breathe • trixya

smoke signals

song of chapter : when you sleep - my bloody valentine (trixies feelings)

katya and trixie have been calling each other often, even if it was for a short chat about their day. it's only been five days since they've last seen each other, but trixie could hardly wait to see her again. yes she's her therapist and trixie desperately needs to let out some feelings, but also because she enjoys the company of katya.

katya can also say the same, she has appointments almost every day with different clients, but each of them aren't as captivating and interesting as trixie. so she really is anticipating to see trixie in two days.

katya doesn't have to go to work this next day, so she decided she could stay up a little later than usual. for katya, late is 4:00 am and right now it's 3 am, so she wasn't expecting any call at this time. unless it was from sasha, but sasha has been somewhat busy with a new relationship that katya doesn't know much about.

(which kind of makes her upset, she wants to know what guy is dating her best friend..)

katya was in the middle of struggling to grab wine from one of her top cabinets when she heard loud rings come from her red telephone that sat on the wall. she quickly gets down the counter and runs to pick up the phone. trixie let out a breath and katya automatically knew it was her. "hello?" katya stutters out.

"wasn't sure if you were awake. i was wondering how you were, and i'm somewhat getting a bunch of anxiety over something..." trixie says quietly and katya fluttered her eyes, she responds with a big smile on her face. "i'm doing fine trix! remember that method. wanna tell me why you're so anxiety riddled?".

trixie laid on her white and pink bed with a pink phone on her bedside table. she had her fairy lights on to calm her down. that's usually what she did when she was nervous, she'd make a space that calmed her.

she immediately smiled when katya responded with more questions, because trixie is so glad to have someone to talk to. they slowly thought of how to sum up why she felt so frustrated right now, replying with a rather long response.

"i'm glad you're feeling fine kat, so basically... my university is having this performance event and i'm gonna be in it. i'll be playing piano in front of a bunch of people and it's really making me go crazy. what if people think i'm bad? or they think i don't deserve to be performing. what if they think i'm ugly? oh gosh... anyways i don't know what to do... i might back out."

katya intensively knits her eyebrows together as she conjures up an answer. how can i help? she thinks to herself.

"listen trixie. i've never heard you play but i'm more than sure you're great, why else would they want you to perform? i'm not just gonna say 'who cares what people think?!' because obviously you do, just think of it this way; what does anyone there mean to you? and you are most definitely not ugly, not even the slightest. don't back out. if it would make you feel better, i'll go to the performance to make sure you're fine." katya rambles on to the nervous girl. katya genuinely hoped she could help trixie with the insecurities they had.

trixie sat dumbfounded against the headboard of the bed, katya was willing to go to her performance just to make her feel better. "yeah.. i'd like that a lot katya." trixie finally responds. the two sit in comfortable silence, knowing the other is on the phone.

"i better-" trixie says, just about to hang up, and katya intervenes. "wait! trixie. uhm. i was wondering if you'd like to hang out after the next appointment? you mentioned how you like 'the cure', and i recently got one of their vinyls and i was wondering if you'd like to come to my house and listen with me? don't feel pressured to say yes." katya tightly closes her eyes, cursing at herself in her head. 'so fucking awkward for no reason oh my gosh she's obviously gonna say no!'

"yes! that sounds really nice actually. hopefully you're not trying to murder me." trixie jokes causing katya to let out a wheezy laugh, "i could never murder you!" katya jokes back. causing trixie to grin, she loves talking with katya. so she's ecstatic about the upcoming appointment.

"it's getting pretty late.." katya quietly states, "yeah it is. see you soon katya. thanks for the talk, you really help.".

"it's the least i can do, bonne nuit trixie."

the two take a second to actually hang up but trixie puts the phone down, ending the call. katya puts her phone back onto the wall and walks back to the cabinets to get her whine. she perpetually smiles for the rest of the night, thinking about her next appointment with trixie.

-

trixie quickly opens her eyes, waking up from a dream. she immediately thought of katya because that's who the dream was about. her and katya.

trixie has never been with a girl. throughout her life sapphics weren't talked about, and if they were, it was derogatory. they remember how in the dream her and katya held hands. their soft skin touching each other.

she had never thought of a girl that way, i mean she's sure it was all the dream. she didn't actually feel that way, did she? though she can recall one time in 1984, when she was 14, her and a girl had kissed because of a dare. trixie recalled how it felt so much better than kissing a man.

she closed her eyes in attempt to go to sleep but all her mind could see is katya.

her shoulder length blonde blown out hair, her plump lips painted with red lipstick, striking blue-grey eyes, beautiful smile, even her raspy voice rang through trixies ears. trixie now felt a certain feeling for katya that she couldn't comprehend. so instead she just thought, 'forget about it. you're not supposed to be that way.'