Random Thoughts

AHHHH

⚠️DEPESSION AND MENTAL ILLNESS WARNING⚠️

I was having a conversation with a friend, and we were talking about stuff, I don't even remember what it was, but I brought something weird up.

I was at my school dance, whatever. I was having a fun time! My friend who was in yearbook was getting pictures of all of our friends and their dates, we were dancing, it was great. So me and two other friends got really hot, (we were all wearing Christmas sweaters,  I had a beanie, there was probably 100 people in that room, and there was no AC) so we went and got a drink and sat down. My other friend, who has had a lot of issues in her life, came and sat with us.

Her eyes were a little red, idk what was going on. Part of my wanted to help her, and ask what was wrong. The other half told me that she would drag me down. 

Part of me is when someone else is sad, or going through a rough time, I beat myself up because I can't help them more. I wanna punch everything, and I just feel like a pile of trash.

So I had to physically remind myself that I wanted to have a good time, and that I needed to focus on myself once in a while.

If you read my monologue that I posted a bit ago, you know I struggle with that.

And I hated myself for being that 'selfish'. And I'm so mad at myself for posting this because it just drew more attention to myself that other people need more.

Ugh.

Why am I like this?

I'm stupid.

Ugh.

Why do I have to be so forceful to tell myself that I need to focus on my own needs first?

Me and my friend that I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter joke about this weird thing that we both do.

We have many versions of ourselves.

I don't have DID, I promise. I just, have different parts of me.

Sometimes I'm super silly and bubbly.

Sometimes I'm normal and quiet.

Sometimes I'm depressed and angry at myself.

They're like little layers. Many, many layers, that pile up to make me. Sometimes I just show one or two at a time.

I don't know.

What makes me mad, and I don't know why, is when my friends ask if I'm okay. I don't know why. Especially this one friend. Usually I'm loud, and talkative. But sometimes I'm tired, or just focusing on something else. And that's fine. But then she asks me if I'm okay. And I say I'm good. And she ALWAYS says, "Sorry, you are just being so quiet."

There's nothing wrong with being quiet!!! I don’t have to talk all the time!!!!

*ANGER*

One time, I have this friend. Her fake name will be Betty. So, me and my monologue friend were talking about our monologue, and depressing stuff, and Betty joined in, talking and stuff.

It was all normal until she turned to my friend and said, "How many issues do you have?"

😳

WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK?

Betty is much nicer now, and I think she learned why that was wrong. I'm actually really close to her now.

But that's not what made me mad.

My monologue friend, who's fake name is Ron now (they are a girl, but that is their stage name so..) started LISTING OF MENTAL DISORDERS SHE HAD.

WWHHHHYYYYYY??!?!?

But that's not what made me mad!!!

What made me so angry, is that Ron listed of over THIRTY THINGS!!

UH, SORRY WHAT??

THERE IS NO WAY, YOU HAVE THAT MANY DISORDERS WITHOUT SEEING A THERAPIST OR TAKING MEDS!!!

AND SHE LISTED OFF THINGS THAT I DONT THINK SHE HAD, LIKE OCD, OR BIPOLOR DISORDER.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong, but she has never, in our entire friendship, shown any symptoms of either of those things.

She also claims to have adhd.

I wouldn't be mad about this one if it weren't for one thing. She could have adhd, I don't know. I'm not a therapist. But, she and Betty are always saying to me, "Yup, you have adhd, no doubt, don't even try and deny it!"

Okay, whatever, think what you want. But, if she was adhd, she should know what the symptoms look like, right?

But... my drama teacher, who has adhd, and my sister, who has adhd, both DO NOT THINK I HAVE IT.

And my drama teacher, by the way, was a therapist for more than 10 years.

Um.....

Yeah, do what you want with that information.

Idek anymore, this just turned into a whole rant about mental disorders and me hating myself.

If you have a mental disorder, I'm sorry if I accidentally offended you. I haven't done much research. You guys are amazing, and I respect you.

Have a great day guys. You are amazing and so so loved!!