Seventeen

Chapter 23

(Suhana's)

Yeah. I hold grudges for a long time. That's my personality.

Besides what he did was unforgivable. And it hurt more than what I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling that your body might have been violated by someone is not a nice feeling at all. It felt dirty.

And then, he just walked away... Not apologizing, not trying to hold on to me. Of course, I asked him to leave. But he left like he did not care at all.

For days, I was crying... I cried in front of others only that once day. After that, my pride would not allow me to cry in front of others. I cried when I was alone, or when Adithi was sound asleep. I immerse myself in my studies and forget things at day, but once I lay down to sleep, I just could not stop the tears.

What the hell is this that it hurt so much? I felt a bit pathetic and it felt embarrassing to be like this over a boy. It was like being so overly dramatic. People do undergo heartbreaks and stuff all the time. But then, it was not like I had too much experience with heartbreak. Maybe people will get used to things like this when they happen again and again. They will get numb or will think more realistically. But, the first time, it hurts badly... Unbearably bad.

I could still feel his touches, his hug, and his lips on mine. The memories of the evenings where I have to spend snuggled in his hug, on the deserted rooftop, is still vivid in my memory. I can even still feel the feeling of his fingers on my skin... Remember each word he said to me... The feel of his chin on my shoulder, as he has his hands around my tummy in a back hug... The feeling when he speaks in that way, the soft air that comes from his mouth touches my neck, tickling it slightly... And how I could be just me with him, more than anyone in the world. When I felt I belonged there, felt at –home in those arms...

When a guy and girl have gone that close, physically, and emotionally, it is not that easy to just forget in a day.

Even when I hate him to have done that, I could not, just could not think of him as a stranger and push him away. Because still inside my thoughts he was mine. I could not take him off from the position of 'my guy'. The only male human that is special, who can touch me... Yeah. If we can say it bluntly, Arjun was the only guy in the world with whom I can get physical with. If we put in animal and nature ways, Arjun was my 'mate' as all other guys were friends.

It was a few weeks after the breakup, that when I got out from home in the morning to go to the coaching classes, and I was walking through the corridor to the lift. I passed Arjun's front door, and from Arjun's apartment, I heard Ayaan's voice calling out, "Mom, Dad, Arjun bhaiiya is having fever. Too high temperature..."

I paused. Looked at the closed door. Worried...

I didn't want to feel worried. I still hated him. I still did not want to talk to him. I really really hated him... But at that second, I wish if I can go check on him, and see how bad his fever is... But I could not. Because we were not like that anymore. I bit onto my lips in anger. It was all because of him that we were at this point, that I can't even go see him. I was angry about that... He made it this way. I hated him to have brought things this far...

I went to class that day, but could not concentrate. I was worried for Arjun.

The next day, I heard from Adithi that Arjun had Dengue. I wanted to hit him, to kick him to make me this concerned about him. This was all his fault. Good that he got the fever. Good punishment, God... Then..will he be alright?

I could not sleep that night as I was worried. I did not want to be worried. But...I was. Idiot me. Why can't I think straight and think about what he did to me?