Dragon Age: Inquisition x Reader

Pain of Life (Part One?)

WARNING!!!! May be triggering to some that has delt with suicide. Read with caution.

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Life is never easy, I sometimes forget that. The memory of that day stayed strong in my mind. How my fingernails left dents into the soft wood of my staff that sat on my lap as the fire cracked in the fireplace. When Liliana and Zevran sat by me trying to keep my mood calm, how could I be calm? The love of my life was making a child with my friend so I could live.

"Sweetie." Liliana sighed, rubbing her hand against my shoulder as Zevran pried my staff out of my hands and set it on the couch.

"Come with me." Zevran said, grabbing my hands and pulling me up.

Zevran led me to his room, he instructed me to take my shirt off and lay on his bed. I did as he said and Liliana sat Infront of me, taking my hands in hers.

He began to rub oils and lotions on my bare back.

"Physical pain stops mental pain." Zevran hummed tracing my spine with his fingers.

When the needle pushed into my skin, it brought tears to my eyes. Zevran kept going as Liliana wiped my tears away.

The design he had drawn on my back responded to the scaring I had. A large Griffin holding onto a goblet and a rose spread across my back in elaborate details.

That was around twelve years ago, my friends didn't know where I was or who I was. My hair had darkened and grown longer. The blue in my eyes had changed into a violet color. I wasn't frail anymore or shaky.

My eyes focused on the warm honey of Cullens, his arms were wrapped around my waist as his lips had just been connected to mine. He had asked to lay with me and was waiting on my answer.

How could I? He would see my back and everything would be relieved. Everyone knew me as Grace Tryvelen, the Inquisitor, famed Herald of Andraste; not Gracelyn Amell, the hero of Ferelden, the Warden-Commander that disappeared.

"Grace?" He asked rubbing my check with his gloved hand.

"I can't." The words left my lips before I realized.

I missed him, I missed Alistair. Cullen's face fell but he nodded as I pulled away. My legs started to run, I ran past Solas, past Varric, down the many stone steps, and was out on the bridge. My heart ached, my lungs burned, everything felt wrong. The moon hung high in the sky as the stars sparkled. My feet were planted onto the metal door that connected to the bridge.

My mind was racing. I would only have to take three more steps and the pain would end. The empty feeling in my heart would leave.

'One step.' I walked closer

'Another step.' I took another, the edge coming closer. The more peaceful it looked.

'One more.' My feet hung slightly off the ledge as my breathing began to calm. I looked down at the terrien below, the snow looked so soft and comforting. Peace. If I were to step off, I would be free. From all the pressure, pain, and sickness; everything would finally be okay.

I could still feel his hands against my skin and his lips against mine. The way my heart would skip a beat when he said my name. How he would pick me up and spin me around in times of celebration or when he would hold me close after a loss.

I left the day of the Landsmeet, I couldn't do that to myself. To watch him get married and produce an heir with another woman as I hide in the shadows of his castle as his mistress. My heart wouldn't be able to take it. I watched as the crown was placed on his head, like now my legs worked before my mind. I turned and left. Never answering a letter or a demanded summons.

I remember sitting with everyone and celebrating as the Archdemon laid dead. Morrigan had asked me to leave with her, but I couldn't. I didn't want to hate an innocent baby just because I wanted to live. Oh how I regret that choice now. Without him, I didn't want to be here.

I'd been living the last ten years in a state of numbness, one where if someone threatened to kill me I wouldn't fight back. The will I had to live was gone, the one when the future was in the future and the present was more important.

When I met Cullen again the world seemed to brighten and I got happier. Knowing I would see him made everything worth it, until he kissed me. I felt nothing but emptiness. I thought what I felt with Alistair would repeat with Cullen, but It didn't.

Tears slid down my face as my hand laid against my heart. I felt myself begin to fall as a pair of arms wrapped around me, pulling me back.

My knees hit the metal as the person gripped my shoulders in hysteria.

"What are you doing?!" The voice screamed, I couldn't make out who it was. They gripped my shoulders harder, shaking me.

"I want the pain to go away." I answered, my eyes focused on my hands that sat on my lap.

The person didn't speak again until, "Sparrow."

My eyes snapped up to the person, his hair had grown longer and the smile that was on his lips looked to be that he hadn't smiled in years.

"It can't be." I whispered.