Lillian 'Anna' Potter || Order of the Phoenix

Chapter Nineteen: Forgiveness

“Are you okay?”

Punch. Punch.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Punch. Punch.

Tonks shrugged, raising her arms up in defense. “I’m just saying - no one punches a bag like that unless something’s up.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “Then how the bloody hell am I supposed to punch this-”

Her statement was cut off as her final blow blew the bag off it’s chain, landing with a great thump across the room as sand began to drain out from the gaps in the stitching.

Tonks simply eyed Anna again, watching as the girl breathed rapidly, rubbing at her knuckles, some red beginning to show from underneath the bandages.

“It’s nothing.” Anna insisted again, but her words sounded false even to her own ears. She sighed. “Just…someone brought up Ced-Cedric.”

“Ah. The boyfriend-ghost.” Tonks leaned back against the wall. “You’ve never brought him up before - not before I do.”

“Are you finally going to tell her?” Not-Cedric reappeared right on time.

Well, speak of the devil and he comes, she supposed.

Anna scowled, heaving the spare bag up and onto the chain as she began punching once again. “There’s not much of our story to tell. He cheated on me, he died. No one can do anything about it now.”

PUNCH. PUNCH.

“It’s not nothing if it’s causing you this much heartache, Anna.” Her voice softened. “Please. Talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Anna turned on her. “That I’m angry, because he betrayed me? That I’m guilty, because he’s dead and I’m not? That I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without seeing a girl that’s not good enough.”

She panted. “I hate him. I hate him so…so damn much. But I’m not allowed to be angry. I’m not allowed to feel anything because he’s dead - he’s dead and I have to feel bad for him because I have no other choice.”

Anna let out a choked laugh. “People…they come up to me in the halls. They tell me they’re sorry. They treat me like a widow. And I can't do anything but smile sadly and play the part. Because if I’m angry then I’m the bad one - after all, I’m the reason he’s dead.”

To her horror, tears were falling from her eyes. Not sadness, but tears of rage. The kind of wet anger that made you lose your voice - the kind that made you feel weak when you needed to be strong.

All of a sudden, there was a warm hand on her shoulder.

“You did not kill Cedric Diggory.” Tonks forced her to look directly into her sapphire eyes, in turn, forcing Anna to feel the truth emanating from her tone. “What happened to him was a tragedy. He was murdered - by Voldemort. Not you.”

“You don’t understand,” Anna tried desperately. “Cedric has never once failed to block a spell. He was looking at me when he died. He saw me. I distracted him.”

She laughed again - though this time, her chuckle was filled with bitterness. “How is it possible to feel so broken over someone you despise?”

Tonks’ eyes were glassy. “Because you love him. Even after everything he’s done, he still meant something to you. And he hurt you. A lot. And it’s okay to feel things - but he’s making you miserable. The dead can’t hear you.”

“So what can I do?” She’d meant to snap back at her, but instead she sounded all too small.

Tonks gave her a watery smile. “This entire time, I’ve been teaching you how to heal yourself my way. To channel your anger, your hurt by learning how to fight - in your case, to get rid of the voice in your head.”

She shook her head. “But you’re different than me, Anna. You…you’re good. And I think your subconscious mind is done with being angry. You need to let your anger go. And I know you’ll never forget the hurt he caused you, or the things he did - and I'm not telling you to. But sometimes, it’s easier to forgive than it is to forget.”

Tears welled up in her eyes. “H-how? How am I supposed to forgive him?”

“You’ll find a way.” There was a certain twinkle in Tonks’ eye. “We live in a world full of magic - is there truly anything that isn’t possible?"