Random Thoughts

Why Am I Like This?

⚠️VIOLENCE!!⚠️

You know all those people teaching you self defense tips, if you ever find yourself in one of those spoopy situations?

Don't get me wrong, I love those tips, like the one where you use your elbow to break the attakers nose.

Those ways are really nice, and they really do teach you how to fight. They are really insightful, but...

Wouldn't it just be easier to plunge your fingers into their eye socket and rip out their eyeball?

Or grab the top and bottom half of their jaw and just... pull it apart?

Maybe shove your fingers around the pipe thingy (like, the part the vibrates when you talk) in their throat and.. pull?

(I just gently tried that one on myself, and if you pulled hard enough, you would do some pretty serious damage)

I don't know, just those things might cause more pain to the attacker.

This might seem weird but... I have no problem hurting people.

It's not that I find pleasure in doing it, but I don't hesitate, or feel bad about hurting people, unless they are truly nice, and have done nothing wrong.

I, sometimes, when it's dark and I'm outside,  sometimes I run scenarios through my head, what I would do if someone were to attack me.

I start to feel my adrenaline pumping, and I get ansy, and wanna punch things.

I am naturaly a very aggressive person.

My friends like to mess around, and I get put in headlocks a lot, which don't bother me unless I'm having a bad day.

But I know for a fact that I could drop them in a minute flat.

Maybe not one friend, but that's cause we are the same level of brutal. 

Friends are always saying how other people should be afraid of me when I'm mad, comparing me to dynamite, because I'm small, but can kill someone in one second.

Some of them are a little afraid of me.

Some times I'm unreasonably aggressive,  like getting angry,  I want to through a chair at a wall and flip over a table.  I wanna punch holes in walls (I'm unnaturally strong idek it's kinda scary).

With all the bad things in the world, people trying to kidnap you, and do bad things to you, maybe sometimes it's good to be this way, but others...

People will fear you.

Or hate you.

Or you might do things you regret.

I sure have. 

So, I have this guy friend who's in my theater class. He has a crush on me. I know. And he knows I know. Everyone talks about it freely.

I just dont like him back.

A while back, because he's crazy and hyper, he liked to pick me up, even if I was in the middle of a conversation. He liked to do that, idk. One time, we were in class, and he just. Kept. Doing it! I did not like it, even before today. I thought it was weird, and annoying, and if I was busy, it made me look unprofessional, or distracted me from a task.

So he kept doing it, and I was talking to someone, and he did it (he does it from behind to scare me) and it's scared me so bad I swore.  I said the f-word at him. I was extremely angry. I bit him to make him let go of me, and went back to our group to listen to the teacher.

But he did it again. While the teacher was talking.

So I..

Shoved him back very aggresivly, grunting angrily, and didn't look at his face for the rest if the day. I was mad.

After we went back to the classroom (we were on the stage when this happened) my two friends asked me I was okay. Apparently I looked as pissed as I was. I told them, and they got mad at this guy. Like, they shoved him if he even got close to me. They considered what he was doing was harassment, and I guess it was... in a minor way. Girls protect girls, amirite??

It was probably a good thing they did that,  because I would not have been able to look at his face and not punch it.

We good now though. He got the message that I didn't like it and stopped. He is still pretty handsy, but only does head pats, and likes to put my hood up, and tighten the strings to tighten the hoodie, so you can't see my face.

I dont like the last one to much, but whatever.

Being the way I am is weird.

But I like it.

I just hope my overactive anger and lack of impulse control doesn't make me assault someone someday.

Have a great day!!