Indecisive (Loki Laufeyson x Bucky Barnes x Reader)

CHAPTER 28

From now on if you see any chapter they're automatically from the POV of Y/N and if they aren't it will be shown. I hope you enjoy and Merry late Christmas everyone!!

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Bucky left shortly after our encounter with Tony, leaving me to myself in Stark Tower. My mind was left reeling, unsure of where the events of a few minutes ago left us.

I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I didn't feel like I was well enough myself to be good enough and to put in the effort to be a good girlfriend. I was so afraid of what might happen next it was almost paralyzing. I didn't know what H.Y.D.R.A would do to me or to the people around me. I didn't know how to heal myself or to open myself up to anyone.

I never had to learn those things when I had my mother. She was my best friend. We had done everything together since my father had never been there. It had strengthened our bond knowing that we were all each other had. She was always the person I told my secrets and my problems to, and I had just started to be able to express how I was feeling to Loki. Then they died.

Books were now the only thing I could use to escape. I had always read books but now I depended on them to keep me sane and to distract me from myself.

It feels as though the people around me turned gray and disappeared right before my eyes. Everywhere I walked, death followed close behind. It clearly wasn't going to be long until someone I love next dies as well.

Shivers ran down my spine as I stood in the kitchen. I had been lost in my thoughts and I don't know how long I had been staring at one spot on the ground. When I finally realized I had been glad there was no one around me to question what I was doing with my life.

Everyday I felt like crying.

I felt like breaking down on the floor and crying, but I felt like I had no reason to. I felt like people would think that I had already cried all my tears for my mom and that I should be finished mourning. That there were people going through worse than me. I mean look at me, I'm hanging out with the Avengers for gods sake.

I was living many young children's dreams right now. So many people paid to see the Avengers or to even be in their presence much less live with them. And yet I still felt empty. I still felt like staying in my bed every morning and not getting up. It was such an effort to take care of myself especially when I couldn't take care of those around me. I just wanted to sleep through the days. Nights became my favourite time now. No one was awake and I could be alone. It was so quiet.

My social battery had gone to a zero. Conversations were starting to drain me more then they used to. I was constantly wanting to leave large groups of people, becoming overwhelmed by the amount of strength it took to keep my back straight, stand tall, look like everything was fine. To pretend that the only reason I was still getting up every morning was to avenge those who I loved and the ones before them.

I'm not the hero in some made up story in my head that I like to believe I am. Thinking I'm invincible, that nothing hurts me. But it does. It hurts more than people know. When you remember and discover things that you wish you could share with that person but they're already gone. And then you start to think that no one could have it as bad as you. But they do.

I am so stuck in this world in my mind that has brought bars down around my sense of reality, that I can barely think about the tasks ahead because if I do; then I have to face that reality. Then I have to see that there is no support mattress that I can fall back on because no one is going to always be there to catch me.

I walked over from the kitchen to my room. The floors cold against my feet. The warmth from Bucky sucked out of the room when he left, leaving a chill that I couldn't seem to shake. I opened the door and padded over to the closet, pulling a sweatshirt off the rack.