Not So Hot Girls Summer

6

We woke up the following morning to an empty villa. No Jordan. No Amelie. I expected they had gone on an excursion for the day without us as that seemed to be pretty standard behaviour for her at the moment, just vanishing.
Unlike them, the rest of us didn't have anything planned, but after a significant amount of drinking over the last couple of days, a beach day was fully overdue, so that is where we went.

Whilst the beach on our back door was nothing far from beautiful, it had little atmosphere, and being a group of twenty odd year olds, atmosphere is something we craved. So we opted to take the journey to a more popular beach only a fifteen-minute cab ride from the villa.

As we waited on the pathway for our taxi, I noticed a small notepad laying on the stonework where Jordan's yellow moped had remained for the last couple of days- that had also now gone. I went over and picked it up to satisfy my curiosity.
'Anxious Millennial' was written in the first page. Weren't we all?
I turned the pages and delved deeper.
What appeared to fill the thin pieces of paper seemed to be Amelie's inner thoughts and feelings. Things about university, personal things about family, friends, me, Frankie, Jordan. At that moment, I knew I wasn't meant to be reading it. But knowing what words lay written in that book, including words about me, I just couldn't help myself.
I tucked it away in the bottom of my bag before anyone noticed, deciding that I would continue to read it when we arrived, hoping that it might reveal why she had been acting so odd, only to be unexpectedly approached by Mike from behind.
''I think it'd be good if we had a talk when we got to the beach,'' he quietly suggested.
''Sure,'' I replied, now anxious both about the notebook, and what Mike wanted to say.
I smiled before edging away from him and climbing into the taxi that had now pulled into the driveway.

The summer I had planned had gone tits up. Our first and final summer together ruined by the past. I was a strong enough person to believe that the carnage that had unfolded wasn't all my doing, surely not, but I couldn't help but feel mostly responsible. I could never have predicted this. Then again, maybe it was all my fault, we would not have even been in Bali if it I didn't want to escape the guilt caused by the reoccurring encounters with my sugar daddy in London.

Not long after we had had laid out our beach towels, Mike sat himself next to me. The conversation wasn't looking hopeful, but with the group having split up, and the holiday having descended into misery, no matter what Mike had prepared to say to me, I needed to up my game for the remaining ten days and ensure the group got back together. We weren't ending it like this.
''Come on then, say your worst,'' I joked to Mike, ready to be slandered with anger.
''I'm sorry,'' he said, sounding sincere this time.
''For what?'' I asked surprised.
''Being a dick. I know we're not a couple or anything, so I didn't really have any right to kick off, but I hated the thought of you doing that. Especially with him.''
It was a genuine apology that I didn't expect.
''Thank you. I appreciate it, but you don't have to apologise.''
''For the fight I do. For you lying to me, I don't. But it is what it is. We're on holiday.''
I smiled. He was right. We was on holiday. Currently, a shit holiday.
Recognising his change in attitude and mood, I found some confidence to ask my next question.
''So what are we then?'' I asked.
''I guess we are just mates like you wanted. I should have listened to you before summer. I knew you didn't want anything more so should have left it then. But now, well, things are different now that I know what has been going on so I am pretty certain I'd be able to leave my emotions out of the equation and just keep doing what we're doing.''
''Well that's a relief,'' I replied, holding back my tears.
I had ruined all opportunity to build a meaningful relationship with someone. Mike did want more, I knew he did, I didn't know why I didn't act on it sooner. But now, now he was happy to stay as friends who had occasional sex because that's all I could ever be to him. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it is now something that I had to accept. Who'd want a girlfriend that was a prostitute? I couldn't have everything, I had already told myself this, so why did I suddenly think I could now?