "I like you" "I like you too" "no but not like that you know" "like what then" I asked , "you know what" I looked at him with a weird look "why" "we're you not flirting with me" "I wasn't flirting" , "I wish you were" , then it got quiet, "I'm going back to treatment for a bit" "when" "in a few days" "why" "because I'm bad again"
"Like psychically" "obviously not" "for how long" "I don't know , it's not like it's my choice"
"I thought you were doing fine" "I thought I was doing fine" "so what's the problem" "the guilt ate me alive and I told my mom , and I told her how horrible I felt , but also how happy it made me" , he nodded "maybe it's a good thing" "it's like a 1980s Russian insane asylum" "oh" "I can't stop fucking up" "that's not true" "then why does it feel like this" "it's not like one day your going to wake up and be magically okay , you can't recover without a relapse or two , or even a couple , and you can't mentally be okay with out some breakdowns or something, and there's always gonna be something after another thing after the other you have to work for stability" I got quiet for a few seconds after that "I know you must feel completely friend zoned and rejected , but the truth is that I feel the same way about you , I just can't do anything with you like this , I'm still trying to process what happened to me in my last relationship and i can't keep crying on your shoulder , you'd never admit to it but you pity me and I just feel so vulnerable all the time , it feels so shitty of me to go to you for help and I'd never want to put that on to another person but there's something seriously wrong with me but I can't leave that burden on you , especially in a different kind of relationship" "I'll wait , for however long , and if you ever change your mind we can pretend this never happened" "thank you"