Personal Warfare

Intrusive Thoughts

Damian's POV

"Now remember class, the test will be over the-"

I blocked out the teacher, looking out the window again and watching colored leaves blow in the wind before settling onto the school yard.

It would have been a serene space to meditate had the bell not gone off, making me jump before going rigid. A cold sweat covered my body.

Disgrace. You're no son of mine.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment to calm down before I stood up and gathered my things. Doing my best to ignore her voice.

You shouldn't be this susceptible. Pathetic. You've been surprised too easily recently. You're losing focus. Your losing-

"Hey, babybird."

I looked up, stopping in my tracks as I looked around.

I was in front of the school now, my backpack on my shoulder and Dick waving at me from the car.

When did I walk out here?

"What the fu-" He shouted my name again, louder this time and I sent him a glare. "I'm coming, Grayson. There's no need for you to make your presence known to the entirety of this campus."

As I grumbled, I climbed into the front seat, setting my bag at my feet as Dick laughed. "Come on, Dami, lighten up. Aren't you glad to see your favorite brother?"

You're my favorite brother just like Jason is Father's favorite son.

I'll be glad when you go back to Bludhaven.

I'll lighten up when you learn to shut up.

I blinked and shook my head, shaking the thoughts away before pinching the bridge of my nose, slouching slightly in my seat.

Those weren't my words. They weren't my thoughts.

Dick is so important to me and even though I've said those things before with no guilt, I feel guilty now just thinking about them.

"Dami, kid, hey you okay?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and sat back up, tensing up slightly as I shook his hand off. "Yes. I'm fine and yes, of course I'm glad to see you. I'm also just ready to go home."

Dick nodded and started to drive. "I get that. Good thing is it's Friday. No school tomorrow. Wanna do something fun?"

He smiled widely and clapped my shoulder before moving his hand back down. "I don't think I'll be able to."

Of course you can't. You don't think he really wants to spend time with you do you? Someone as sad and feeble as you? What a stupid idea.

I grimaced.

Shut up!

The truth is, I did want to. I would spend all day following Dick around doing fun and most likely stupid things that he found fun, but I felt so mentally tired.

"Oh, no problem kiddo. Rain check on the day of fun. So, what did you learn in school today? Anything good?"

I just shrugged and propped an arm up against the window and placed my hand under my chin. "Nothing I didn't already know."

As I watched us pass by buildings and other cars, her voice got louder. I almost wished Dick would put on some of his awful music.

You couldn't tell him the first thing about any of your classes today. You couldn't tell him the names of your teachers or even the kids sitting right beside you. Pathetic Damian. Useless and dumb. Irrelevant. Naive. A disgrace.

My breath hitched and I shook my head, rubbing at my eyes as I swallowed down against the sudden hard lump in my throat.

"Still tired, kiddo?" Dick hadn't even looked over, but I knew how observant he was. I needed to be more careful. "You slept for a while yesterday. Are you sure you're okay? Anything I can do?"

When I glanced at him, I debated saying something sarcastic, Instead, I just turned, ignoring him as I continued to watch out the window.

I breathed in deeply and let it out slowly, letting my eyes close as I just rested back into my seat, focusing on everything and nothing as Dick continued to drive.

The sooner we got home, the sooner I could just forget about all of this and just be Robin. Fight and protect Gotham.

Only then it seemed that her voice left me alone. Only then was I good enough for her.

Or for myself.

__________________________________

Damian's POV
10 years old

I knew the price for failing. I knew that even though I was a child, my opponents wouldn't take it easy on me. Mother made sure of that.

I'd been taught to counter every move my opponent makes. To dodge every punch or kick. To react without needing to think, but to also be able to think three steps ahead.

There really wasn't anyone else like me.

If I didn't win, it's because I had been killed. Severe injury was not enough to slow me down. I couldn't let it.

I scaled a mountain at the age of four with a broken wrist. I was born and bred to be the best. To never waver or hesitate.

Today however, I failed my training.

I failed my mother.

I knew exactly why and even though I knew what would happen after, it still never prepared me for the energy that would course through me.

The Lazarus pit is the only reason I'm still alive. The times that I've been placed in it, are too great for me to remember, but each time had its toll on me.

Today wasn't any different.

Once my eyes opened, I struggled to move, pushing through the thick green water as my lungs begged for air.

I could make out silhouettes above me and knew one of them was my mother.

My body ached and burned as my heart pulsed, pushing and pulling blood to and from every part of me.

It was overwhelming. Pure agony as my body woke up and started to work again. I screamed out, but under the water my voice was easily muffled.

Hands held my shoulders, they were rough and strong, holding me under still till I was ready to surface.

I thought my lungs might give out, but that's how I felt every time. It shouldn't have been a scary thing at this point, but I was still a child. I still get scared.

Not that I'd ever let that information be known.

Finally, a smaller hand was on my face and I recognized my mother above me. She watched me for a moment longer before telling the others to let me go.

As soon as my head was above the water,I was coughing and choking up residue.

Leftover blood from before and water that seeped in, both from my screaming and from when I had been placed under.

I was left alone to calm myself for a moment before a blanket was placed over me.

I grabbed it, hugging it to me as I slowly stood, gaining my bearings and catching my breath.

"You failed today, Damian. Do you know why?" She moved in front of me, her voice was quiet, but like venom dripping on a wound.

I swallowed down, composing myself so that when I looked up at her, I didn't show any emotion. "Yes, mother."

She nodded, gripping my chin in her fingers. "Then you know it can and will be fixed." She eyed me, but otherwise didn't show any emotion either.

I nodded. "Yes, mother. I will do better next time." I didn't waver or flinch. Holding my ground till she let me go with a sigh and turned to leave.

"I expect so, Damian. Get cleaned up and dressed. Training starts again in one hour."