Random Thoughts

Monologue

Here's the monologue I was talking about, do what you may with it. (Mine is 'Am I Too Kind?' And my friends is 'Trust'

⚠️DEPRESSION WARNING⚠️

Theatre Monologue

Am I Too Kind?

Me: Am I too kind? I mean, *laughs slightly* That is a weird thing to say.  But, sometimes, I do wonder if I should focus on myself once in a while. Refuse to help someone, or something. But that's crazy.. right?

My mom says I light myself on fire to keep others warm. It's a metaphor, of course, but you can kinda see where she is going. While I burn, people can take advantage of that pain and warmth I give them and benefit themselves. Not everyone does it, I’m sure. Some people are truly grateful for the help I can give them, but others, one to many times, 
have taken advantage of my kind heart

When I wanna help people, I tend to forget about myself. I don’t care how tired helping them makes me, I stop caring about myself even if they start hurting me. I don’t wanna hurt them, even if they are hurting me. I don’t wanna abandon them, so I stay, and I help them, and forget about my own needs. And maybe that's a good thing. Helping people is good, right?

Holding a grudge is something everyone does. Don’t deny it. Your little brother steals your favorite candy bar, so you don’t help him with his math homework when he asks you to. 

But I can’t...I can't hold a grudge(!), no matter how hard I try. Sometimes friends do things that aren't respectful, nor kind. Some friends more than others.. But I can be mad at them in the moment, angry and snarky, but don’t speak out. I don’t say anything. And if I do, it's only two sentences, and they either don’t acknowledge me, or they don’t hear me. And when I stay silent, I wanna be mad, I wanna stay that mad, but I can't, no matter if they hurt me, no matter if I really, really want to. They come up to me and smile, and I want to call them out for being rude. I want to call them out for hurting me, but I don’t want them to say, “You are being dramatic” . I don't want them to say, “It was a joke.” I don’t want them to say, “get over it,” I don’t want them to say, “you're fine..” I don’t want them to fake apologize. I don’t want them to stop being my friend. So I stay quiet. I embrace them, hoping that they will know they did me wrong and tell me. Tell me they realize they hurt me. But they don’t. They believe that they never hurt me, they choose to think I am fine.. and they almost never apologize. 

But maybe I am being dramatic! They just told a joke! Even if it hurts me, I’ll be kind to them. I won’t tell them it hurts me, I don’t want to make them feel sorry for me, they don’t need me as that burden. I can feel that pain all on my own. They dont need to feel that.

*shakes head, a little shaken*

If you could choose, uh, hypothetically, between being the only happy person on earth, everyone else sad, or everyone happy, but you aren’t happy, what would you choose? I would choose to be sad. I couldn’t live with myself if I forced everyone to live a life they didn’t cherise. I couldn’t live with myself if I made people not able to feel love. I couldn’t live with myself as couples couldn’t love each other and their children because of me. I couldn’t live with myself if people were taking their own lives because they couldn’t love themselves and feel that their life is worth it. I couldn’t live with myself if I forced the children to come into the world unable to feel love and joy and peace and hope. I couldn’t live with myself if I forced people to be unable to find their soulmate, their best-friend. I couldn’t live with myself if I forced 7 billion people to live that life everyday, so I would choose sadness. I would choose to live a life full of despair and pain and loneliness and regret. Everyone deserves to live a life they love. I don’t know what I deserve...

I want to believe that I will be successful in life, but I can see too many people taking advantage of the kind things I can’t help but do... But I want to be kind, even if it hurts me, even if I forget about myself, cause whos cares!? I’m helping people! Who cares if I don’t care for myself!? I don’t care about myself!! I can help those in need, and if people want to take advantage of that, that's their fault. 

But, Sometimes I wonder if being kind is bad. 

No, I don’t think being kind is bad. 

But then..

Why do I feel so bad? 

Trust

Friend:  “Can you trust me?” 

“why can't you trust me?’’ 

 “I'm there for you, why aren't you there for me?

is what I hear every day.( starts pacing around room.)  What did I do wrong for you to leave? What did I do? I was born with anger issues, like most people in my family and that's part of the reason to not let people in. they might get hurt.(stops pacing) When I was nine years old I had one of my outbursts and I put someone in a choke hold till they passed out. You see, I've always been aggressive, strong-minded and short tempered. When I was young I got into fights every week. The reason was because I wanted attention. I wanted one person's eyes on me. That person was my dad. Yet I never got in trouble. They didn't even tell my parents. I have struggled with coping with him gone. I've always wanted him more than anyone in the world. My parents separated when I was a baby. My mom had custody and my dad had visitation. After my mom remarried I saw him.. Once… every three months. He died when I was 10 years, 2months, and 20 days old. I remember everything. Yet when someone asks about it I act like I have no clue. I haven't trusted anyone since that day.  Except one… it was a mistake though. They left after elementary school. I see him every day and he acts like he doesn't even know me. We used to be best friends. I felt safe with him. He experienced the same thing I did. I was there for him, he was there for me. It was that simple. We did everything together. We would sit next to each other on the bus ride to school and back home. We were like siblings. If not more. Then, one day he left,(steps back) I don't care. I will never trust another person in my life. You might think that I care about you, that I trust you. You can trust me, I wont. Someone asked me If you could choose between being the only happy person on earth, everyone else sad, or everyone happy, but you aren’t, what would you choose? I would choose to be happy. I was taught to never put others above me and I never will. Why should I care about others when they don’t give a crap about me? I don’t know them. Why should I care about them, if they don’t care enough to know me?

Happy Medium

Me: *comes forward* But it's all about finding a happy medium

Friend: You can’t put yourself above others,

Me: Yet you can’t think of yourself as less, either. 

Friend: You need to find a balance between the two. 

Me: You need to find the people that care about you

Friend: And that you care about too

Me: There's a difference between caring for others, and caring for others more than yourself. 

Friend: Caring for yourself isn’t the same as caring for only yourself

Me: Think of yourself as worth something,

Friend: But not worth more than everyone else. 

Me: Sometimes it's hard to go back to normal after feeling like nothing. 

Friend: And sometimes it's hard to step down from the throne you’ve built yourself. 

Both: But you need to find that happy medium.

Me: It's the best way to live your life. 

Friend: Take it from us, (looks at me) we know.

End

(bows)

(Starts walking the way they came, then stops, turns around and runs the opposite direction)

(Btw, both monologues are true. No facts were made up in this.)

Have a good day!