DEJA VU jegulus ✔️

3

dear james potter,

today marks a month since we last talked, touched, smiled at each other. i see you a lot in the hallways, being all romantic with evans. why can you do that with her?

oh hey, i heard you got your driver's license last week, congratulations! i remember us talking about that, you were really excited to drive to my house in the middle of the night and rescue me from that horrible place. you're gone now, and i really miss having you around.

i contemplated walking past your tower today because i heard you were outside of it, but i don't even want to look at you, because if i do, i know i'll break down. i bet you're with that redheaded perfection, lily evans. i always had my doubts about her, even when your promised me it was nothing. she's so much older than me, she's everything i'm insecure about.

but my mental health has been...slowly improving. i've been getting motivation to get out of the dorm and go to classes, so that's good. i still miss you though. merlin, the power such an idiotic person holds over me.

but how could i ever love someone else?

hey, i know we weren't the perfect couple, but i've never felt like this for someone. it's so hard to imagine how you're so okay with all of this, me being gone. i guess you didn't mean what you told sirius about me.

because you said forever, now i'm walking alone to classes.

i walked to class today, picturing i was walking to our spot.

our spot. the abandoned hallway on floor 3, where you would kiss me. the place where you promised that what we had was forever. the place where remus caught us that one time and you obliviated him.

i guess i know why now. 

you were so fucking scared that someone would see you for the real you. you were scared someone would figure out you like guys too. maybe you wouldn't have been so embarrassed if it was another guy. maybe if it wasn't your best mate's brother, i don't know.

i still see your face in the mirror of the bathroom where you kissed me that one time. man am i thankful that we never went all the way with each other. would've been embarrassing to say i lost my virginity to a closeted gryffindor.

i never told you this, but i think i might not like sexual shit. i dunno, i just get uncomfortable thinking about shit like that. is there a term for that? i'll ask sirius, maybe he knows.

but anyways, i'm glad to see you're doing well, asshole.

signed,

R.A.B.